Excuses for a Break Up - Alia's Email 2017

In March 2017, Alia writes Javi's mother to explain why she left him: she lists 10-15 reasons.

Mar 14 2017: Alia writes my mother giving her 10-15 reasons why she left me. None of them is for any kind of abuse.

Dec 13 2017: I write a very emotional and sincere email to Alia, trying to explain she got fooled by Gary, she got messed up and is in denial.

sagasti123@yahoo.es

Mar 14, 2017, 10:36 AM

to me

Maria,

First, it is absolutely not true that I left him for his blindness.

I left him for many reasons, his disability is not one of them.

Second, you say you want to hear my side of the story, but it seems you have already taken his story as the whole truth.

Do you really think he made no mistakes? That he was perfect?

Our marriage was struggling for years.

Let me tell you about the two years in montana with your son.  

I was lonely. We lived in the same house. He worked at home. But he did not spend any time with me. It was important for him to work, but he worked too much. You say I was obsessed with money, but he was obsessed.

When I finished university, and then finished summer work, I was excited for us to possibly move somewhere and start a life on our own. To finally get a home of our own. To start a family. Instead, he wanted to go to africa. I did not really want to go on a big trip again. I did not want the stress. But I was smart enough to realize that anyone would love to go and see those places, so I agreed.

The next year, I was held in limbo. He originally told me we would leave in December 2013. I started packing the house. He kept telling me we needed a little longer. I would ask when we might leave, then I could get a job if I had time. He kept saying soon. I never got a summer forestry job in 2014 because he gave me the impression we would leave.

For the whole year of 2014 I was waiting for him to tell me what we were doing. I tried to keep busy. I appreciate him for supporting my sewing. It was all I had.

We were in the house together every day, but we barely spoke. He would just work. I would try to make nice food for him. I knew he was busy, so I would tell him, "dinner will be ready in 20 minutes." I would tell him this hoping he would finish work so we could enjoy dinner. I would be sitting at the table, food cold, waiting for him every time. I respected that he needed to finish. But he did not respect my efforts to spend time together. Even when we had friends over for dinner, he would often go back to working. He would only spend a little time talking.

He did not do the things he did to spend time with me. To enjoy time with me. He always did whatever for bragging rights. If we went somewhere, it had to be something big.

Do you remember how much weight i had gained when we came to spain from montana? I was so unhappy, lonely, and bored in Montana. I had nothing to do because i was waiting for him to tell me when we were leaving. If I told him I was lonely or sad, he wouldn't try to spend time with me or pay more attention to me. He would just tell me to get some friends. As if it is so easy.

I wanted to spend time with him. I became depressed. I told him. He did not believe me. He would say that I just wanted attention. He would not help me.

He says I am obsessed with money. Let me tell you how your son is with money. He does not take responsibility to pay people for the work he has them do. He would have me lie about his money on his taxes. He would lie to the government about his money so he could get public assistance.

I asked him to send money for the monocular because i had no money. Do you know that he put all our charges on credit cards in my name? He put the risk and debt on me. When I left Africa, he put many charges on my card, including his flight back to Spain. I asked him to help me pay. Just to pay his flight. He would not. I am still trying to pay off that credit card. It was hard for me to get a job because I had not worked much in years. We were always travelling, so my resume did not look very good.

You want to know what was the final thing that destroyed our marriage? His need to go across Africa. I am very glad we got to go to all these places, but did you ever think about what he made me do?

He says I am obsessed with money. He sacrificed my health and safety to save money. Instead of paying a little money to get a safe place to sleep now and then, he preferred to have us sleep in dangerous places in the car. It did not have to be every night. Just occasionally. But no. We slept in the car almost always.

Did you ever think about what he put me through going to Africa? I lost so much weight from stress and lack of sleep. I lost much of my hair. I was so sleep deprived from him pushing me to drive all day every day that i was urinating in my sleep. I would not wake up. I would pee myself. 

Your son was so intent on spending little money that he only gave us a 1500E budget to buy a car. This caused me a lot of time and stress. I always had to work on the car because it was so old. 

You are right. I did not need to do everything for him. He was capable of helping with house chores. He could cook. He could help. He did not. He never helped. Not when we were in Montana. Not later. 

You may not want to hear this, but we had no sex life. He showed no interest in me. I eventually gave up trying. He was not interested.

Do you know how that made me feel? I did not feel like his wife. I felt like his servant. His chauffeur. 

I never had any problem having in vitro babies with him. But when it was clear that he wasn't even interested in me sexually, it started to feel wrong. Why would i want to bring a child into a marriage that had no physical love? Since he showed no sexual interest, the fact he wanted a child made me feel used. Like he was just using me as an incubator.

By the time we were in Angola, I would look at him napping in the passenger seat of the car. I was so tired, but there he was napping. I would drive all day, then make dinner, and sometimes he would help with the bed. The next day I would work on the car in the morning, then drive all day. He pushed me too far. By the time we were in Angola, I would look over at him in th passenger seat and realize, “I do not love you anymore.”

Your son thinks everything is my fault. This is how he always treated me. I know I made mistakes. Plenty of mistakes. He is incapable of realizing that he made mistakes too.

In the end, we did not know each other when we got married. We grew to know each other but there were many things that just were not compatible between us.

It’s not simple. Its not solely my error.

Alia