Javier <jbscheuber@gmail.com> Tue, Dec 12, 2017 at 6:48 PM
To: Alia Floren <aliadfloren@live.com>
Bcc: Javier Bautista <jbscheuber@gmail.com>, Maria Scheuber
<scheuberschleiss@gmail.com>, Alia Floren
<florenbautistatravelblog@gmail.com>
Why? Why do you get to go
around spreading lies? Why do you get to take MY blog. A blog I started. Fuck
you. You go around posting sad stories. poor fucking you
Lies? You talk about lies
Alia? You liar?!!
I read the message you sent
to my mother last March. And you said you have taken responsibility for your
mistakes and your part in our marriage's failure??? I see how you have taken
responsibility... All the blame is on me; not a single word of self-criticism.
"It is absolutely not true that I left your son for his blindness. I left him
for many reasons, his disability is not one of them". "I did not want
to go to Africa ". "When we were in Montana Africa ". "Your son does not take responsibility to
pay people for the work he has them do". "Your son put many charges
on my card, I asked him to help me pay. Just to pay his flight".
"Your son's need to go across Africa , was the
final thing that destroyed our marriage. Did you ever think about what he made
me do?". "He sacrificed my health and safety to save money. Instead
of paying a little money to get a safe place to sleep now and then, he
preferred to have us sleep in dangerous places in the car". "I lost
so much weight from stress and lack of sleep. I lost much of my hair. I was so
sleep deprived from him pushing me to drive all day every day that i was
urinating in my sleep. I would not wake up. I would pee myself".
"Your son was so intent on spending little money that he only gave us a
1500€ budget to buy a car. This caused me a lot of time and stress. I always
had to work on the car because it was so old". "Your son could cook.
Your son could help. He did not. He never helped. Not when we were in Montana Angola Angola
What an obnoxious bunch of
lies Alia. Now you ask why. I am fairly certain, this is one of your rhetorical
questions, which you really never want to be answered. But I never cared for
your streaks of adolescence, so I will be sure to answer. Fact of the matter,
Alia, is you abandoned OUR blog. You slaughtered our marriage with no previous
thought or whatsoever and you immediately got horrified at what you have done.
As you, unfortunately, did not want to see any way to pull back, you closed
your eyes and entered in total denial: You turned your back, abandoned and
betrayed everything that had anything to do with our marriage. I never took the
blog away from you. I never changed the password; you did. All this time, you
have had the chance to access and contribute to the blog. But you have had
absolutely no interest, because these days, in your denial, you wish to feel
better believing our marriage was a nightmare. Now you come and try to take
control of our blog and take it away from me. Still with no interest to
contribute or improve it in any way. but just to remove my recent posts. Why
Alia? Do my "sad stories" hurt you? Why Alia? Do you think they will
hurt less if you wipe them out from our blog? No Alia, they will hurt the same.
You are playing ostrich Alia; burying your head in the bush. denying the
painful reality; like the bunch of lies you told my mother, you keep telling
everywhere, everytime you have a chance and, much more importantly, you keep
telling to yourself.
It is not the most irritating
or mean of your lies, but probably it is the biggest and most important of
them. You say you realized you did not love me anymore, by the time we were in Angola Cape Town Cape Town
It shows it is not true our
marriage failed because of any of the bullshit you tell about the years we were
living in Montana Africa .
You do not want to admit it, but clearly something happened in motherfucking,
self-loving, asshole Gary
In fact, that Friday morning
you disappeared to think about our marriage and decide what to do about it
(whether to slaughter it or not), you first went to see fucking Gary
Maybe you still think
fucking, self-loving asshole was trying to help us; perhaps because he was so
impressed with you (certainly not because of me). I guess you do not want to
believe how he brags about his conquest of the 'American Senorita' and all the
shit he keeps saying about you; as my mother explained in her message. He never
had any interest to help us. You see? his interest disappeared altogether as
soon as you surrendered to his charm. He then immediately started thinking
about ripping us off. You will remember how he told you, you may have tightened
some bolts too much. what sort of bullshit was that?!! Where on Earth have you
seen a bolt should not be properly tightened? Very simply, the bolts you both
bought were too long. It took two black guys one hour to remove and replace
those bolts and get Robert to start. That fucking, self-loving asshole knew the
problem was those bolts, yet he gave me an open-ended quote of 10000+ Rand
($700+, where R2000 were for the flat bed (when David, at Roverland, quoted me
R800) + R2000 + R2000 to take off and put back the seatbox + R4000 minimum to
actually sort out the problem, whatever this turned out to be), because he said
he may have to remove the gearbox again. However, I figured out that was
totally unnecessary. From the 10-20 replies I got to my 4x4 Forum thread,
absolutely nobody could see why anything inside the gearbox could block the
engine (particularly considering you had never messed with the gears and,
hence, could not have left the gearbox in two gears simultaneously). As a
matter of fact, it was the fucking idiot himself who reminded me about those
"empty mounting holes" and how the problem was probably caused by the
new bolts you both had bought. Since nobody could see how anything in the
gearbox was keeping the engine stuck, all the replies in the thread were
pointing to the starter engine, the batteries, etc. The fucking idiot is so
stupid that, (like the fox and crow fable), led by his self-loving-ego, stupid
arrogance, he had to prove everybody wrong (it was not the starter engine or
the batteries), proclaim he was the only one right and reveal the problem was
the new bolts (consequently exposing his plan to rip me off pretending he may
need to remove the gearbox), I remember
you saying I should have taken responsibility and just freaking pay the money
needed to repair the car. I guess people lecture some really stupid crap when
they speak about something they have no clue about. I really cannot understand
how you got so fascinated with such fucking, stupid, self-loving asshole. Alia,
he was just stupid, South African, white shit, and you kept calling him after
you left Cape town
Alia, what I need to be
absolutely clear about is that, by any means, I am not going to help you live
in denial. Alia, you can be absolutely certain I will never ever help you live
in denial. Rather the opposite, if you insist attacking what we were, I will be
there, every day of your life, confronting you against the truth, reminding you
what you did to our marriage, what you did to Monkey and Bunny, what you did to
our lives.
If you want to kill Monkey
and Bunny, it will have to be from a clean, healthy and truthful perspective,
not from childish stupidity and anger. You may think you are very intelligent;
your family will certainly tell you so. However, unfortunately, fucking,
self-loving, asshole Gary Gary Bamako Gary
Last week I heard on Spanish
news about a group of 20-50 women in Sevilla, accusing some very prestigious
psychiatrist, Javier Criado, of sexual abuse. The guy alleges it was all
consented; as a matter of fact, the women were all patients of his and they all
continued going to his office for years. It is so much so, that most cases are
now expired, because the women did not say anything for years; they just felt
dirty and guilty. However, one may very well ask, what sort of therapy was that
psychiatrist applying that included sexual abuse? It seems clear the guy was
somehow manipulating all those women. He is a prestigious prychiatrist and,
therefore, knew what he was doing and is good at it. On the other hand, those
women were seeking psychiatric help, so were rather vulnerable; certainly not
in a good position to resist.
For all of last year, I
wondered what had been fucking, self-loving, asshole Gary Gary
I had thought you will wake
up sooner or later, but I realized I was wrong. When I read the message you
wrote to my mother, it became clear to me you were so deep in denial you would
not wake up on your own for many years. It became clear to me I had to wake you
up; needless to say, otherwise nobody else was going to do it. Alia, I need to
get you out of fucking, self-loving, asshole Gary
However, I do not even think
I do you any favor, if I leave you there, sleeping in your cloud of lies. I do
not want to leave you like this: stunned, stoned, in a perpetual state of
stupidity..., while I see Monkey and Bunny are lying motionless, agonizing,
dying... All what I can do is to help you wake up, help you get out of the mist
as gently as possible. All what I can do is to help you understand you did not
choose to fall under a spell. This was not you.
Yes, I say you have been
horrible, but I do not think you are a horrible person; Alia, you are not a
horrible person; I know that for a fact, because I shared six years of my life
with you. You were fooled and you lost it. You then found yourself alone in a
place from where you were never taught how to get out.
Alia, you are my wifie, and I
will never want to hurt you. I believe in you. I hope you will understand I
just need to wake you up, and I do not know how much it is going to take. This
message may be harsh at times: I say things you will hate to read and may hurt
you, but that is the only way I have to get you out of there and it is
impossible for me to predict at what point it will be that you will start
regaining contact with reality; at what point you will start getting out of the
mist. I would hate to be harsh to Dr. Jeckyll, but as long as you are under
Mrs. Hyde's control, it will be foolish and useless to be kind. If I may say,
if you find at some point you stop getting angry with what I say and start
making any sense of it; it may be a good time to talk and tell me how you feel.
Alia, you are my wifie, I do not want to hurt you; I just want to help you. By
all means, do not allow yourself to think, I believe you are horrible; do not
allow yourself to think you are horrible.
I need you to get out of your
denial. I understand you think I am wrong and it is stupid what I am saying.
But, the way I see it, you are in such denial and messed up, you do not even
have a clear idea why, all of a sudden, you slaughtered our marriage. with no
previous reflection or whatsoever. Last year, after you returned from Cape Town Africa .
But since that does not seem quite convincing, because everybody could see you
so excited about our Africa trip during the year and a half we were preparing
for it, you also need to add, actually, the final reason was that I was
obsessed with the idea of going all across Africa. However, the only
explanation you gave me, after coming back from your deliberation in Table
View, the very day you decided to leave me, was: "I am going to leave you
because I am sick of dragging you around the supermarkets". Given what
fucking, self-loving, idiot Gary later wrote, and kept going on, about my
blindness, I wonder if it was him who put that idea in your mind.
That crucial day my
disability explained it all. Now you say it is absolutely false my disability
played any part: there were many reasons why you left me, but my disability was
none of them. If that is the case, then why is it that was the only reason you
gave me the very day you took the decision? Something is very wrong with what
you are saying, Alia. You do not see you are in denial?
Alia, do you remember the
days you used to beg me I never take my love off of you? I never did. Yet, you
did... Didn't you? Since you were a little child you have always wished you had
somebody who would always love you. You found that person, but then you blew it
up. Unfortunately, You were put to a hard test you were not prepared for: I
guess success, like money or fame, is very difficult to manage and the way you
were raised (where nobody was ever allowed to judge, even less put any limits
to, your ambitions, whatever those were) certainly did not help. After six
months driving across Africa , where everybody was telling you how amazing you
were, you were ready to conclude you were freaking awesome; all what was needed
was just a little push. We were then really unfortunate to come across some
fucking self-loving idiot, who said he wanted to help us, but, in reality, was
only interested in feeding his asshole endless self-loving ego with the
compelling challenge of conquering the blond, blue-eyed, (in their own words)
"American Senorita" chick, who seemed to be so in love with her blind
husband. We were, both (but particularly me), so naive to trust him. You were
immature enough to surrender. You were immature enough you would slaughter our
marriage before ever admitting making a mistake; nothing that would invite any
doubt about your intelligence. Now, as it hurts, you want to cover it all up
with lies: our marriage was a nightmare, I was an asshole and all the blame is
on me. As you said the other day, you now want to see our relationship was so
horrible, you had to go to the other side of the world from where I was. Alia,
I was not in any way that bad and, in any case, I did not deserve what you did.
What you did was for reasons very different from what you say. Alia, we need to
clear this up and heal it.
But you were actually
intelligent enough to know, indeed there were times where you made mistakes.
There were times where you made mistakes and hurt our marriage, just for a
fancy. There were times where you hurt our marriage, just because you "wanted
to have your opportunity to fix the car".
Yes, Alia, those times you
were a "stupid head" (as you used to call it) you realized (almost
immediately) you had done something wrong and would feel terribly bad for it.
It would be very clear you were feeling an immense pain and remorse inside,
because, for example, you started talking in Spanish for a while. It was not
something I needed or did much for me, But I thought it was enough you felt bad
for what you had done, and it had been wrong if I had dug deeper in your pain
suggesting you offer an apology. Alia, I never ever asked, suggested, not even
hinted, you provide any apology. I never ever expected you offer any
explanation, even less an apology.
That is why I find it really
unfair you said last year "I, every time we fought 'had' to grovel and
kick myself for days afterwards". Alia, it is simply not true you 'had' to
grovel and kick yourself. As I said before, I very much believe you felt
horrible, but you did not 'have to'. I mean, I never told you you should feel
ashamed for what you had done. I never got up the next morning and started
pointing fingers at you and told you you had been an asshole the day before. As
I said before, I was able to see you were feeling horrible and concluded it was
wrong to dig even deeper in your pain; we had to carry on. Alia, I never, ever
asked or even suggested you offer an apology. You asked me last year from Missoula
It is false what you said to
my mother that I have always treated you like everything was your fault. I have
always understood and acknowledged you felt terribly bad after we had a fight,
but that was not my fault! Alia, do not blame me if you felt you had been a
"stupid head", as you used to say. Last year, after you came back
from Cape Town Gary Monaco
Indeed, the way I see it, you
were sincere when you said last year you played a huge part in starting and
exacerbating our fights. In fact, I understand and acknowledge it has always
been very painful, almost unbearable, for you to feel that responsibility. That
is why, eventually, you started trying to convince yourself I actually played a
major part in our marriage's failure and have always only treated you like
everything was your fault. That is when (in order to relieve the very big pain
you felt for "your huge part in our fights") you started lying to
yourself, now putting all the blame on me. Now, as you said the other day, our
relationship was so horrible, you had to go to the other side of the world than
where I was. Alia, it is not only that I do not and have never celebrated you
felt terribly bad for your part in our fights, I sincerely wish you had never
felt that bad. I sincerely believe, perhaps, if you had not felt such horrible remorese,
our marriage had been able to survive Cape Town
It was not the first time you
lost it; but, unfortunately, it became the first time you would not want to
rectify; rather you followed through. In Cape Town, unfortunately, we had come
across motherfucking, self-loving, asshole Gary, who had been working hard to
open a fracture between us and destroy us: it was such an engrossing challenge
to feed his fucking, endless, narcisist ego with: to conquer the young,
blue-eyed, blond "American-Senorita" chick, so in love with her
pathetic, useless, blind husband. Why on Earth were they so solid? I was a fool
not to see the trap and trust him. I actually could see it coming; I noticed
you kept frantically exchanging SMS's with him all the time. I saw you both
hanging out and chatting long times. I just thought you were smarter than to
fall into something as ridiculous as that. I thought I would be a jerk to get
jealous. But you were immature enough to collapse and surrender. This time, in Cape Town Gary
All of a sudden, our marriage
did not seem such a treasure anymore. It certainly did not seem the treasure
which used to justify that you go through all that pain and felt such remorse.
This time you would look at me and see me like a "pathetic, useless"
blind guy and certainly were not ready to go through any pain for having hurt
our marriage. As you said, this time you were not ready to grovel and kick
yourself.
Clearly, it was a ruinous
business: you were giving up your marriage and in exchange were getting
nothing. I remember one day at the workshop, you came to me saying Gary Cape Town Cape Town
You knew it. You knew fucking
Gary Gary
I remember the days prior to
that Friday you surrender, how you came a few times, insisting you wanted to go
by yourself to do some errand. You kept explaining I did not need to get
stressed getting ready. You could just go by yourself to the machine shop or
the post office. Each of those times, I was not very favorable to your
suggestion, as I also appreciated the opportunity to get out of that horrible
workshop. I then became a little confused when you started getting so
irritated, because I declined your idea. At some point, I started getting
worried why you insisted again and again you wanted to go by yourself, and why
you were getting so pissed, each time I said 'No'. I started womdering if the
real reason you wanted to leave me in the workshop, was so that you could go do
something else; perhaps, go see fucking Gary.
Leaving speculations aside,
what is undeniable is that you were fascinated with fucking, self-loving,
asshole Gary
As a matter of fact, anybody
who knows you well soon will 'learn' you only get encouraged when confronted
with a denial. Your mother referred to it calling you a 'poophead', because you
will bug her and not stop until she does not complain about it anymore. Your
mother got trained to understand the only way, acceptable for her, she could
have any hope her child would stop doing something, was to avoid telling you to
stop; as long as she kept telling you not to do something, you will be sure to
continue doing it. It worked with your parents and you became to expect it
should work with everybody. The way you were raised, you became to expect,
everybody should learn, if they did not want you to do something, the last
thing they should do, is to tell you not to do it.
I made that mistake: I dared
to break or, at least, challenge that rule. I allowed myself to somehow become
an obstacle between you and fucking, self-loving, asshole Gary Gary
It seems to me it was like
you had just knocked off the most precious Ming dynasty vase and got
immediately horrified to see it on the floor, broken down in thousand pieces.
Your good demon and Dr. Jeckyll started screaming at you: "what have you
done Alia?!!!". But your bad demon and Mr. Hyde were there to support you
and argue, it was all OK, after all, your marriage was a nightmare anyway and
you better go to the other side of the world of where I was. You immediately
entered in a very big internal conflict. I never quite understood why you did
not stop crying, that Friday evening you told me "you were going to leave
me, because you were sick of dragging me around the supermarkets", As I
said before, it was like some evil force was pushing you to slaughter our
marriage; you could not help it. It was like you were hoping I would say or do
something to stop it. But I just did not know what I could say or do to argue
against your complaint. You had just told me you were sick of dragging me
around the supermarkets and subsequently asked me if I had something to say
about it. However, now it seems clear there was no reasoning behind your
complaint, since you now state it is "absolutely false that was any of the
many reasons you left me". So, there was no point in arguing. But, as I
did not have anything to say, you started crying. I remember you kept
insisting, basically demanding, I say something, but I just did not know there
was anything I could say to stop you. On that evening you slaughtered our
marriage and I am terribly sorry I was not able to find any way to stop you,
you cried and continued crying without end. I never understood, if our marriage
had been such a nightmare and your decision to terminate it had been so well
thought, why, Alia, did you cry so much to see it die?
Clearly, our marriage had not
been a nightmare (rather the opposite) and your decision to slaughter it had
not been thought at all. However, that Friday you betrayed me, you stabbed our
marriage to death; at least so you felt... That precious Ming dynasty vase that
our marriage used to be, was now broken down in thousand little pieces all over
the floor. Unfortunately, you concluded there was no way back. Unfortunately,
you concluded there was no point in trying to glue all that back together: it
was never going to be the same. It seems like, for some stupid reason, you
concluded I would never be able to love you again. At that point, it seems it
was easier to start thinking that vase had been a piece of crap anyway, thus,
there was no reason to feel any pain or remorse for it. It is really
heartbreaking you never made the slightest attempt to save or, at least, bring
some healing to our marriage; it had been so easy Alia!! As I said before, this
time you were not ready to go through all the pain and endure the remorse for
hurting our marriage. You were still under the fascination for fucking,
self-loving, asshole Gary
But it certainly continued
hurting you to see our marriage die, particularly as you witnessed fucking,
self-loving, asshole Gary Gary Missoula Gary
I wonder, perhaps that evil
force consisted in fucking, self-loving Gary remaining uninterested in you; we
all know how obsessed you get when something is denied to you. But you just
forgot, when it comes to fucking, self-loving asshole Gary
I recall during the first
year of our marriage, you came to me a few times to tell me about a nightmare
you had had the night before. Some evil monsters had attacked and captured us.
You had to fight them and kill them, until we were finally able to escape. You
had that sort of nightmate quite a few times, and it looked like some evil
force was determined to destroy us. Unfortunately, one day, the nightmare
became true in Cape
Town Cape Town
It shows you have been lying
to yourself all this time to convince yourself our marriage was not worth crap
anyway. But since deep inside you know it is not true, it keeps hurting you.
Alia, you are in a very big, internal conflict. You have been lying to yourself
to justify yourself, to relieve yourself from the pain. That internal conflict,
those lies you have been fabricating and telling to yourself to relieve the
pain inside, have set you in total denial and mixed you up, as Lea would
diplomatically say, or, seriously messed
you up, as I prefer to say. Alia, if it was not easy for you either, why did
you do it? If it hurt, why have not you ever wanted to talk things over? Alia,
we could have solved it very easily together. It is so sad you never wanted to
reach out for help, you never wanted to bridge the fracture that fucking,
asshole Gary
Now you lie; one lie after
another. So quickly it becomes impossible to argue; it is impossible to address
them one by one. Alia, It is just a waste of time to go through all your
accumulating pile of bullshit. People give up on you. You foolishly celebrate
you have won the argument, because you had the last word, but you do not
realize they just gave up on you; you lost them, Alia.
I remember how you would
often bitch about Jesse; how you would say he kept ignoring your friend
requests on Facebook, because he thought he was too cool. I recall one night
talking with Jesse and Trask in the house. You had told me they both also had
bad sight, so, at some point, I mentioned that to them. Their reply really
caught my attention. I think it was Jesse who said: "I don't know why she
likes to say that". Clearly, he did not appreciate you insisting again and
again on that. However, he was really not interested in wasting more energies
even trying to argue it. He had given up on you.
For so long, your pride felt
so hurt, because he had been the first and only man, who had ever dared to say
'No' to Alia Day Floren. Unfortunately, Jesse is not alone in that hall of
shame anymore. At least, Jesse was a tall, handsome, young man, with a clean
and healthy mind. Whereas fucking, self-loving, asshole Gary
Thinking of you, I can very
easily understand those women in Sevilla. Very often, the main difficulty to
overcome a problem is to admit the problem in the first place. I would hate to
admit I have played the fool and I can understand you would not want to admit
you fell for some white shit loser like that. I remember when I asked you in
Table View if you were in love with fucking, self-loving asshole Gary
Alia, I am here for you. I
swore I will be there for you and here I am. I will not give up on you, I will
fight for you, because I believe in you. I believe the worse in you comes from
the way you were raised, but your nature is beautiful. You were fooled and
could not find the way out; but I am going to help you. I may be right or I may
be wrong, but I strongly believe you are in denial. I know for a fact the
reasons you are giving are absolutely false: you are lying to yourself. Alia, I
need you to wake up, and, if, for that purpose, I need to go, one by one,
through all your lies and confront you with the truth, I will certainly do it.
Our marriage is certainly worth it. I am sorry it may hurt you to see your lies
confronted with the truth, but I hope you will understand, we need you to wake
up. If you wake up, we should be able to bring some healing to our
relationship.
"I really did not want
to go to Africa "
I guess it is easy to say now
you really never wanted to go to Africa . How would we know what was going through your mind?
It is, however, also quite 'mean' (to avoid a harsher word). You lie, Alia, and
you know it.
In the summer of 2013, we
were driving one afternoon from Daniel's cabin back to Missoula Africa , you felt like you were somehow cursed and you
feared, as you would age, you would become more and more a bitch like Ginger.
This time, however, there was
no conflict: you got immediately excited with my suggestion and kept asking I
clarify more in detail what I had in mind. So I said we could go to some
undeveloped place and gave the example of Africa .
You said perhaps we could backpack, but I noted, at this point, we could make
it easier on us and travel by car. You asked again for more details. So I
explained we could buy a 4x4 in Spain Africa .
As you had noticed I was being very cautious providing details of what I had in
mind, you told me you had also thought of something like that and I did not
need to be so cautious explaining my idea, since a plan of that sort also
sounded really great to you. Contrary to what you say now, we were in such an
agreement, you liked the idea so much, that we had not yet reached the highway
to Missoula Africa
shortly after you finish at the BLM; there was no need for any further
deliberation. You were so excited with the plan that, when we arrived back
home, you had not quite stopped the car yet, and you had already jumped out and
were running towards Robyn to tell her the great news. Do you remember Robyn
almost got a heartattack? We joked about that many times ever since. You were
actually disappointed your mother did not seem to share your excitement. As a
matter of fact, Robyn herself was disappointed too: she had just gone through
quite a lot of stress and pain saving the house for you, and now you were
telling her we were leaving. I tried to calm her down explaining it would not
happen that quickly. But it was disappointing for her to see you go, after she
had made all that effort to save the house. You had broken her heart just a
couple of months earlier, when you started weeping, as she told you Scott
wanted to put the house for sale.
I guess we should also ask
any of our friends to see if they ever heard of your lack of interest to go to Africa .
Certainly Lea, Bry, Lindsay, Andrejka or Trask did not get that impression.
C'mon Alia, my mother met you
in Madrid Africa
and saw how excited you were. What is the point of telling her now, you really
did not want to go to Africa ? Do you really have any hope she would buy any of
that bullshit? I am sure you do not. Those lies are actually aimed at you.
Those lies are aimed at muzzling the pain you feel for slaughtering our
marriage.
I even remember how annoyed
you got with that woman at that party in Luanda Angola Africa on our sixth year of marriage and not have any
children. You insisted there was something more in a woman's life than having
children.
In the end, I wonder, if you
never really wanted to go to Africa , why did you thank me for taking you to Africa
when we were in Congo
"He sacrificed my health
and safety to save money. Instead of paying a little money to get a safe place
to sleep now and then, he preferred to have us sleep in dangerous places in the
car"
It is not only a lie that you
did not want to go to Africa, but it is also a lie that it was me who kept
pushing to go all across Africa, while you just wanted something else (whatever
that may have been). In fact, it was you who set the goal to go all the way to South Africa Africa .
I had very little knowledge, but certainly was not aware South Africa Kenya Tanzania Uganda Eastern Africa seemed of more interest to me. As a matter of fact,
if my green card limited the length of our trip to one year, I was not sure if
going all the way to South Africa Eastern
Africa .
It then stroke me when we
were in Morocco, on our way to Western Sahara, we started being stopped by the
Moroccan officers (just in case we were activists and wanted to cause trouble
in the Western Sahara), and you kept saying we were going to South Africa. When
I finally asked you about your insistence on South Africa South Africa South
Africa
Contrary to what you say,
your excitement with our Africa journey never faded. Souleymane (Bamako Kumasi Abidjan Onitsha Cameroon South Africa Africa ,
you should not go to South Africa South Africa Africa ,
rather, it is more like the UK
Alia, our journey across Africa
was our most wonderful adventure. You were enjoying it so much, that you
thought we should write a book about it. You already had a title for it:
"Congratulations!!, you made it!". That is what you kept saying, as
we were crossing Namibia South Africa
Alia, it is so sad what
happened to us: we were so excited and euphoric to arrive to South Africa Cape
Town Namibia Fish Canyon Cape Town Cape Town
Werner, Charles (the flaming
gay in Stellenbosch), Simon, Will (in Table View), etc. could also say how
happy you were, how happy we were. It was so clear that even if we just stopped
at a shop for a few minutes, everybody will notice: Maru and Zaki at LR Service
Centre, Andrew at the Southfield
But it is not only what other
people perceived, it is also what you explicitly said. In fact, if we were not
quite positive about our enthusiasm to continue our journey, my green card
provided the perfect excuse to, at least, take a little break. Moreover,
although I never mentioned them, there were other reasons (my eyes and my
pension's renewal) which also made me feel keen about a short trip back home.
However, you never even tried to bring up any concern. Rather the opposite, in
Chibia (Angola U.S. Gary
You explain now it was my
obsession to go all across Africa that finished destroying our marriage, that I kept
pushing, while you just wanted to settle down. However, just two weeks before
you slaughtered our marriage, you said exactly the opposite to the Backberg's.
You will remember how Jill told us how disappointing it was for her that her
husaband, Michael, decided not to go to Pakistan Mexico Pakistan Pakistan Pakistan
Quite frankly Alia, this
thing that you are now making up, whereby you were not enjoying our journey,
and it was only me who was obsessed crossing Africa
and using you as my chauffeur and servant, is such bullshit. The truth Alia is
that you were enjoying the trip more than I, because my sight was really shitty
all along. For example, we went to Mole National Park Ghana Eastern Senegal . In Kissama and Etosha I was able to see some animals
and had a really good time; but you will not argue it was much more intense for
you. Alia, do you remember the blast you had in Kissama and Etosha? That
'Little Louie' picture of you at the end of our tour in Kissama, enjoying the
lunch pack that our guides provided, is one of your most beautiful pictures
ever. What can I say about Etosha? We set the alarm clock as early as 6am . Yet, you were so happy that you woke up singing:
"Wake-up-baby, Go-see-rhinos".
You keep saying this really
stupid thing that you got so jealous everytime you saw me napping in the car.
Alia, I never took any nap; I would just fall asleep. I would try hard to stay
awake, but I could not. I would fall asleep again and again, because I was
sleep-deprived. I was sleep-deprived because you always insisted we sleep in
the car. You never minded to sleep in the car, because you are such an awesome
sleeper - as you have always bragged about -, and would sleep well anywhere,
anytime. However, I had to strain myself really hard throughout my studies and,
as a result, are not such a good sleeper. I did not sleep that well in the car
and, as it shows, was sleep-deprived all across Africa .
You were really jealous of
me? Well, you do not know how jealous I was of you, when you got to drive to
the dunes in M'Hamid, or how jealous I was of you in Mole, in Kissama, in
Etosha, etc., etc.
Nevertheless, if all this
still does not convince you, you have it really easy. If you are really so
jealous of me, you just need to poke both of your eyes out and get ready for
all the fun that will follow. Before you go ahead, however, you may want to
consider the caveat that one day your partner, whoever that will be, may become
sick of dragging you around the supermarkets, and get rid of you you. Althoug,
from my experience, I should say that is not very likely to happen, as long as
you do not come across some asshole who messes up your partner and he enters in
total denial.
If you say you were jealous
of me, you clearly have no appreciation for what you had. Yet, everybody was
feeling jealous of you. Do you remember the 'lone rhinoceros'? You had such a
blast finding those rhinos in Etosha, you wrote Adrian Belew to tell him about
it. He wrote you back. Even Adrian Belew was jealous of you. You were so
fortunate to be able to live an adventure like that, at such a young age. You
wondered, somebody who had been as successful as Adrian Belew; what was he
waiting for to do the same? Little did you know back then Etosha was the first,
but also the last, African wildlife blast you enjoyed. Your immaturity led you
to give it all up for fucking, self-loving, stupid-idiot Gary. You gave up
Kruger, you gave up Victoria
Falls , you gave up
Serengeti, you gave up hippos, lions, leopards... just to be with fucking,
self-loving asshole Gary
You know deep inside
(although not really that deep), the argument that you did not want to go to Africa
is very weak. So you say the final thing was my obsession to go all across Africa ,
to the extend that I sacrificed your health and safety, as I would always
insist we should sleep in the car, so that we can save a few bucks. What the
fuck Alia??!! Do you remember at what time we left Madrid 10pm . You were totally freaking out and did not want to
wait a minute longer. I had thought we could have had a nice dinner and good
night sleep, as you like to say, and have started our trip fresh the next
morning. In such a case, we had been able to pick up freaking Vivotif and
Dukoral at the Ramos Carrion pharmacy (that had ordered them for me), and that
way we had saved ourselves and my mother all the stress and the ordeal of
looking for them all across Andalucía. Instead, you thought we should not
postpone our departure a minute longer. That night we slept in the car, in some
abandoned gas station in the middle of nowhere in Ciudad Real
The list of examples goes on.
The following five days across La
Mancha and Andalucia were
wonderful, but quite stressful. We visited the wind mills of our hero Don
Quijote de la Mancha in Quintanar de la Orden. We did bird watching in Las
Tablas de Daimiel. We hiked through Cazorla. We visited beautiful Ronda, one of
Spain Benin
On July 12 we finally crossed
the Strait of Gibraltar Africa . Do you remember Alia how excited we were? We had a
blast on our first day in Africa visiting Tangier. Normally we would not accept to
have anybody guide us, but we were so excited, this time, by your request, we
followed Larby everywhere. We walked all over the medina. You enjoyed getting
into shops and have the guy show and explain everything about his goods:
spices, clothes, rugs, etc. As you started to feel hungry, we looked for a
restaurant. For a couple of tourists, we did not have to work hard to get
several offers. You asked me if we could choose a good restaurant and indulge
ourselves with a nice lunch. You argued we had recently gone through quite some
stressful days and we deserved to reward ourselves with a good meal. The menu
you were suggesting was about 13€, i.e. not really the cheapest, but It all
made sense to me and I agreed with no further discussion. It makes me wonder,
as I write this, you keep going on with how stingy I am that I never wanted to
spend any money, even if that would compromise your health or safety; but, can
you think and provide any single example where you asked to go to a hotel or a
restaurant and I said 'No'? As a matter of fact, I can think of many examples where
I was willing to spend money to do something and you were strongly against it:
Gamba (where you refused to pay 30€-25€, so that we could go see hippos),
Ivindo (where you did not want to pay 25€ for a (shitty) tour around the
forest) or that cute town South of Dakar, we toured, after all, on our way to
the Gambia river. Alia, you have explained without any kind of restrain,
"how I am with money". Please, do not get me started talking how you
are with money...
After lunch, we continued
touring the medina for a few more hours. Shortly before sunset we called it
good. I thought it would be a good idea to contact that American who had
offered us to stay with him at his place in Tangier. We would get the nice
dinner and safe, good night rest we deserved and needed after all the craziness
of the previous days. You were, however, not interested in having a safe and
relaxed place where we could spend the night. Rather, you wanted to have us get
going and sleep in the car somewhere on the way to Tetuan. Fortunately, you
were still OK trying to contact Ben Ballard and we ended up enjoying the evening
with him and his roommates. You were so excited you did not miss the chance to
post on Facebook all the stories and pictures of our Africa
trip's first days.
In Fez Fez
In Dogon Country (Mali
Further examples showing how
you usually prefered to find some place on the road where we could sleep in the
car are Nouakchott Luanda Nouakchott Luanda 5pm
when we had finally found an oil filter and were ready to leave, but, as it was
near sunset, I suggested we call again Adriano and his brother to ask if we
could stay with them one more night. You finally accepted, but your first
choice was to take off and find some place on the road where we could sleep in
the car.
So, it shows all across our
trip through Africa, you prefered again and again to find some spot on the road
where we could sleep in the car, whereas it was me who argued instead we should
take the chance to enjoy a relaxed evening and get some good sleep at a safe
place. Yet, here you go feeling no shame to tell my mother I sacrificed your
health and safety in order to save some bucks. I cannot believe you could ever
have any hope my mother buy any of your lies. Do you see Alia why I say you are
in denial? Why are you in denial Alia?
I can only recall one time
where we considered to get a hotel room, but finally passed on it. I am sure
you will remember that night we entered Senegal Mauritania St. Louis
I also recall another time
where I thought about getting a place for the night. However, in that case, I
did not tell you anything. It was in Zagora. Do you remember the Corte Ingles
guy? That guy who kept coming to the workshop where we had the car being
served. He wanted us to go visit his shop, where he had a little of everything,
like a little Corte Ingles. As a matter of fact, he also had a campground with
"swimming pool" (whatever he meant with that). Considering how hot it
was in Zagora during those days, I kept thinking months later we should have
indulged ourselves with a refreshing bath in that pool. As a matter of fact, I
believe it was in Cape Town, when I told you I thought we should have stayed
one night at that campground and cooled off in that pool. Surprisingly, you
found it difficult to remember who was the 'Corte Ingles' guy and what was all
that I was talking about. After I clarified it, you said you never had any
interest staying in that campground and you did not mind at all to camp in the
desert.
You see Alia?, it is a lie
you are fabricating that I never wanted to spend any money that would allow us
enjoy our journey. It is a lie I only wanted to save money and did not care
about our safety and kept stressing you out. The truth is actually the
opposite. I was always ready to spend money if that would take off stress and
allow us enjoy our journey. Alia, unfortunately, you have a tendency to be
stressed. I will refrain from analyzing why. When we were still in Madrid
Mine were not empty words; I
really meant them. As a matter of fact, when we arrived to Ivory Coast a few
days before our Entente visas' expiration date, I suggested it would not make
any sense dash through Ivory Coast, back to Burkina Faso and then Togo and
Benin, just to save the money to get some new visas. I thought we definitely
needed to ensure we enjoy our journey and, if that meant we had to spend some
more money in visas, by all means we should do it.
"I lost so much weight
from stress and lack of sleep. I lost much of my hair. I was so sleep deprived
from him pushing me to drive all day every day that i was urinating in my
sleep. I would not wake up. I would pee myself"
Alia, you are so desperate to
find excuses to justify you slaughtered our marriage, that you confess to my
mother that you peed yourself in bed, just so that you can also blame it on me.
Oh my God, Alia! Have you been able to convince yourself of the lie that I was
so obsessed with the idea of crossing Africa, that I stressed you out and kept
you sleep-deprived to the extend that you peed yourself in bed, and you do not
feel any embarassment to tell my mother? It is really disappointing, Alia. Do
you remember at all where is that you peed yourself? I do. I actually remember
very well. It was in Gabon Congo Congo Congo Abidjan Onitsha Onitsha Northwestern Cameroon . That first morning in Cameroon Cameroon Gabon
Unfortunately, Gabon Gabon Libreville Libreville
I remember so very well. That
night you woke up, you woke me up, crying out loud: "What's wrong with
me?!!". I think I can still hear it. It sounded so sad. It was so deep. I
felt so sad for you. I felt so sorry for you. I still feel sorry now, when I
think of it. You sounded so ashamed. It was wrong!: there was absolutely no
reason for you to feel ashamed. I felt I needed to stop that right then, right
there. I tried to be as sweet as possible to explain it was not your fault:
there was absolutely nothing wrong with you. It was not just that I was trying
to find something to say to comfort you. I meant what I said and I was certain
I was right: there was nothing wrong with you. You peed yourself in your sleep,
because you were exhausted. We were under a lot of stress, because we were
trying to get to Congo
Alia, during the year we
travelled all over Europe , there was something of what you say now about our Africa
journey. But that was five years earlier, not in Africa .
I do not know if your point is that the long hours driving through Europe
is what really killed our marriage.
"Your son was so intent
on spending little money that he only gave us a 1500€ budget to buy a car. This
caused me a lot of time and stress. I always had to work on the car because it
was so old"
One of the most obnoxious of
your lies is that I imposed a 1500€ budget to buy a car. And you argue you are
not in denial? I wonder how you came up with that number: just the car was more
expensive and in the list of prospective cars you prepared (which is still in a
file), there were plenty over 2000€. In fact, the range was from 1000€ to
3000€, and the upper bound was only because there were simply no Land Rovers
over 3000€. Because that was the only criterion: we had decided we would look
for Land Rovers on that first day we went out for visas and we suffered that
fiasco at the Argelian embassy. We concluded, always based on your explanation,
it was not worth to spend several thousand euros more for some other model,
which may have been newer, but not necessarily more reliable. It is quite
unreal that you now complained Robert was so old! Across Africa
you kept getting mad everytime some "idiot" would point out our car
was very old (Remember Soma, our first host in Bamako Africa
somebody who would know how to fix an electronic failure.
It is such a lie that I
imposed a 1500€ to buy a car, that we actually spent much, much more than
1500€. As a matter of fact, we paid thousands of euros. We just need to think
how much we bought in Cape
Town
Alia, I never had any problem
spending money, if that would make our trip more enjoyable. For example, you
wanted us to buy a rooftop tent and I agreed to it. Contrary to what you say
now, even when it was a big expense, I agreed to it, because I understood it
was going to make our trip more enjoyable, as it would reduce all the hassle
and stress of making the bed every night.
Alia, I cannot tell you how
disappointed Robert is that you say now he is so old and working on him caused
you so much stress. Alia, you loved that car and you loved working on it. As a
matter of fact, when you broke up, you wanted so badly to keep it. When you
were leaving Cape
Town Missoula
You complain now our old car
was such a pain and caused you so much stress, but you loved so much working on
it that, when you left and arrived back in the U.S.
You loved so much working on
Robert, that you did not miss any chance you could find to try to fix
something. In Madrid Africa .
Another example I can think
of is Lome Lome
But the best example of your
denial is Iona . You remember Iona ,
Alia? Iona was the only substantial episode you could come up
with to justify why you slaughtered our marriage. Iona
is the most remote place we ever went. We even set up an emergency plan to have
Alvaro Batista get us out of there if something would go wrong. We had alerted
our families with the trackers, and our families would contact Alvaro Batista
and Esteban, to go rescue us. But you loved so much working on Robert, you were
never going to miss a chance to try out something to make it better. Iona
was certainly not the place to start experimenting with the car, yet, you loved
so much working on Robert that you could not miss a chance. We had just entered
the park and you found some leak when we stopped for some pictures. Little
later we stopped for lunch and, in your own words, you "started messing
around with the clutch". While you were experimenting with the clutch, the
bees found the water in our car, and we then lost the entire afternoon trying
to get rid of them.
The bees were slowly
gathering in the back of the car and you were starting to freak out, not
knowing what to do, just witnessing the problem was getting worse by the
minute. I realized I had to take control, because we needed to do something and
you did not seem to be able to suggest any idea. I said we had to open the back
door and drive away; hoping we would blow those freaking bees off that way. You
did not liked the idea very much, since, obviously, you were going to be our
driver. However, you agreed there was not much else we could do. I went to the
back of the car and tried to remove as much stuff as possible, so that it would
not fall and get damaged or lost, as you drive away. Then you got ready for
your part in the plan. Do you know Alia what is what you said?: "That is
when your mom got onto the car, full of bees, and drove away". These days
you say our marriage was agonizing in Angola (mainly because you had been
feeling sad, lonely and depressed 1-2 years earlier, when we were living in
Montana, and you did not quite want to travel across Africa), but the truth is,
back then, you were so enlivened with the thought of our future children that
they were on your mind at all times.
When we finally got rid of
the bees, we got into a fight. You remember the fight in Iona Alia? That is the
fight you said deadly wounded our marriage. You remember Alia what was the
fight in Iona about? You "wanted to have your opportunity to
fix the car". I wanted to try to get to the park's headquarters, hopping
we could get some help there, but you "wanted to have your opportunity to
fix the car". You wanted so badly to have your opportunity to fix the car,
that, to achieve such purpose, to achieve a fancy, you had no concern to start
a fight that deadly wounded our marriage. And you now give me this bullshit
that my stingy car budget imposition caused you to lose so much hair and
weight, as well as going through a lot of stress, because you had to work so
much on our old car?
"I spent 2014 in limbo,
because your son told me I should not take the job I was offered at the BLM,
because we were going to Africa "
In March 2014, I was starting
to get projects: I had talked to Andrew and he had promised to pay me, if I
implemented some feature he was very interested on, as he had a client ready to
pay it. That same month, I got my first AI project. At that point I saw we
would be able to cash in a significant amount of money for our trip, if we
stayed a few more months in Montana
In any case, Alia, I am sorry
it took me so long to get ready to leave Montana
"Your son could cook.
Your son could help. He did not. He never helped. Not when we were in Montana
Alia, I wish you would think
a bit some of the things you say. I wish you could realize how irritating they
can be. I wish you would understand how little they will belp you and what sort
of hurtful response you are likely to receive. I need to admit It is quite
impressive to what extend fucking, self-loving, asshole Gary Africa ,
so many people told you so many times how awesome you were. We then arrived to Cape Town Gary Africa
there was no tail-wind: Alia, you did an amazing job. You were a true
´máquina'. During our trip across Africa , I need to
say, there were many, many times I was myself totally impressed with you,
totally impressed with your level of energy, stamina and talent. After having
been driving for hours, you finally found some place to camp for the night.
Robert had not yet silenced his monster engine and you had already jumped out
and were opening the back door to get things ready for dinner. I did tried to
help, but before I could peel a couple of potatoes, you had already finished
cooking. Obviously, you would eat much faster than me, so you would start making
the bed, while I finished my dinner. I would then start doing dishes, but often
you finished with the bed before I was done. So, you would still help me with
the last dishes. Some other times I was done before you and tried to help you
with the bed. However, there were certain tasks, like for example setting up
the mosquito net, that you preferred to take care of yourself, probably because
you thought you were better at them.
That you did an amazing job
during our journey, is completely out of the question. It is, however, rather
mean (to put it mildly) that you say and use this to attack me now. Because,
you know well, I always offered help
with anything I could do. I have always been happy to help: I offered help
making dinner, I offered help doing dishes, I offered help setting up the bed,
etc. But, very often, you would tell me and insist not to worry. Very often,
when I offered help making dinner, you declined saying: "don't worry
sweetie, it doesn't take me anything". I would persevere, but you would
insist you did not mind at all. So, sometimes, you would tell me to start
getting the bed ready. Alia, I have never been the kind of lazy asshole, always
sitting on my ass, you now describe. it is a very mean lie you now say and use
this to attack me, particularly, when you used to tell me "don't worry
honey, I don't mind at all", whenever I offered help.
I guess an essential part in
fucking, self-loving, asshole Gary
It is, however, quite
something you also believe so about the years we lived in Montana
You know?, in my stupidity, I
was starting to wonder if I was now experiencing the kind of situation you have
always bitched about you lived with Trask; where you were studying and working
a bit outside of home, but also were doing most, if not all, the work at home
(cooking, cleaning, etc.). Trask, on the other hand, was not studying, was
barely generating any income (it was mainly what he got from his court
settlement) and was not doing much around the house. During the months prior to
our departure, I was getting stupid enough I started bothering to ponder
perhaps you were barely doing anything for us, whereas I was doing so much. As
a matter of fact, I was working very hard on my projects, but also had to take
care of our health insurance, food stamps, visas, food bank, etc. On the other
hand, you seemed to struggle finding something to stay busy with. Those last
months you were barely sewing anymore. You cooked, did dishes, cleaned..., but
still had a lot of free time available to watch more TV series you could find.
The same way you say you were jealous to see me falling asleep in the Land
Rover while you were driving; I guess it also made me feel jealous to see you
spend endless hours watching TV or training Jackie, while I was really stressed
and overworked. In all honesty, what I found more difficult to deal with is
that, even when I was doing most, if not all, the paid work and was really
stressed with it, sometimes you would still complain I was falling short of
doing my half of the house chores, and asked me to help a bit more making some
salad, taking the trash out or complaining I had forgotten to make the bed. In
March 2014, when I got my first AI project, you told me to focus on that, not
to worry with house chores; because you would take care of them. That was
smart, because it would allow us to make the money we were going to need, in
the least time possible. However, eventually, you would get frustrated I would
fall short of my share in the house chores. I never had any free time, you had
more than you were able to enjoy; to the point that you started to feel bored.
You had more free time than you could enjoy and complain I did not spend enough
time with you, but you still thought you needed to keep me even more busy
assigning house chores to me. I do not know how you fit all that logic
together.
Nevertheless, I am still
happy I never said anything about who was doing more work for us; because it
had been stupid. As much as I thought I was working harder than you, time
showed it was something subject to change anytime. The fact of the matter was
not I was more hard-working than you or viceversa. During those months, the
circumstances were such that there was more work more suitable for my
conditions, but we only needed to wait a few months until the table turned
around and there was more work more suitable for your conditions. In the end,
all this stupid argument about who of us is more pretty awesome, is something
we can thank fucking, self-loving, asshole Gary
"Your son put many
charges on my card, I asked him to help me pay. Just to pay his flight".
Alia, it really irritates the
shit out of me you keep bitching over money. Alia, the day before you broke up
with me, you transferred $2000 to your account. That was enough to pay for 100%
of the credit card. You complain I later charged a couple of runs to the
grocery store on that card; like it is unacceptable you have to pay for my groceries.
However, you do not seem to see a problem that I pay 100% of our credit card
bill and, therefore, have to take responsibility for your groceries and other
personal charges.
The whole problem with that
bill is that you spent $1200-$1300 of the $2000 you had transferred for it, to
pay your student loans and your return flight. The only charges I added to that
bill was my return ticket ($250-$300), one night at a hostel ($12) and a couple
of runs to the supermarket. But the charges I added were less than the cash you
took with you: $250-$300 we withdrew from my account in the DRC and way over
$50 in South African Rand. As a matter of fact it was your idea and suggestion
to give me your credit card. When I asked you if you were sure, you explained you
were taking enough cash and I could make use of the credit card to book my
plane. Having said that, I told you I was ready to pay for my return flight,
but then you blew it all up when you got mad, because I did not think of paying
off the bill when I transferred the postage to send the monocular.
"When I told him I was
feeling lonely or sad, your son coldly answered I should get some friends. He
said I was just trying to get attention"
In any case, I am sorry Alia,
but, if there had ever been any tiny, little bit of truth in any part of what
you say about all what I did or did not do that slowly led our marriage to its
death, you should have brought it up at that time; at the right time. If you
did not, then it is all bullshit. I mean, all those reasons why you left me,
that I abandoned you emotionally, you could only think of them two years later?
You talked and talked how
hard you tried to save our marriage (you even dedicated 2016 New Year's
Resolution to that purpose!): ever heard about marital therapy? If you never
suggested anything, either you did not care about our marriage or the problems
were not that big.
I see you may say you did
bring it up back then. I see you tell my mother you mentioned to me you were
"sad and lonely" and you were "depressed". You are a liar
Alia! You absolutely never ever told me you were sad, lonely or depressed. You
did say many times to me: "I hate myself", "I will never be good
enough for you", "leave me!, leave me!" and "I do not have
any friends". But that is not the same Alia!
I will start with the easy
part. I never, ever replied: "get some friends!". Alia, last year,
right after you left me, you kept complaining I used to reply: "nobody has
true friends, because true friends do not exist, since people usually only make
friends to achieve some self-interest", whenever you regretted you had no
friends. You considered my reply was very cold. I could not believe it and
still can't! I gave the sweetest answer ever possible! I was taking all the
blame off of you and putting it on the rest of the world! I could have used the
opportunity to point some finger at you and say something like: "well, if
you do not have friends, maybe it is because there is something wrong about
you?" Had you preferred such an answer? You say I always treated you like
everything was your fault. You see it is not true, not even when you gave me an
opportunity for it. I always took the blame off of you, because I sincerely
felt that way.
Now you complained,
supposedly, I used to reply you should get some friends. How would I have ever
suggested you get some friends, when my point had always been friends do not
exist? It is either one or the other, Alia, but it cannot be both. You attack
me for saying one thing and the opposite. You are a liar Alia. And you say you
are not in denial?
You never told me you were
depressed, sad or lonely. Rather, you used to say: "I hate myself"
and you will remember how much I hated you saying that. Now you know why I
hated it: I could see one day you would quote me on that and use it against me.
And here you have it... Now you say I have always treated you like everything
was your fault. Yet it was you who put the blame on yourself by saying all
those "I hate myself", "I will never be good enough for
you", "leave me!, leave me!", etc. while I always rejected such
statements. I need to admit, however, I have never been quite sure to what
extent you really meant those words. My father, who was also spoiled to the
bones by his mother and his grandmother, has always also liked to say those
sort of things; not only as a child, but also these days as an old man. I
remember I told you about it. he would like to say what kind of a bad person he
was or, at least, how he acted wrongfully with somebody. He would would like to
say he had been a bad father, a bad husband, a bad sibling... In my family, we
have always thought he was hoping we would respond by trying to comfort him,
saying he was not that bad, but there was quite some good in him. I wondered if
that was also your motivation. However, that was not to say you were just
trying to get attention; rather, that had been manipulation. More importantly,
you never ever told me you were sad, lonely or depressed; rather, more to my
dislike, you kept saying "I hate myself", "I will never be good
enough for you", "leave me!, leave me!"
in fact, time showed there
were good reasons to suspect you really never meant those: "I hate
myself!", "I will never be good enough for you" and "leave
me!, leave me!". Alia, nobody hates herself/himself, and you are certainly
not an exception to that. As a matter of fact, I remember how in Cape Town
In fact I find it really
weird that you still complained how you felt you will never be good enough for
me, even after you had left me in Cape Town Gary
Alia, you will never know how
much you have hurt me: you betrayed me and broke my heart. But that has not
been enough: you have not taken any responsibility for anything, even less
offered an apology. Rather, you have not stopped pointing fingers at me and
blaming it all on me. You keep talking shit about me everywhere, to everybody,
everytime you have a chance. You are not embarrassed to say all this shit about
me to my own mother. As that is not enough, when she foolishly writes you last
August, hoping you will help in some way, you have no regard to use and betray
her in order to make fun of me. Alia, you do not want to know what my mother
thinks of you.
Alia, I am in constant
contact with my mother. I speak with her on a regular basis, so I am perfectly
aware of what she thinks and feels: you do not need to inform me of how worried
she is. You are being an asshole to use my mother to make fun of me.
You may say it is not true
you were rejoicing on my problems, but sincerely wanted to help. However, fact
of the matter is last year, among all the crap you said, the one that hurt me
the most was that you felt like you had become my personal assistant: like you
needed to feed me, help me in the toilet and drag me around the supermarkets.
Then, you added, the difficulties I experienced in Cape Town Cape Town
Do not expect me now to buy
that the only reason why you informed me last August my mother was worried
because of the problems I was having in Cape Town
As much as you may enjoy my
mother saying I am lost without you, you should know, what my mother wrote does
not reflect at all what she really thinks. It is actually more like the
opposite. It turns out my mother freaked out with something I told her about my
eyes. As a mother, she thought what she could do and all what she could come up
with was to write you. The way she sees it (see her message below), you are, at
least partly, responsible for the problems I have been experiencing.
Considering that responsibility, she thought, in my opinion very foolishly, you
may give a hand. Obviously, if she had any hope you would help in any way, she
could not say anything that could piss you off: she could not say anything
similar to what she really thinks. My mother, like any other person (apart from
your family) who knew or met us, is in complete disbelief of the kind of
asshole liar you have become. Clearly, Mrs Hyde is in control. My mother does
not realize that these days you are not the same person she used to know;
definitely, the wrong person to ask for help. Alia, my mother was indeed
feeling horrible from what I had told her about my eyes. She did not need you,
she did not appreciate you using her to rejoice at my problems. I was not happy
at all to learn what she had written to you. The last thing she needed was to
have a conflict with me, because of you.
Hola Javier,
Lo que quería es hacerla ver, que te ABANDONO y que ella tiene alguna
responsabilidad de cómo tú te encuentres, ya que sigue siendo tu mujer.
De todos modos tu la puedes convencer de que tienes una madre que se
preocupa demasiado.
Siento que Alía te mande una respuesta tan fría.
Javier, cuídate,
M.S.S.
miércoles, 9 de agosto de 2017 0:12 +0200 de Javier
<jbscheuber@gmail.com>:
Pues si que me haces un poco polvo Mueti. No veas lo alegre que esta Alia
ahora, pensando lo superestupenda que es, sabiendo, segun tu lo pones, lo 'mal
que lo estoy pasando' yo ahora sin ella. Si alguna vez tuvo alguna duda de
haberse equivocado al dejarme, por ser demasiado superestupenda para mi, ahora
lo tiene claro que acerto.
Javier
Alia, I am sorry if I am too
harsh on you. Quite frankly, I am afraid I may be too harsh on you. However, it
certainly annoyed the shit out of me receiving your stupid note, letting me
know you were aware I was going through some struggles. For the reasons I
explained above, I could not help to think you were rejoicing at my struggles.
I understand, however, it is also possible I may be wrong. In fact, I am
totally convinced and I keep saying you are in denial. Foremost, you deny the
slightest feeling of care or affection towards me. These days that Mrs. Hyde is
in control, you follow like the most sacred oath, never ever show any regard
for me. You wiped me out of Facebook. You avoid any mention of my name. You
wiped out my birthday from your calendar. Under the strict and stern watch of
that oath, it is clearly hopeless to think you could afford a drop of sweetness
in your message. Perhaps, all what you were allowed to do is to send an
ice-cold message like that. Perhaps you were not rejoicing at my struggles.
Perhaps you felt a sincere concern, but your state of denial rendered you
totally incapable to express it and all what you were able to do was to send a
stupid, ice-cold message. If that is the case, I am sorry I was harsh before.
It really sucks Mrs. Hyde is in control and you keep playing asshole. Nothing would
I hate more than to be harsh to Dr. Jeckyll, but it would be foolish to be kind
to Mrs. Hyde. Unfortunately, all evidence shows Mrs. Hyde is still in control.
Last May I had an article
published about us, where I did not say anything bad about you, rather I
provided a really sweet image of you. Yet, you needed to bother and write
Nielen (the journalist), talking all the shit you could come up with about me.
Was it fucking self-loving asshole Gary December 29th
2016 . But do not worry too
much, I will be certain to clarify that and everything else directly with him
in due time. Last Christmas you barked at me to say you found it really sad I
had become Facebook friends with Sabrina. I found it really 'fucked-up' that
you gave me a whole bunch of crap with that, when I only needed to look up to
see you with Cecilio on your Facebook profile picture. But that is really
nothing. The worst is fucking, self-loving asshole Gary: I really feel like
throwing up when I see you are still friends with that fucking, self-loving,
asshole on Facebook.
All this last year, If you
have ever contacted me, it has only been to bark at me, insult me (like in the
message to my mother) or even curse at me, like this last time: "poor
fucking you". You have been treating me like it had been me who had
betrayed you. After all what you have done, all what you have to say is I
should find something to apologize about. You are adding insult to injury.
Alia, you can scream and kick as much as you want, you can continue lying to
yourself the rest of your life, but you will never manipulate or change the
reality. And you can be sure I am very well aware of it. I have never been
perfect, but I never let you down. You did. Moreover, all since Cape Town
At least you were honest in
Cape Town, that Saturday evening (the day after you told me you were going to
leave me, because you were sick of dragging me around the supermarkets), at
fucking self-loving asshole Gary's workshop, when you informed me you were
going to stay with him from then on: "I know I am being an asshole, but we
both know this has something to do with your eyes".
Why? Why Alia? Why did you do
it? Why did you allow fucking, self-loving South-African-white-shit-mechanic
destroy us? You told me last year from Missoula
Alia, do you remember the
days you used to beg me I never take my love off of you? I never have. I never
will. Alia, I still believe in you. As much as you have been an asshole all
this last year and a half, I know it is not really you. All this time since Cape Town
Alia, you need help and I am
going to help you. I am going to fight for you, because I believe in you. Do
you remember how, the days before our wedding, you kept asking me what were the
reasons I loved you: you wanted me to tell you five things I thought were good
about you. You wanted to know if I really believed our marriage would succeed;
you were very worried our marriage could fail, as you have always wanted you
will only marry once in your life. As many times you asked, as many times I
answered I really thought we would succeed, becuase we both were truly amazing
people. But not only that, we were both committed. For example, you gave up
smoking and doing marijuana, because you were willing to make any effort to help
our marriage succeed. So, if we would ever encounter any obstacle or crisis, we
would have both, the insight, acuity and commitment, required to overcome it.
Well, we did not only run into an obstacle, but we got destroyed, We came
across stupid, self-loving, asshole Gary
Since you were a little child
you have wished you would find somebody who will always love you. I was that
person and still are. Since you were a little child you have wished you had a
playmate. You have always been so sorry you did not have any siblings you could
play with and "missed out on all that fun". Alia, I always felt so
sad to hear you explaining how you would sit outside "Tia's"
classroom, waiting for hours for her to come out.. She was older than you and
therefore never wanted to admit you were her best friend. Alia, I have always
done my best to be your best friend. I have always done my best to be that
playmate you have always wished for.
I understand you say now I
did not do a good job at being your playmate and so, very often, you felt
lonely. But I can guarantee you, I did my best. I have heard many mothers
regret how their husbands would not fully enjoy their children's childhood;
those years where the little ones are adorable and so much fun. Those years
where they are so happy to give all the love in the world to whoever wants to
spend some time with them. I remember, for example, Cristina complaining about
Raul not being more interested in playing with Pati and Dani. Back then,
Cristina would even regret I was living in Los Angeles
I feel a little like that
about you. There was a time where you were in love with me, but that is clearly
gone. There was a time you were convinced I was pretty much perfect, but that
is clearly no longer the case. It is clear I lost your loving feeling and there
are no words to express how much I regret it.
Last December, when you wrote
me on Facebook to bark at me because I had become friends with Sabrina, as I
was trying to review your message once more, I scrolled up a bit to far and
started reading on some previous message. It happened to be something you wrote
back in the winter of 2011, when we were in Zubiri, on our first months in Spain Bass Lake
In all honesty, however, I
need to say I really do not think our marriage's failure was because I did not
dedicate enough time to you. To begin with, it is a lie our relationship was
sinking by the time we left Montana Montana Africa
adventure. Despite Maria Jesus, we had a really good time in Madrid Africa
trip, and our relationship was solid. You will remember how, one night as we
were walking back home along Serrano, after spending the evening in Sol, you
commented on a conversation you had had with Kristy, where you were telling
her: "Life is good to us". Alia, our lives were indeed really good
back then, we were really happy and our love was strong and remained strong
well into Cape Town Eastern Africa .
It is true you had lost the
fascination you felt for me when we first met, but, Alia, that happens in all
relationships. The reasons why our marriage collapsed are not that I did not
dedicate enough time to you; they were others and you know it, as long as you
get out from your denial. I mean, how is it? You were feeling sad and lonely
and that is why you left me, but could only think about it two years later?
As sad as it is for me that I
lost your loving feeling, the truth is I always predicted your love would,
unavoidably, slowly decay with time. You
will remember how, in those early days, you kept asking if I will always love
you, and I always answered that was not the threat; my opinion was that it is
usually the woman who loses all fascination for her man, so the real question
was how strong your love would remain with time. Back then, you would smile and
say I was wrong. I guess I was not.
You complain I had no sexual
interest in you. But you do not say that whenever I made any sexual advance to
you, you made sure to reject it. As a matter of fact, you would not even try to
be gentle about it, but just slap my hand off of your body. Alia, like most
women, you always wanted to be in control on how, when and where sex would take
place. I guess women very often use sex to punish and reward their men, But I
never liked to be treated like Pavlov's dog. I have always thought our
decisions should be governed by what we considered is wiser; not by my prospect
of getting sex or not. On a first thought it may be interesting for a woman her
man is desperate for sex; but, in my opinion, very often an undesirable
consequence of that is, that man sooner or later finds some other woman to
satisfy his 'hunger' with. I have always wished sex would be something we would
both enjoy. However, I remember you saying sex was something you would do for
me; in your own words, you would "give me sex". According to your
explanation, you would never get an orgasm. I always felt there was something
wrong in performing a sexual act, where I would be the only one getting sexual
pleasure. If at all, I would think you should have felt far more 'used' in such
a case: if I had asked you to have sex, knowing I would be the only one getting
sexual pleasure. But it is all alright, I know very well a woman will always be
totally welcome to demand sex, whereas it will always be totally unacceptable
for a man to do the same. Likewise, a woman will always be totally entitled to
deny sex, whereas, again, it will always be totally unacceptable for a man to
do the same. So, go ahead and keep talking about sex as much as you want,
because you will always be right on this topic. You are not taking any risk
talking about sex, and, as you have now decided, from your denial, to be an
asshole, you will certainly enjoy to elaborate more on it. I know you are
messed up from your denial, so I will understand.
Now, I think you go a little
to far when you argue you felt being used as an incubator, because (supposedly)
I wanted to have you give me children in-vitro; i.e. without sex. To begin with
it is a lie you never had any problems having children in-vitro. I remember the
very night I proposed you. We had gone to your favorite spot by the river,
where you used to play Narnia as a child and where you were doing your phenology
study. I pulled out the chocolate cake I had made for you that afternoon, as I
asked you if you would marry me. You said: "Si!!". We were so happy
on our way back home. I remember, as we were walking under the Orange street
That I made mistakes is
something there is and has never been any doubt about, but what you wrote to my
mother and you keep saying about me these days is obnoxious. Alia, the message
you wrote to my mother is horrible; you keep making the same mistake again and
again. I wish one day you will mature and learn to think for a minute before
you start writing.
Alia, as many mistakes as I
may have made, I do not care how much you scream: yours were the biggest mistakes
and it was you who betrayed me in Cape Town
In that sense, I have always
been so proud I had the insight to learn from my father's mistakes, so that I
would not repeat them. You will remember how my mother told you the first time
she met you in the Christmas days of 2010, she could see in you the same story
she had lived almost 50 years earlier. My mother married my father and came to Spain Spain
I have always thought, In
those early days of our marriage, you were in a very weak position as well: you
were all alone, you did not know anybody, you did not speak any Spanish and had
no financial resources; so depended completely on me. My mother at least got
some money from her mother. You see?, that 'old bitch', as complicated as their
relationship had always been, she had the heart to save some funds for her
daughter; in case she would ever need them. Your parents, on the other hand,
have always loved you so very much, but have always been firm they will never
support you financially. I have always thought I could have been an asshole and
you had had no other option than to suck it up. Those days there were several
times you got mad at me, for reasons I really do not think were understandable.
For much less my father would not talk to my mother for weeks; but I never
wanted to repeat my father's mistake. I have always believed there was nothing
worth losing your love. Life is, however, very unfair: my father did not lose
my mother, but I lost you.
You brought up Iona
as the only substantial episode you could come up with to justify why you
slaughtered our marriage. You thought I did not act correctly during that fight
and needed to apologize for it. I explained during our last conversation in
Table View, I was not proud of anything that happened that evening, but was not
quite sure what is that I did wrong, since I did not know what else I could
have done. You were throwing rocks at me and that was very dangerous. It was
not the time, it was not the place to play stupid child and you needed to stop;
but you would not. I feel bad for what I had to do to stop you, but I do not
know what else could I have done. As a matter of fact, when I asked you about
it, all you said was, very early in our relationship, you had already advised,
if you ever become very angry, mad and stupid, my response should be to hug
you. But, as I pointed out during our conversation in Table View, I did hug
you, but it just did not do it. You argued I only hugged you too late into the
fight. That was however not true: I hugged you too early into the fight. It was
too early, because you still had too much energy and fought it. You resisted,
you fought it, you insisted to break free. I hugged you, but it did not work.
It was too early, you still kept enough energies to be willing to continue the
fight. In any case, I have always considered it was extremely unfair, really
uneven, you believed it was OK that you acted like an asshole and the only
problem happened if my response to you being an asshole was not to hug you and
tell you I love you.
I certainly regret what
happened that evening in Iona, but far more than what I did, what I really
regret, what really makes me feel bad is what I said. I am terribly sorry for
what I kept screaming, as I was running after you. As a matter of fact, I do
remember I was already regretful of those words, as they first went through my
mind even before I started running. I knew I was going to regret saying those
words, but I could not help it. I was exhausted, it had been a horrible day
with a terrible ending. I was done. I could not do it anymore and you would not
stop throwing rocks at me. I could not see where they were coming from and two
of them had already hit me. I could not do it anymore, I had to stop you. I was
mad, I started running and screaming at you, knowing I will regret those
screams the rest of my life.
Somehow, in the back of my
mind, I think I can remember hearing those same words, as a little child, my
father running and screaming to my mother. I may be wrong; maybe it was not to
my mother, but to Cristina (Cristina, as a child, was really good getting to my
father's nerves). In any case, those screams that night in Iona
felt like a big failure for me; they were my very own defeat. As I explained
earlier, I had always tried so hard to be better than my father, to never lose
my wife's love. Yet, now I felt I was where he had been; after all, the end
result was the same. I felt now you will remember the fear of those words for
the rest of our lives. You see Alia? I see it in a different way: you are
totally against the slightest physical punishment against a child. In my
opinion, some words can hurt far more than some gentle physical punishment.
Alia, I have always done my
best to be the perfect husband for you. In the end I may have not been the best
playmate I wished I had been, but that was because, above all, I wanted to be
the perfect husband, and I thought there was more than playing in being the
perfect husband. I found it difficult to meet all expectations. I felt you
expected I would provide for our financial stability, but I also had to take
care of my half of the house chores. During our first year in Montana Africa we had
planned. Although you do not want to admit it now, you shared that view with
me. In fact, when I got my first AI project, you told me I should not bother
with the house chores; you would take care of them and I should focus on making
money.
That opportunity kept me very
busy during those months; I was getting paid for as many as 55 hours per week,
so I could not enjoy much free time. That was not a normal thing that was going
to perpetuate over our lives; it was only temporary as we were getting ready to
make a very big and costly trip. I would not like to work 55 hours per week the
rest of my life. I would like to enjoy our children's childhood. I would like
to enjoy our marriage. It is not even that I need much money myself to be
happy. You know I am frugal and have never been obsessed in buying the latest
smartphone, the fanciest laptop or the most expensive car. Alia, you really do
not see I had much more enjoyed spending time with you, rather than freaking
working?
To be honest, I find it very
unfair that you now complain so bitterly because, supposedly, I would not spend
time with you and my only concern would be to work to make money. I acknowledge
you wanted us to spend time together, but you never made the slightest
suggestion I work less, so that we had more time for ourselves: you were also
interested in the money. As I said, I felt you had some expectations I would
make a substantial contribution to our financial stability and I think there
were good, strong reasons for me to feel that way, since you gave clear signs
you were welcoming the money. Moreover, you increased the intensity of those
signs at the same time you started complaining I did not spend time with you,
because I only cared to work to make money.
As a matter of fact, after
you left me in Cape
Town Cape Town
If I have said you got
obessed with money is because you went ahead blowing up the very few bridges
remaining between us, because I did not send you the money in the terms you
demanded. To be specific, we had found a tiny bit of reconciliation in Cape Town Gary Albania
But money was not the only
thing that kept us from spending more time together. Sometimes it was just
little details and there were some details I did not take enough good care of;
certainly not very intelligently. When I was a teenager, I found myself in
quite a conflict: I felt, at that age, I was supposed to go out, party and
drink. At least, that is what everybody my age was doing. However, as you know,
I really much preferred to continue playing games and have fun the way children
do. Basically, becoming a teenager did not change for me how I liked to enjoy
my time and I preferred to keep doing what I have always done: playing board
games, riding my bike, playing tag, playing 'futbol', etc. But I was now perceived
so childish. You know Alia? I have also always wanted to have my own playmate.
In that sense, Dim was pretty much perfect, but he never lived close to me, so
we only had the weekends to hang out together. I wished I had a girlfriend who
also liked to play games, but the girls I knew were mostly from school and
therefore generally older than me, so not quite into that kind of childish
stuff. I had to wait until I was 39, but then I was lucky to meet a girl who
got interested in me and also liked playing children games. You, for example,
liked playing board games and I regret We did not get to play more often,
because I would take forever each time it was my turn to move. Our games took
then so long we stopped playing and that was my fault. The problem for me was I
always felt a lot of pressure from your parents and most of your family, to
prove I was not less intelligent than you. When we married, both of your
parents told me your dreams should be our priority, since you were so
intelligent; as my Ph.D. would not mean anything. For example, you had to go to
graduate school, because that was your dream and your education was very
important, and whether that fit well with my professional career was not a
concern to them. In the end, you will remember how playing a simple game like
Monopoly became, to your parents' eyes, like fighting cold war. Having said
that, there was no good reason to translate that obsession of mine to win each
and every game, to those times we were alone at home playing some board game,
and it was rather stupid I took forever to make any move, so that eventually we
stopped playing altogether.
I was, however, not alone in
making that kind of mistakes. I thought many times we could find a good reason
to spend time together, by cooking some meal together, as we used to on our
early days. Unfortunately, that did not quite work, as you rapidly got
frustrated with my perfectionism. After all, it is clear to me the complaints
you wrote to my mother are just excuses; lies you are telling to yourself to
justify and relieve the pain you feel inside for slaughtering our marriage. The
whole point that I was workaholic, you were feeling lonely and bored, and I
never helped you doing any house chores, does not make any sense. I really do
not see how you can fit all that together. If you say you were lonely because I
was always working and never had any time to be with you, but you also say you
were bored (I guess because you did not find much to do), why do you still
complain I would never help you with house chores? I mean, if you were bored
and could not find much to do, you do not think that by asking me to do house
chores, the time I could otherwise spend with you, I had to spend it doing
dishes or fixing some salad? Let me put it this other way: if you were bored
and did not have much to do, you do not think you could have taken care of
getting us health insurance or food stamps, so that, by saving me those tasks,
we could have used the time I spent sorting out those nightmares, to do
something together? Or, if you wanted to spend time together, why did not you
ever come with me to pick up groceries to the food bank? Instead you preferred
to stay in bed and enjoy the morning drinking coffee and reading comics. In the
last months you would come pick me up and help me carry the bags of groceries.
But for quite long, I had to figure out how to load everything on my bike and
ride back home (sometimes on snowed and icy streets). Alia, it is not true I
never helped with anything. You have said I never appreciated all the work you
were doing. That is not true, I have never complained about you. Now, it shows
you do not appreciate the work I did; as a matter of fact you deny it. But
again, I guess that is the problem, you are in denial and desperate to fabricate
excuses to relieve the pain you feel for slaughtering our marriage.
The truth, Alia, is we never
had any such problem. We never had any conflict to decide who had to do what or
who was working more and who was working less. We never had any problem because
I would not appreciate your contribution or you would not appretiate my
contribution. Our relationship was really good and it kept getting better. We
had had some fights in the past, but in 2013 they were much less than in our
first years, while we were traveling, and in 2014 we barely ever had a fight.
Our lives were good those two years we were in Montana Montana
It is definitely not true I
ignored or neglected you in Montana Bass Lake Alberta Flathead Valley
Nobody will ever believe
his/her ears hear you argue your marriage was boring and I neglected you. We
travelled across 65 countries over different periods of time that accumulate to
about half of our six years of marriage. During those times we were playing
together absolutely non-stop. Even during those times we were stationary in a
given place, we were still doing a lot of stuff together. For example, during
the months we were in Madrid Alcala de Henares , el Pardo, Bustarviejo and la sierra, Avila
During our last months in Montana Africa was coming soon and you were excited. In anticipation
you enjoyed singing those cartoons' theme song. We even adapted the lyrics, to
make it our own. That song is the best summary of how our lives and our
marriage used to be:
Adventure Time,
C'mon grab your friends,
We're going to very
distant lands. With
Monito and
Conejito,
The fun will never
end, it's Adventure...
Time!
Of course we had many
friends: the Conejitos, Rolf, Monitito,
the Chewtoy, Robert, Herbert and felicia, Culito and Culitito (although, for
some mean reason, you insisted to call it Culeton). We then finally put the
whole gang together and went for our most amazing adventure. Do you remember
how you liked to sing?:
Iiiit's Monkey and Bunny ...and Robert;
It's Monkey and Bunny ...and Robert;
off to see the world... with Robert!
Alia, you came up with that
song; it's yours. You were so excited to go to Africa ,
you could not wait. You kept singing that song in the months prior to our
departure and all along our journey across Africa .
Can you believe now you are saying you really never wanted to go to Africa
and Robert was not the car you wanted, but only the car I bought because it was
cheap? And you swear you are not in denial?
Why Alia? I think your
immaturity played a big part: your immaturity did not allow you to manage all
the success and compliments you so very much deserved and received for your
amazing work during the six months we were traveling across Africa .
Once you had made the big mistake of stabbing our marriage, Your immaturity did
not allow you to pull out.
I think I know you hate me to
say you are immature, because of the way you were raised, but I wish you would
understand that, by saying so, I am taking the blame away from you. And I do so
(take the blame away from you) sincerely. I may be right or wrong, but that is
what I believe and have always believed and said; not because I want to excuse
you and or attack anybody, just because I truly believe so.
As I told you that evening at
the workshop, when you moved in with fucking, self-loving, asshole Gary
Alia, I do not think you will
ever realize how much pain you have gone and will go through because of that
horrible principle (You have always been believed to be so intelligent, you
always knew what you were doing, therefore we all had to respect your
decisions). It did not matter if you wanted to start doing drugs as early as 11
years old, or drop out of school at 14; you knew what you were doing and we all
had to respect it. Alia, how the fuck can anybody argue a brilliant student who
drops out of school at the age of 14, knows what she is doing? How the fuck can
anybody argue an 11 year old child who starts doing drugs, is perfectly
knowledgeable about what she is doing? Was anybody aware you had done some
scientific research on the effects of the drugs you were doing on an
11-year-old brain? Well, I guess after all, you were going to pay the
consequences. The worst of all, you are now so immature: if Alia wants it, Alia
needs to have it. Alia, you are incapable of accepting 'No' as an answer. Life
fooled you to think you had figured out the magic recipe to always get your
way: if anybody would ever question your choice, if anybody ever tried to stop
you, you would get mad until you would finally get your way. But you were not
told (rather you had to figure it out yourself), that trick only really worked
with your parents and, most importantly, was only good to achieve little
fancies, but will otherwise hurt you succeeding in the important things in
life: like, for example, your marriage. Now, you insist I take some, if not
all, of our marriage's failure; but it is not my fault you constantly chose to
hurt our marriage, in order to get your way, in order to get a fancy.
Alia, I really feel truly
sorry. Please believe me Alia, I really feel so: that is not your fault, It is
not your fault you are incapable of accepting 'No' as an answer. you are the
first victim of that. You had it really difficult: you never got any guidance,
you had to figure it all out. You should believe I am sincerly sorry, because,
in the end, I also had to pay the consequences.
You may remember how, during
our first months together, you kept alerting me about your belief you were a bit
crazy. You explained sometimes you would go through times of big anger. You
were certainly recalling your relationship with Trask. You were trying to
explain, during those times of anger you hurt Trask. As you were concerned
whether our marriage would succeed or not, you were worried how I will deal
with your streaks of anger. Back then you were totally convinced you were a
strong woman, who would beat me up if necessary and get me under your control
in no time: those were the days you enjoyed joking with Steelman, I was
"Javi Suave".
We were in Mexico City
It is heartbreaking to think,
we had almost overcome all that, when we came across fucking, self-loving,
asshole Gary
We went through some of the
most difficult times those four days we drove from Budapest Madrid 6am
in the morning, on the Italian side of the Alps .
However, we did not start moving that morning until a few hours later, because
you got mad at me when I asked you not to turn on my dying HTC smartphone that
early. You started following me down the road, hitting and screaming at me,
until we were reported and a police car came to check on us. Then you calmed
down: you realized you had made a mistake. You started driving towards Cinque
Terre. I was very upset for your stupid reaction earlier that morning. I can
tell you were feeling horrible for exactly the same reason. All through the
afternoon we went through the different towns of Cinque Terre, but you never
felt like getting off the car and going for a walk with me. I went on my own
while you waited for me with endless patience. You never complained if I took
too long. As a matter of fact, you were very sweet. You were very sad all that
afternoon: clearly you felt horrible for what had happened earlier that
morning. I felt bad and still feel bad today, you were in such state. Still
today I fear it was wrong I still tried to enjoy the afternoon in Cinque Terre,
when you were all broken.
Near sunset, we left Cinque
Terre towards Monaco midnight we finally reached Monaco
The next day, after a quick
walk around Monaco Madrid
I had planned we could still
make a quick stop at the Gorge du Verdon. I had always remembered that place
Jeff Carpentier had so strongly recommended to us on our first day in France France Europe .
As we were getting close to the turn off, I reminded you about it. You were
very worried, though. I believe you also wished we could go, but just did not
see we had enough time for it. I think I could perceive some fear in your
words: you were still feeling very sad. We had had quite some fights over the
previous days and you were fearing we would have one more over Gorge de Verdon.
You did your best to explain, even if we tried and made the effort to go there,
we just would not have any time to enjoy it. You would also love to go, but the
point of a place like a gorge, is to go for a little hike, enjoy the scenery,
relax, etc. But, at that time, that was impossible for us: it would be
come-and-go. I really hated the idea of missing out on the Gorge du Verdon, as
I had been planning on it for a long time. However, your reasoning was solid
and had no cracks I could exploit to attack it. What you said made a lot of
sense and I could not argue it; so, as much as I hated it, I gave up.
From then on we had a
non-stop drive to Madrid
Shortly before leaving France Barcelona midnight .
After our nap, you finally
drove us through the night from Barcelona Madrid Madrid Madrid Madrid
Cristina had left some keys
at the gate and we were able to clean up a bit and change clothes for the
embassy. We then left again to renew my passport. That was when that freaking
idiot rejected my id pictures and I had to take those potatoe-head pictures.
Afterwards, we had to run to Sol, to get an 'Antecedentes Penales' certificate.
Unfortunately, we lost some precious time before we found out we first needed
to pay the fee at the bank. We ended up running across Sol, to get back to the
car and drive from there to the embassy. I arrived a bit late, but it was still
OK. I made my appointment and my green card was finally approved. After two
years fighting for it, We could finally go back to the US
That closed one chapter and
opened a new one in our marriage. We had just completed two years, where we did
the most amazing travels all over Central America and Europe .
Needless to say, it was not all perfect; it was real life after all, and life
has never been perfect. We certainly had difficult times. I have always said we
never had it easy. You were very young and were all alone: you did not have
anybody except for me. You did not speak the language. You did not have any
money and depended all on me. Your parents were not of much help in the
beginning of our relationship nor later.
I recall we had it really
difficult in Italy Sicily Messina
Ironically, those fantastic
news made of our lives a bit of a nightmare for the following few weeks.
Somehow, you entered in a state of enormous stress and, all of a sudden, you
needed to go back to the US US Montana Oregon Palermo Agrigento Ragusa Catania Ragusa Sicily Madrid Sicily Madrid Italy Northern
Italy , we would decide
whether to head West, back to Madrid US Slovenia Croatia Eastern Europe .
That is what we did. We went
to Matera, Puglia, up the Southeastern coast to Perugia and Umbria, San Marino,
back to Florence, Verona and, finally, Venezia. In Venezia, as promised, I
asked you if you wanted to go East or West. It was not really necessary, you
did not give it much of a thought and we continued towards Eastern Europe . That had not been your position one month earlier,
but I do not think you have ever regretted to postpone our return to Montana Eastern Europe and Turkey
As a matter of fact, we had
gone through a similar disjunctive a few months earlier in Prague Prague Montana Prague Madrid Poland
You really felt like going
back home: you have been thinking about it for quite some time already and were
very excited about it. You then got very
disappointed when you heard me trying to talk you out of it. I did not want to
impose anything, but I did not want to repeat the same experience as in Cancún
in August 2010: after one week together in the Yucatán peninsula, you returned
to Montana, because you could not consider take a leave from school; but, once
there, you felt very lonely and concluded it was best to come back to Mexico.
That night in Prague US Poland
You may remember that
Christmas Day in Prague Europe with me. I understand Robyn was disappointed to hear
the news, to hear of your change of mind.
I remember I could see you
talking with Robyn, until, suddenly, you were not there anymore. I had no idea
where you had gone; I could not find you anywhere. Finally, I went to the dorm.
The light was off, so I turned it on. Then, I saw you lying on the bed crying.
I asked what happened. You did not want to explain in detail, but still gave me
a bit of a hint: Robyn was disappointed you were not coming back home and you
were disappointed with what she had said to you. You never explained in detail
what your mother told you, but I think I know.
When you finally flew back to
Montana in late August 2012, one month since that very stressful ride from
Budapest to Madrid, after two years traveling all over Central America and
Europe, among all your luggage, you brought with you a whole lot of thoughts
and reflections. You went back to Montana Central America and Europe . It had been an amazing experience. One that you will
never forget. You learned a lot and experienced an immense growth: culturally
and intellectually. You had learned another language, about cooking, history,
geography, etc. You went back as a far more mature person, who had been able to
recognize there had been times where you made mistakes, and had learned from
them. You were intelligent enough to realize, there had been times where you
hurt our marriage for no good reason. As a matter of fact, when you arrived
back in Montana
True or false, whether you
had made mistakes which hurt our marriage or it was only me that manipulated
you with that thought, you tried hard to learn from your mistakes and avoid
repeating them. So many times you had grovelled and kicked yourself, for your
part in starting and exacerbating all those fights that, unavoidably, had hurt
our marriage. You did not want to go through that pain again: you did not want
to hurt our marriage again and you did not want to feel bad for hurting our
marriage. As a matter of fact, I think we both can agree without a doubt our
relationship improved over those two years in Montnaa. It had never been bad,
but it became even better. In late 2013, when I wrote my mother to tell her we
were going to Africa , I expressed some concerns I had. The thought of a
journey across Africa was fascinating, but it was also a risk to the
excellent relationship we had built.
I have always believed, if we
had built throughout the years such a wonderful and solid relationship, which
everybody admired and got inspired with, it was to a big extend because you
were able to recognize mistakes and learn from them. It was exactly what I had
predicted a few years earlier, when you asked me if I really thought we would
succeed in our marriage: we had the acuity and we had the commitment. We wanted
to succeed and we had all the insight and talent to succeed. It is then so sad
fucking, self-loving, idiot Gary wiped out all that brightness of your mind.
And, all of a sudden. what everybody who knew us thought was completely
impossible, becamd possible. Some months ago, Souleymane wrote me from Bamako Bamako
You are now like Donald
Trump: Alia first! Alia always first! Alia is awesome and she deserves
everything. There is no good reason for her to be grateful for anything she
has, because nothing is enough for what she deserves. Alia is always right, she
always knows what she is doing and everybody has to respect and support her
decisions, no matter what. If anything goes wrong, it is not her fault: the
world is to blame. You think it is pretty awesome, because there is no reason
to grovel and kick yourself over any mistake anymore. But now you will get
stuck in whatever mess you get yourself into. There used to be a time where you
were able to recognize it had been stupid to start doing drugs or drop out of
school. And, consequently, you rectified and were able to get yourself out of
that: you went back to school and stopped doing drugs. There used to be a time
you cherish our marriage and did your best to make it stronger day by day. Now,
you have decided it was a nightmare, I was horrible to you, you deserved so
much more and had no other choice than to go to the other side of the world.
That is where you will remain stuck, because you have nothing to change; the
world has.
Why Alia? Whatever with Cape Town Cape Town
Why Alia? why did not you
even try? I have never been rancorous. I have always cherished our marriage. We
have always worked together. We were an amazing team. From the very beginning,
life was difficult on us. Yet, we overcame every obstacle along the way: that
is how strong and good we were. You will remember when that Muslim family put us
up in Shkodra Lake Albania Shkodra Lake Albania Iona ). I needed to cool off. I am sorry Alia. After a
while I could not hear you anymore, I started walking around. I got to some
place where there were some people. They were all very confused, as it was very
clear I did not belong there. I am sure they thought I was lost. They guessed I
was a foreigner. They looked for somebody who could speak some foreign language
and be able to communicate with me. Some young woman came out and asked me if I
needed any help. She was the daughter of the family we stayed with. She spoke
good Italian, since (I believe to remember) she lived in Northern Italy with her husband. I was not quite sure how to answer
her question; I finally told her I was looking for some place where I could
sleep. She checked very quickly with somebody and then said there was a room,
if I would be OK to use it. I replied, I would very much appreciate it. She
guided me to her parents house and offered something hot to drink. They thought
I might be cold and gave me a blanket to cover myself with. When I finished my
drink, they asked me if I wanted to take a shower. I thought it was a good idea
and accepted. They also gave me a change of clothes I could put on after my
shower. When I finished, I went back to the living room to take a seat on the
couch. I had had some drink to warm up, a little bit of food, I had cleaned up
and looked fresh and more relaxed. So the girl asked me how I was feeling now:
"is everything now OK? Are you now happy?". I remained silent for a
second, as I had been thinking about that for a while already. I told her 'No'.
I told her there was a problem that kept bothering me: I was missing my wife. I
told her I did not know where you were and was worried about you. Because I
was: I was missing you and worried about you. She got it immediately: "la
donna!". SHe asked where were you. I told her I did not know. She asked me
if I wanted to go out look for you. I said 'Yes'. I was not quite sure how that
was going to go, as the night had fallen already and I had no clue where you
could be, what you may have done. However, I needed to try it. I was worried
for you and did not want you to stay out there, alone, for the night. I went
out and it was pitch black: I was worried I might get lost myself. I tried to
be careful and keep good track of the path I was following. Based on the
directions I was given at the house, I was able to reach the road. My hope now
was to find you in the car, stopped, somewhere along the road. However, as I
started walking down the road, some guy on a bicycle intercepted me. I was a
little annoyed by him, but he told me he was a policeman. I was not really sure
what to think about that, but it was not the time to start an argument, so I
accepted to show him my Swiss passport. As I have later joked about it many
times, the guy shitted in his pants when he saw it: "Swiss passport!,
hahaha, Swiss passport!". The guy barely dared to touch my passport and
throwed it back to me almost immediately. I then continued walking down the
road, hoping, at some point, I would run into some car parked on the side of
the road. It seemed to me a bit of wishful thinking; but I had to try. All of a
sudden, I thought I could see in the dark a car right in front of me. It seemed
to be good, old Rolf! I went look to the driver's seat, hoping to find you
there. There you were!! At first you were scared, since you did not know who it
was that was coming to the window. Then you recognized me and got really happy.
I was very happy I had found you and you were safe. But I was also feeling very
bad and sad thinking what you had gone through, thinking you had been sitting
there, all alone in the dark, very sad and depressed, for the last few hours;
to the extent that you had submitted to the idea to remain there for the rest
of the night. Fortunately, everything was now over. I told you about the Muslim
family and we drove back to the house. Now we were happy.
Alia, you are my wifie. I
have always loved you. I have always cared for you. I have always stood by you.
I will always remember our wedding. I will always remember your face. I
remember how that 'bitch'judge, at the beginning of the ceremony, barked at me: not to look at her, but to look
at you! She was right. I looked at you and saw your face. I saw your immense,
gorgeous smile. You were so happy. It was incredible. I was amazed. I could not
believe that beautiful girl was so happy to marry me. I felt very lucky. I felt
blessed. I swore I will always love you and care for you, in happiness and
sorrow, in health and illness, in wealth and poverty... And I meant it. You are
the woman I wanted to share my life with, because I believed in you; I always
have. I knew there would be difficult times; in life there always are. But we
would walk through together. We went through difficult times, but we pushed
through together. There were times you hurt me, but even in the worst of them,
I believed in you, because I knew it was also very difficult for you. You broke
my heart in Cape
Town
Alia, Our marriage is the
most amazing love story ever. Do you remember Rufo?; the coolest dog in San
Jose Pacifico, in the mountains of Oaxaca Valladolid San
Cristobal Mexico Central America : "tra-la-ra-la-ra!". Do you remember
hitch-hiking with Jaime (the coolest trucker in Mexico Nicaragua Costa Rica Panama Huelva Umbria Paris Netherlands Bergen Lofoten Islands Artic Ocean Rome Roman Empire in Pompey? Do you remember bicycling up-and-down
around Paros ? Do you remember swimming in that beautiful, desert
beach in Halkidiki's peaceful middle-finger? Do you remember patching good, old
Rolf's oil pan in Yedigoller? Do you remember playing Greek invaders in Troy Missoula 1004
Garfield Ave
Do you really think we were
not happy? Do you really think it is not worth to fight for Monkey and Bunny?
Do you really want Monkey and Bunny to die? I do not.
Are you sure Dr. Jeckyll did
such a bad job for you? Live is really so much better now that Mrs. Hyde is in
control? I have always said Dr. Jeckyll is adorable. Alia, please, bring Dr.
Jeckyll back, so that Monkey and Bunny start dancing again. The future belongs
to us, Alia
Alia, has anyone ever written
anything for you? In the end, I hear you left me because I did not love you
enough. I suppose other people love you more; whatever that means. Has anyone
ever written anything for you? I suppose other people will go a step farther
for you. I suppose other people will be there for you more than I. What is the
most beautiful present anybody has ever made for you? What is the most
beautiful kiss anybody has ever given to you? Has Cecilio ever written anything
for you? Has self-loving Gary
Has anyone ever written anything for you?
In all your darkest hours
Have you ever heard me sing?
Listen to me now
You know I'd rather be alone
Than be without you
Don't you know?
Has anyone ever given anything to you?
In your darkest hours
Did you ever give it back?
Well, I have
I have given that to you
If it's all I ever do
This is your song
And the rain comes down
There's no pain and there's no doubt
It was easy to say
I believed in you everyday
If not for me
Then do it for the world
Has anyone ever written anything for you?
Javier
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