Email Exchange with Alia 2010
Alia
explains her long relationship with drugs. Alia shows her insecurities, but I
am very supportive (see email Apr 9 2010 ).
Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>
Attachments
to me
You came to me in a dream this morning. I saw your face, and you said, "You're
going to regret getting up so early."
Then, my alarm went off. Thanks
for the warning, but I don't think I'll regret it. I'm actually pretty chipper, especially
considering I got fucking drunk last night, and went to bed late because I
wanted to speak with some long-winded man.
I hope that my comment about
LSD does not make you disrespect me. I
would rather be honest about those sort of things than otherwise. You have a lot to learn about me, and trust
me, there's been a lot of drugs. This
hopefully does not make you think I'm just trying to escape my own mind. Quite the opposite. I have never delved into my mind so
deeply.
I feel like such a fool
talking about this with you, because frankly, I have the utmost respect your
refusal to try any mind altering substances.
In some ways, I wish you did
not know. I have spent years working on
keeping those things secret, so that I could be respected as an intelligent
professional. Having had such
experiences has not damaged my life.
Psychedelics have not impaired my ability to lead a normal life. This is mostly because, I do them rarely, and
do them when appropriate.
A lot of people who do drugs
are complete idiots about it. They just
want to escape from whatever pain they're in, or want to be seen as cool. This is hardly part of my decision. My decisions to do such are based on wanting
to think very considerately about something going on in my life, or life in
general. You could say, "You do not
need to take something to think about life," and this would be true, but I
don't think the kind of deep thoughts I've had would have emerged
otherwise. In short, I've come to some
great realizations about myself and the people in my life.
For instance, I once took
psychedelic mushrooms a few months after one of my close friends and
schoolmates died. I was having a very
good time with my best friend, and then realized that I was, "Female
Johnny Bravo." Johnny Bravo, if you
don't know, is this chauvinistic cartoon character who's always chasing after
these strong women, and always gets his ass kicked. He also thinks he's the best thing on the
planet. It took me until the next day to
figure out why I was female Johnny Bravo, but was relieved when I did. Johnny Bravo was also my dead friend's fake
name when we would go camping. Before he
died, we spent a lot of time together, but always had conflicts. Realizing that I was female Johnny Bravo, the
female equivalent of my friend, made me realize that all our conflicts were
because we were exactly the same in so many ways. Realizing we clashed because of our
similarities, he also had a very strong personality, made me get over a lot of
the pain I was in from his death. It
wasn't the drugs that made me feel better, they just made a part of my
unconscious, well, conscious.
When I considered doing LSD
last night, I considered not because I wanted to escape from the sadness and
anger of the last week, or because other people were doing it. I considered because It would put me in a
very deep, philosophical state. It would
allow me to unlock thoughts I won't even let myself observe consciously. This
may seem ridiculous to you, but I have learned this from experience. I have spent weeks of my life thinking deeply
about the cosmos sober, and never have had as deep of realizations as when in
this state. I am a very philosophical
person, but my mind still conceals the truth from itself sometimes.
I feel like I'm trying to
justify my actions to you. I don't
really feel you need me to justify, but for some reason I still am. In a way, I'm trying to justify my actions to
myself. I know you have told me not to
feel unworthy of you, but when it comes to my use of certain substances, I
can't help but feel unworthy. You are an amazing man. I have always had the utmost respect for
sobriety.
In short, I am not
perfect. I am a very confused and lost
person. It may not be obvious to you,
but it's true. I have spent years angry,
depressed, and suicidal. While I say
that I do not do drugs to escape, I'm actually lying to a certain extent. I do want to escape, I want to escape into my
unconscious to figure out why I'm so terribly unhappy. It's true, being high is a temporary way for
me to be happy, but it's really the realizations I have that make me
happier. I don't forget my problems when
I use substances, I actually acknowledge many that I would otherwise ignore
because they are so difficult to deal with.
Indeed, doing drugs makes me 'artificially' happy some would say, but
even if that happiness is 'artificial' it DOES allow me to ponder more
difficult issues.
Javier, I am a very disturbed
person. I am NOT perfect. I can be very angry, mean, and
depressed. The more I write about this,
the more I realize I'm a fucking idiot.
I'm totally full of shit trying to justify my childish and escapist use
of drugs. With you, there's no
justification. I feel like an awful
person when it comes to this. You are so
good, so well balanced, and I'm a fucking nut-case.
I'm not doing so well
Javier. I'm struggling with my life
right now. You are a godsend, but your
entrance into my life has also created extreme chaos. A lot is changing for me, in a good way, but
it's difficult. I wish Trask would start
moving, but he's so goddamn slow at everything.
I can barely get any writing done with all of this going on, and I
really need to work to get my writing done.
I'm stressed Javier.
I'm still so conflicted about
you leaving the country. I really just
want to marry you now, and keep you here.
I really don't think it's a good idea though. I'm worried that if we act now, we will
quickly discover things about each other that will force us apart. I don't want to be married more than once. That may seem ridiculous, but I take marriage
seriously, and I still have uncertainty.
The thing is, there is always going to be uncertainty, so I also want to
grab the present by the collar, and fucking marry you now. I'm so worried that after you leave, I may
never see you again. I'm worried you
will find a woman more appealing than me.
Someone perfect. I'm worried you
may not get back into this country, and I can not leave yet.
I don't want to offend you,
but I'm also still cautious about marrying you, because you're being
deported. I don't believe that you would
marry me to stay here, why would you.
But, I'm still cautious. I really
don't want you to be offended, I'm just a very careful person. That's how I do everything, including drugs,
very carefully. I'm not completely
certain why I'm still careful though, because you have shown me nothing but
unfaltering love and adoration. I feel
bad about my caution.
I'm also feel bad for
something else. I still wonder about our
age difference. While you are young in
spirit now, I'm afraid of you becoming old spirited and uptight. I'm worried that if we get married, after
awhile, settling down will make you less adventurous, less open minded. You have lived much longer than I, and have
seen much more. I still want to see the
world, live in new places, and meet new people.
I'm worried that you may not desire this anymore, since you have seen
many places, and met many people. I
don't want to have children for another few years, I don't want to settle
down. This does not mean I don't want to
marry you, I do. It just means that I
want to enjoy being with you before we commit our lives to another human. I don't want a boring life, where I stay at
home and take care of children. Not that
children are not exciting, I just don't want that commitment yet.
I don't suspect you expected
to have children any time soon. I'm sure
you want to enjoy me alone for a while too.
I am very young Javier. I have a
lot I want to accomplish in this life, because I do not know if I'll get
another. Mostly, I just want to have
fun, and explore life right now.
I'm worried that we may not
want the same things. That you may want
to become more settled. I'm not totally
ready to do that. I'm a scholar. I want to research. I want to contribute to the world before I
give it another mouth to feed. I want to
discover something amazing before I find a real job. I know you would say, "You could
discover something amazing working a job," but I would rather not go that
way. I know you understand the desire
for scholarship, after all, you are also a career learner.
I want you so badly to move
back here and live with me until I finish my undergraduate. I'm worried you may not be able to find
employment in this town though. It's NOT
easy to find a job here. I'm not worried
whether you could be hired, you are a fucking genius who works very hard, but
there's just not much here. I am worried
that I may have to kick your ass to get you out the fucking door to get to work
on time, but I welcome that.
I'm afraid it is going to be
unbearably difficult to be away from you.
I'm afraid when we are back together, it will still be difficult.
I'm worried about how your
family will treat me. I wish I could
disregard other people's opinions, but I do care whether they dislike me. I don't want the people who love the man I
love to hate me. The only person I'm not
worried about is Paty. I have a feeling
her and I would have a great time together.
One thing I love about you,
is your treatment of me as an equal, regardless of our age difference. I appreciate your respect for my maturity and
intelligence. I try to give the same
respect to younger people. I don't
always give the same respect to older people though, because some act so
superior to younger people, they barely deserve acknowledgment. Because they have lived longer, some think
they have gained more experience. This
isn't necessarily true, especially when concerning specific life
experiences. Because they have lived
longer, some also think they are more intelligent. This is definitely not always the case. I don't want you to become one of those
stuck-up people who insist to themselves, and everybody else, that young people
just don't know what they're doing.
I don't want you to become
one of those people who forgot what it was like to be young. What it was like to be a child. I refuse to forget that, at any age, I had my
own intense struggles that seemed like the biggest problems in the world. To me, remembering that, even though a
child's, teenager's, or college student's problems may not be the worst things
to happen, they were awful in relativity.
I vowed to myself years ago, I would never forget what it is like to be
a child. I will never be able to say,
"I don't remember what it was like to be seven." I still remember, and for the sake of myself
and my children, I plan never to forget.
Children need parents who
remember what it is like to be a child, and can act like children when it is
appropriate.
I have just written a fucking
ton! And, you're still plodding away on
whatever first message you're writing. I
know you're going to be traveling and wont be able to write, but I will
probably continue to express what I'm thinking.
It helps. I will also patiently,
though desperately, await a letter from you.
I saw a pileated woodpecker
(Dryocopus pileatus ) while bird counting today. They are huge! For woodpeckers that is.
I love you
Attachments area
Javier <jbscheuber@gmail.com>
Sun, Apr 4, 2010, 2:20 PM
to Alia
Dear Madam Floren,
To the most wonderful girl on
the planet, I hope the birds had a beautiful rise this morning. Did they ask
about me? Please tell them I also miss them, although, to say the truth, I
mostly miss you.
I take off now, it will be a
beautiful day riding around the Flathead lake. I wish you were here. I wish you
would come ride with me. It would be the most beautiful day ever possible.
I feel sad I am getting
farther away from you, but I understand that is what you want me to do. I know
we will see each other soon, no matter what. I love you - you love me and that is all what I need. I am
strong and will not allow anything to keep us apart. You are strong and will
not allow anything to keep us apart.
Alia, I will always be with
you, no matter what. You are what matters the most in my life.
I love you,
Javier
...
[Message clipped] View entire message
Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>
to me
Oh, how I love my Iberian macho.
I hope you had a good soak
last night in the hotsprings. Someday,
I'll take you deep into the woods to soak in a free, and natural
hotspring. There's nothing better than
rubbing your feet in the granite sand at the bottom of the pool and marveling at
the muscovite mica floating throughout the water.
You must be writing a fucking
dissertation, since I've still had no message from you. I know you are being considerate and taking
your time to write to me. But, damn! This American is a little impatient.
Sometimes, I feel like such a
fool. The other night you told me that
what I had wrote made it sound like I was needy. I'm just confused, and trying to work things
out in my head though. I just wanted to
express my worries. When I'm with you, I
know they will dissipate. I don't
believe I'm needy. It is simple to make
me happy. I just also want to accomplish
a lot in this life. But, that doesn't
hang on you. That is work I need to do
for myself. Do you think it is
impossible for me to have both you and a career? Can I not always get what I want?
You are so amazingly
rational. So grounded. But, you can not possibly understand the
intense confusion I'm going through right now.
My mind is reeling. All the time,
thoughts are battling other thoughts.
I've always had an overactive mind, but now it seems like an atom
bomb. Exponential explosion.
I love you so much, and I
fear that something I will say will prove your best expectations of me
wrong. Push you away from me. I'm sorry if I'm being worrisome, but I'm
stressed, and trying to figure things out.
This is a hard time in my life.
I even feel like writing
these kinds of anxious rants will make you think I'm irrational and push you
away from me.
Again, I'm sorry about being
so worried. I just am right now
though. I have no doubts about my love
for you though, and have no question that I want to be in your life. That I want you in my life.
People are trying to tell me
what to do. Fuck them! Who are they to tell me what is best. Maybe I'll explain the specific instance I'm
thinking of later.
I love you. Going to do an awesome experiment in lab
today. And, I don't have to write a lab
report this week. Yes!
Te quiero,
Alia
From: Javier [jbscheuber@gmail.com]
Sent: Sunday, April 04, 2010 2:20 PM
To: Floren, Alia
Subject: Re: I love you
Javier <jbscheuber@gmail.com>
Wed, Apr 7, 2010, 12:13 AM
to Alia
I am sorry I could not call
you today. I met tonight the people I was going to stay with and only got free
just now. Unfortunately, I did not get any time to write today, nor yesterday,
nor the day before. I am truly sorry about that. I think I will send part of
what I wrote so far.
I love your messages Alia. I
just feel very sorry I cannot keep up with them. I wish I could write as much
as you. I think that would make you happy and help you, particularly now that
your life is a little upside down. I am sorry I am failing you in that sense
Please don't think your
messages are scaring me off. I really cherish and appreciate your sincerity and
trust. I want to thank you for trusting your feelings and opening your heart to
me. They are nothing but confirming the beautiful person you are. Today I had a
wonderful day: when I got up I saw your message and was happy for the rest of
the day. I am sorry I could not do the same for you. Alia, you are, by far, the
best that has ever happened in my life. Your messages, your love, are the
biggest treasure I have ever received.
Alia, I don't think you are a
needy person. You prove that to me in Missoula
What i tried to say the other
night, is that I feel sad to see you were worried. I wish you would not worry
and enjoy the moment. I tried to help you forget your worries and remember what
makes you happy: the most simple things. I take the blame for your worries. If
I could write you some more, probably you would not worry that much.
Please do not think you have
lost my respect with your messages; it is rather the opposite. I wish you were
not doing drugs, the same way you tell me to bike safely. I cherish your brain
more than anything and fear you may harm it in the long run. However, precisely
because I know how intelligent you are, I have absolute trust in your good
judgment. As a matter of fact, you made it clear that, in the end, we both
agree on this subject. It then does not seem to me it would help to explain you
what you already know. If you already know what you need to know, I just hope
one day you will do what you know is best for you.
I don't mind your big plans
either. I know that when the comes, we will sit down, talk and find some way to
fit everything together. I certainly believe you should be able to enjoy your
life with me and have an exciting career. Again, I am sure we will be able to
figure it out.
Alia, I love you, you are the
best that ever happened in my life. I will always be on your side. I am so
happy to be with you,
Javier
...
[Message clipped] View entire message
Javier
<jbscheuber@gmail.com>
to alia.floren, javier
I am sorry I could not call
you today. I met tonight the people I was going to stay with and only got free
just now. Unfortunately, I did not get any time to write today, nor yesterday,
nor the day before. I am truly sorry about that. I think I will send part of
what I wrote so far.
I love your messages Alia. I
just feel very sorry I cannot keep up with them. I wish I could write as much
as you. I think that would make you happy and help you, particularly now that
your life is a little upside down. I am sorry I am failing you in that sense
Please don't think your
messages are scaring me off. I really cherish and appreciate your sincerity and
trust. I want to thank you for trusting your feelings and opening your heart to
me. They are nothing but confirming the beautiful person you are. Today I had a
wonderful day: when I got up I saw your message and was happy for the rest of
the day. I am sorry I could not do the same for you. Alia, you are, by far, the
best that has ever happened in my life. Your messages, your love, are the
biggest treasure I have ever received.
Alia, I don't think you are a
needy person. You prove that to me in Missoula
What i tried to say the other
night, is that I feel sad to see you were worried. I wish you would not worry
and enjoy the moment. I tried to help you forget your worries and remember what
makes you happy: the most simple things. I take the blame for your worries. If
I could write you some more, probably you would not worry that much.
Please do not think you have
lost my respect with your messages; it is rather the opposite. I wish you were
not doing drugs, the same way you tell me to bike safely. I cherish your brain
more than anything and fear you may harm it in the long run. However, precisely
because I know how intelligent you are, I have absolute trust in your good
judgment. As a matter of fact, you made it clear that, in the end, we both
agree on this subject. It then does not seem to me it would help to explain you
what you already know. If you already know what you need to know, I just hope
one day you will do what you know is best for you.
I don't mind your big plans
either. I know that when the comes, we will sit down, talk and find some way to
fit everything together. I certainly believe you should be able to enjoy your
life with me and have an exciting career. Again, I am sure we will be able to
figure it out.
Alia, I love you, you are the
best that ever happened in my life. I will always be on your side. I am so
happy to be with you,
Javier
On Tue, Apr 6, 2010 at 7:35 AM ,
Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu> wrote:
...
[Message clipped] View entire message
Floren, Alia
<alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>
to me
I love you Javier, I wish I
had time to write you, but my days are really packed right now. Reading your messages gets me through the day
right now. Knowing that you love me is
keeping me afloat. Don't worry about not
calling, I figured you were busy. As
long as I know you are alright, it doesn't matter. As long as you are safe.
I have barely studied for
that exam tomorrow and am freaking out.
I love you. Keep safe.
From: Javier
[jbscheuber@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April
07, 2010 12:18 AM
To: alia.floren@umontana.edu;
javier@usc.edu
Javier <jbscheuber@gmail.com>
Fri, Apr 9, 2010, 7:26 PM
to Alia
I truly like your last photo
album. This may not come to a surprise to you, but probably you do not expect
me to say that the pictures are not really what I like the most about the
album. The pictures are certainly beautiful, but what I love the most is the
title: "The Best Days Ever". Alia, I am not sure you realize how much
it means to me, it means so much to you. Alia, I am not sure you realize how
happy and proud I am that it means so much to you; that I seem to be able to
make the most wonderful girl in the planet so happy. Over the last few weeks, I
heard you many times say that I make you so happy. There is something about you
that you make it very clear whenever there is something you mean
wholeheartedly: Your eyes shine, your lips become strong and you put your heart
in each and every word. You will look pretty scary, if it is something
negative; but it feels so good when it is something positive, as when you say
how very happy you are. At the end, well... from beginning to end, Alia, the
most beautiful treasure is your love.
Alia, I am also afraid of
ever losing your love.
I think last Thursday was the
first time you heard, I expressed some concern about you. Until then, all what
you have been getting from me was that you were perfect. I think you have been
fearing that moment. Probably you still are, probably you still fear these
moments that should come in the future. I believe I could feel the pain, your
struggle with that thought, as I saw you sitting on the floor, as you were
taking fresh air. That night I had said you seemed angry after hearing my
complaint. Probably it was not anger, but the pain. You said you felt like a
jerk, as if you felt you had screwed up: you had allowed a glimpse of
imperfection.
Nobody should be obliged to
be perfect.
Alia it is not fair that
anybody - not even yourself - imposes you the obligation to be perfect. Alia,
it also seems to me you are putting too much on your plate. You may actually be
more perfectionist than we thought.
Alia, I already told you how
amazing I think you are. I may have been fooled by some premature, naive
impression. You may fear the day I wake up of my naivety to discover the ugly -
or just imperfect - truth.
I have done quite some
thinking though. You have blown out my mind Alia. Over the last month I have
been going to bed thinking how truly amazing that girl was. After a while,
sleep would defeat me and I would get some rest. Few hours later, I would wake
up and, then, nothing would stop me from thinking how amazing you are, not even
my own desire to get some decent amount of sleep.
But I don't need you to be
perfect anyhow.
Alia you should not be afraid
- I don't know to what extent you are, or if you are at all - of the day I
discover you are not perfect -. Obviously you are not too scared, if you
decided to break up with Trask. Certainly it is not any kind of fear you could
not handle; you are a very strong woman anyhow. But I am also very strong, and
I can take everything. Same as you, I am also very intelligent, and I also
understand. And I am going to make this happen, regardless whether you are
perfect or not. And, as a matter of fact, I know I will get a lot of help from
you. I think I would be able to get it to work just by myself; as imperfect as
you may be. Alia, I am good enough. I would bet you would also be able to make
it happen just by yourself; I bet Alia you are good enough. You may say that is
my foolish and naive premature impression; I would bet you are wrong. Now
imagine what we can accomplish if we work together. Alia, together we will make
true the best dream ever lived.
Yes, I also get scared at
times. My fears - if I understood that correctly - seem to be very similar to
yours. My fears question I am good enough for you. My fears ask me if I will be
able to make you happy. My fears, however, never expressed any concern you may
not be as good as I believe. That is my job, not yours: accept whatever
deficiencies you may have. I know I can do that one; I am good as far as that.
Alia, I want you just the way
you are, please don't try to change it.
You may think you know
yourself better than me, but that still doesn't give you the right to take away
from me the decision of what and who I want in my life. I am not going to allow
anybody to decide for me what I want in my life, who is good for me. As well as
you know yourself, you do not know me as well as I do. Alia, nobody has ever
believed in me as much as you do. That is a fact, as much as a surprise it may
come to you. You may consider obvious to believe in me; clearly, that has not
been the case for anybody else. Alia, that is as good as you are: what nobody
else is even able to start getting a clue at all, is just so plain obvious to
you. That is as much credit as you deserve. Alia, I know what I want, I know
what I need, I know who is good for me and I want you!
Alia, trust me, please, don't
give up on me.
I find it interesting you
expressed your wish you could speak just about anything to me; that is exactly
what I said to you that famous night you chose to voice, for the first time,
some concern about me. I told you I sometimes can't avoid to feel hurt by
somebody - the same way you felt hurt that night, by what I have said about the
right way of washing dishes -. I try not to care about what people say, but
what they think. I am willing to accept anything they say, as long as I
perceive there is some good intention behind it. I really want everybody to
feel comfortable with me. I really want them to trust me and open their hearts
to me. I don't want them to keep anything from me, thinking they might hurt my
feelings if they are sincere. As long as I can see a good intention, I will
swallow my feelings. I will not complain and risk loosing their sincerity by
doing so. You asked me if you had lost some of my sincerity and I told you
'No'.
Alia, I really hope I did not
lose your sincerity last Thursday.
To be continued ...
...
...
...
[Message clipped] View entire message
Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>
to me
It's too bad the employees of
the National Parks are so incompetent, otherwise you could have known which the
Floren house is. It's back by the hotel
by the lake. I love you, be safe.
From: Javier
[jbscheuber@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, April 09,
2010 7:26 PM
Javier
<javier@alumni.usc.edu>
Attachments
to alia.floren, javier
Those pictures of last
weekend in Glacier are really beautiful, but nothing compares to this picture
attached. This picture is the most beautiful my cameras have ever seen and,
trust me, they have been through some truly amazing stuff!
Alia, I miss you. I keep
thinking of you all the time. Just thinking of you makes me so happy.
I love you,
Javier
...
[Message clipped] View entire message
Attachments area
Floren, Alia
<alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>
to Javier
I look at that photo all of
the time. In fact, it's the one in my
pocket.
I love you, I love you, I
love you. Damn! Typing that three times didn't make you
appear in a cloud of smoke like I thought it would.
From: jbscheuber@gmail.com
[jbscheuber@gmail.com] on behalf of Javier [javier@alumni.usc.edu]
Sent: Tuesday, April
13, 2010 4:15 PM
To: alia.floren@umontana.edu;
javier
Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>
to Javier
Hey there sexy man,
Sorry I missed your call last night. Yesterday was long and tiring, and I guess I
fell asleep pretty fast. I'm lucky
enough to have the next two days off from school because of the National
Undergraduate Research Conference, so maybe I'll actually get something
done. It's going to be a busy weekend
because of all the shit I have to do. I
have an exam next week, shit! It's just
for mensuration, so I just need to make sure I understand all the
equations. I did that in one night last
time we had an exam, so shouldn't be too hard.
I have to fucking rewrite a quiz for plant physiology, none of us did
very well. At least she's letting us
gain some extra points.
I've been struggling with this Forest
Vegetation Simulation program. Last
night I struggled to create the three files I needed for two hours. What a bitch.
That program is NOT user friendly.
But, then again, it is a free government program, so what else could I
expect.
Things are starting to look cleared out
over here. Trask is finally wrapping up
his packing. The thing is, NONE OF IT
HAS ACTUALLY LEFT THE HOUSE! It's all in
the garage. So, while I feel better that
the house is finally becoming less cluttered, I know that if I went out to the
garage, I would cry from how much shit is still there.
Today for Harvesting and Roads field lab,
we're going to see a "very good example of a very poorly constructed
road." Should be interesting,
though again, it's just a road. Not like
we all haven't seen very poor roads before.
Growing up here in Montana Montana
Most of my family members are blue-collar
workers. My grandpa worked in a pulp
mill for his whole life. Now he can't
even smell or taste because of the rancid smelling environment he worked in for
so long. When I was a child, and my
grandpa would come home from work, we would all avoid him until he had a shower
and changed his clothes. The pulp mill
smells that bad.
I hope the pie crust came out all right for
you. It took me a while to get the
process down, and I wouldn't be surprised if you ran into some
difficulties. If you made a perfect pie
crust the first time, well, you are a fucking genius! But, I already knew that.
I love you so much
Javier. I dreamed of you all night.
From: jbscheuber@gmail.com
[jbscheuber@gmail.com] on behalf of Javier [javier@alumni.usc.edu]
Sent: Tuesday, April
13, 2010 4:15 PM
To: alia.floren@umontana.edu;
javier
---------- Forwarded message
---------
From: Floren, Alia
<alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>
Date: Mon, Sep 20, 2010 at 10:10 PM
Subject:
To: jbscheuber@gmail.com
<jbscheuber@gmail.com>
I wish I could just talk to
you for an extended period.
We have barely spoken, and
our most recent words were not the most satisfying. It's incredibly frustrating to have so much
dumped on me at such a late hour. With
just a day left before I leave, you are now informing me of things I need to
do. It is not that they are terribly
difficult to accomplish, but it was not my intention to go running around on my
last day home. I will do what you have
asked me to do, but I wish you had said something about the glue earlier on. It would have been less stressful for me.
This is not really the issue
though.
When you tell me that I will
not have the time to do any writing, I feel a great shame. I feel shame because, if you are correct, I
am once again abandoning my responsibilities.
I want to finish my writing. I
want it to be done so I never have to think about it again.
I take great pride in my
work, especially for the arboretum. I
have already fallen far behind in working on these website descriptions, and I
do not want them to fall further.
My vision of what our trip is
going to be like is being shattered.
Everyone keeps talking about the turmoil and violence that is going on
down there. You have just told me a
story that is frightening, though lucky.
I am leaving my home, my friends, my family, and stepping into a
completely unknown future. I am so
scared Javier.
It does not make it easier to
be repeatedly reminded that bringing a computer is not a good idea. I acknowledge what you are saying, and know
you are correct, because I have thought the same things. Your assertion that I leave it behind
shatters my vision even more.
Are you going to keep your
wife safe? Sometimes, I wonder.
Are you going to take her on
a trip that will give her too much stress?
I know there will be some, but I don't need to be sleeping on the street,
worrying for my life.
A lot of it depends on how
you decide to guide us. I have a voice
too, but you are much smarter than I when it comes to things like this.
In the end, you always
convince me that your way is the best.
But, I want to finish my writing.
If you are so insistent, then
whatever, I will use your computer. But,
I want to write.
You can tell me anything you
want to convince me to leave my computer.
I am giving in.
But, you can not tell me to
give up the last responsibility I have.
I want to write. I want to
accomplish my goal.
I concede completely when I
say - bringing my computer is a bad idea, and I will leave it behind.
But, I will find time to
write.
You have a lot of power over
me, and can make me do anything. Please
don't shatter my vision of finishing my writing. Please don't convince me to let down a lot of
people, including myself.
Just open up some memory for
my document on your computer, then I will just bring it on a flash drive.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
I hope you never forget the
times I have given up the fight, and just listened to you.
Sometimes, you are completely
right, and it is a good thing I listen to you.
Other times, you are right,
but only partially. You make good
points, but there are good reasons for the opposite. I have also agreed with you at these times,
even when I still didn't totally agree.
I have agreed because the
consequences of agreeing were not so bad.
While I could have fought, and achieved things that would have had
benefits as well, it is easier to be rid of the tension, and just choose the
other side.
It is easier to leave what I
was fighting for, and be okay with the alternative.
I hope you can do this too,
if you haven't already.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
I am having a very difficult
time right now. I am leaving my home,
and I have no idea what is in store for me.
Javier, you have gained a
wife, but not much else has changed for you.
You are living how you have been, minus a bike.
I have had my whole life
tipped upside-down, and it is finally hitting me. The last few months, I have been overjoyed by
the prospect of our life together. Gitty
thinking about what is in our future.
Now, I've had to postpone
dreams, and I have no idea what I am getting into. I am leaving all of my belongings, my friends
and family, and a developing career. I
am still happy about what is to come, but now I have a clearer view of how
serious it is.
I feel like this portion of
my letter should be concluded with some statement of me wanting a divorce. The way the last few lines have progressed it
seems only natural. But, that would be
the dumbest thing I could ever do, because you are the best thing that has ever
happened to me.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
I have been very bad the last
couple of weeks. The proximity of my leave
has been driving me crazy, and I've done some things you wouldn't be proud
of.
I have had nightmares the
last few nights. Last night was
particularly horrible. I was in some
sort of house, and I woke up, and there was this 'man' in my bed. It was not really a man, it was some sort of
demon, and I rushed from the bed into the kitchen, slamming the door behind
me. There was another girl in the
kitchen with me, and we were both trying to defeat this demon. The only way to accomplish this was to turn
on the light, but it would turn it off the moment we flicked the switch. I awoke in the middle of this dream, at a
moment where I had been locked in the room with the creature, and was scared
stiff lying in bed in the dark.
Wondering if the creature was there.
A while later, I fell back
asleep, and came into another dream. I
was walking downtown - I'll have to explain later that I have constructed a
dream world over the last decade, and the downtown I speak of is only marginally
like Missoula
But, don't worry, these
dreams are not some sort of signal of guilt because I cheated on you. Well, because I didn't, I could never do
that. I did cheat on Trask though - with
one person you know pretty well - and I have this deep fear that someday, for
some reason, I will betray you. I never
want that to happen.
So, here's a list of all my
shames over the last couple weeks.
1) I have eaten the
crappiest, most prepackaged food I have had in years
2) I have drank more alcohol
than is healthy, and have fallen into a deep depression from it
3) I took a bunch of
psychedelic mushrooms, and hung out in a hotel bathroom for hours
4) I smoked some tobacco, and
justified it to myself because, "I am leaving."
In the end, the only things I
really feel bad about are number 1 and 2, because I am most likely never going
to do 3 again in my life, and I do feel justified in number 4. Besides, number 3 was a great bonding
experience for Rob and I before I leave.
We needed that.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Javier, I know that you have
the deepest concern for me, and you want me to be free from harm. But, I have been so stressed about what you
will think of my packing, that I just don't know what to bring anymore. I almost feel like dumping everything out and
just bringing the camping gear.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
The moment we hung up
earlier, I cried.
I don't want this stress
anymore.
I don't want any business
talk for a while.
I just want to be the woman
you love.
Being cared for and caring
back.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
I wish I could talk with
you. I'm sorry that I wasted so many
minutes of our time earlier, but I needed to cool off. I also needed this time to think. I hope you can call, though I worry this will
not be the case.
Javier, you are the most
important person in my life, and I know that when we are back together,
everything will be fine. I am very
excited for the next few months, but remember what I have left behind, and
allow me to write.
I have given things up. I will give things up.
Please don't convince me to
give up my writing though. If I don't
finish it, that's my fault, but at least let me try.
Please show me that you still
see how important my work is to me.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
I love you with all my heart
and soul.
Alia
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