System Ideologies and the emergence of consciousness and civilization

System Ideologies and the emergence of consciousness and civilization: What processes lead to the emergence of the voice representative of our experience of being alive? Since the dawn of Civilization, our leaders have marveled at that miraculous moment in human evolution, where some spark ignited the human intellect in all its glory, waking it up from its long-kept dormant state, and leading it to the discovery and conquest of the world. For hundreds of thousands of years, our ancestors had been wandering around the face of the planet without much purpose or objective; but now that our mind's full potential had been finally unleashed, we were ready to start sowing crops, domesticate animals, build all sorts of crafts and, at last, the prodigious invention of writing and civilization. Philosophers of all times have then wondered how was that truly unique magic moment, what sparked the phenomenal ignition of the human brain 15,000 - 20,000 years ago, separating us from all other animals and leading us to create states and become civilized. However, if we carefully examine the human brain and compare it with any other primate's brain, there is really very little difference, other than the human brain's asymmetries. In fact, there is no evidence to suggest that there is anything specifically in the human brain that predestines the development of states and civilization. Rather, the rise of the state is the result of a slow organic process, whereby the different ingredients - which make up a state - emerge, develop and interact with each other. Scholars will generally recognize the existence of a state whenever a series of elements are found: namely, large, densely-populated urban centers, settlement hierarchies, economic specialization, monumental buildings, social hierarchies and - the jewel in the crown - writing. While some of these factors will often serve as precursors for others, in some other cases they may conflict against each other. For example, a large concentration of people in a given place will naturally lead to economic specialization and the association of smaller surrounding towns and villages to form a settlement hierarchy. Similarly, an hierarchical social structure is likely to produce monumental buildings. On the other hand, as counterintuitive as it may be, large concentrations of people do not blend well with social hierarchies. This conflict is an important caveat, since it is these two factors - large concentration of people and social hierarchy - which make up the essential driving forces leading to the rise of the state and civilization. Regardless of what is the correct criteria which should be used to confer the titles of state and civilization, the crucial consideration to take away is that those communities exhibiting a rich economic specialization will enjoy a competitive edge. The relevance of this observation resides in the fact that competition will serve as the fundamental catalyzer for the processes responsible for the rise of the state. Every community requires certain food and material resources for its survival. Since these needs are widely shared across communities, as soon as they come in contact one with another, unavoidably some competition for the available resources will start. Naturally, the more efficient a community is, the higher its odds to prevail. Now, while the emergence of a state is doubtful to produce an improvement in a regular person's life, fact of the matter is that the state will make the community more efficient and, therefore, competitive. Since the rise of the state, ruling elites have engrained in us the notion, whereby civilization is humankind's paramount and most marvelous achievement. In this telling, writing is definitely civilization's jewel in the crown and the supreme expression of human intelligence. Yet, it turns out that the first function of writing was for inventory purposes. In the civilized world, it now became important to keep a record of the quantities you own of items such as foreign females; that is, slaves. Yes, as sinister as it sounds, contrary to what we have always been told, civilization is and has always been about one thing and one thing alone: How a few may be able to dominate the rest of the population. Now, as unsettling and chilling as it is, fact of the matter is that a population with a head (i.e. a ruling elite) is far more competitive than a population without it. Consequently, those communities which grow more efficient as a result of the emergence of a ruling elite and the development of a state, will then begin to expand and slowly but surely phagocytize or altogether wipe off those who do not. The human brain was definitely not wired up to one day create a state. As any hollow coconut could tell you, not only were coconots not made to one day venture into the sea, but just a few ever got the urge to do so. In other words, the rise of the state and civilization was never a matter of volition, but that of sheer survival. Contrary to the old-as-time ruling elites' mantra, communities did not came up with all the different prodigious ideas responsible for civilization, because those individuals were smarter or more virtuous; but simply because it became necessary to overhaul and revamp the community's social structure, in order to survive. In fact, there is every reason to believe, that these innovations were not the product of any conscious decision; but the natural upshot of the interaction with competing communities. Indeed, all the evidence points to the conclusion, that the series of ingredients which any community will need to meet civilization, actually popped out or were invented in different places at different times, by different people. Necessity, information exchange and competition then served as fertilizers and catalyzers causing the eventual coalescence of all the ingredients in one specific place. Indeed, there is a reason why the first states and civilizations appear in regions of extraordinary fertility, surrounded by vast swaths of unbearingly inhospitable terrain. The competition to occupy the Garden of Eden is going to be fierce, and accelerate all developments. Undoubtedly, any community hoping to survive the competition for the garden of Eden, should expect to be constantly challenged by invading hordes. Still, the community will be able to optimize its efficiency and strength, by developing a full-blown economic specialization, including, for instance: food production, religious, political and administrative functions, craft production and military duties. Now, while all specializations bear their merits in their own right, of crucial importance is the coexistence of a strong food-production force and a well-defined social hierarchy. Yes, in basic terms, a community will be more powerful, if it possesses a large population and a streamlined command structure. However, while most economic specializations will generally emerge naturally from any large concentration of people, the prospects of a community to optimize its efficiency are going to be continuously clogged by the repellency of any population to the rise of an elite ambitioning to dominate it. As counter'intuitive as it may seem, wile large, densely-populated nuclei will clearly benefit the most of a social hierarchy exercising administrative, political and control functions; it is rather unlikely that the population will want to come to terms with and seek this advancement. Needless to say, nobody likes to be bossed around or be told what to do. Hence, if you are doing fine and have some food on your table each and every day, why would you want to complicate your life the tiniest bit? In the early days of the first multi-cellular organisms, regular cells must have also felt mightly irritated by the electrical signals and various other pokes produced by the first nervous cells of the most primitive brains. Yet, no reasonable mind could honestly argue, that the development of a brain did not represent a mighty competitive advantage for those multi-celular organisms. In contrast, it was far easier for a strong leadership to establish itself in small communities, where everybody new each other and there was little doubt who was the strongest, the most insightful and overall the best suited to lead the group. Should there ever had been any doubt, they sure as heck had found an opportunity to duke it out. Hopefully, the strongest would be smart enough and seek advise from the sharpest. They would then establish a marriage alliance to seal their deal. Once a chief of the village had been recognized, he became the group's new Alpha Male and everybody would unquestionably follow him wherever he went, whatever he said. However, these small communities were such, because the kind of bleak and forbidding landscapes where they would normally live and roam around did not allow for intensive food production sufficient to support larger populations. Luckily, necessity is the best fertilizer to sharpening up anybody's ingenuity, and these nomadic or semi-nomadic tribes are going to develop their own strategies, technologies and techniques to be able to overcome the stark limitations imposed by their environment and the meager wealth it allows to extract from their herds and trade based economy. Writing will be invented in the cities; but these nomads are going to figure out horseback riding, the wheel, the wagon and will excel at warfare. The Greeks of the Classic period also distained and turned up their noses at those uncivilized Barbarians, who were so stupid that they did not even know how to speak, but were only able to babble some meaningless sounds. That was until the so very intelligent and civilized Classic Greeks started to fight each other, continued killing each other, until their inferior Barbarian underlings came to take up the pieces and ended up dominating and enslaving them. A similar story is to be told about the Romans and pretty much every empire in History. Clearly, our masters are so stupid that they will never learn. As a person born with a severe disability I can very much relate how the brain does not house any kind of well of absolute intelligence, which can be interchangeably apply to any endeavor. Rather, you just become good at those task you devote yourself to and keep persevering on. Then, if your subsistence depends on your ability to overcome a given difficulty or hardship, you will be sure to figure it out, whatever it takes. If the Barbarians needed to fight in order to survive; they would eventually do so and become really good at it. As any hollow coconut could tell you, not every coconut tried to venture into the sea; but, luckily for him, his grandfather did. If the rich farming settlement down in the fertile river valley was still small enough; the Barbarian village's chief could eventually consider leading his tribesmen to take it over for themselves. Alternatively, some ambitious - perhaps somewhat psychopathic - young man may get it into his head to cajole his buddies, have them all get on their horses and seek fortune and glory, pillaging and plundering wealthy farming villages, burning houses, killing men and raping women along their way. Perhaps, if he comes out successful, he may soon become the chief of his own tribe and think on taking on larger farming towns. Who knows?, the nomadic warriors may eventually want to put down some roots. Perhaps, he or one of his descendents - perhaps, the son of one of the women he raped - will eventually rule the town. The town dwellers did not want to be bossed around; but now they have no choice anymore and will have to suck it all up from here on. Moreover, agonisingly enough, they may now have to adopt their new rulers' language. Regardless of whether the farming town acquired its leadership and military prowess when it was still small and docile, or only after it had already grown up and had seen the Barbarian warriors moved in, dominance over the entire population will still need to be institutionalized somehow, so that it can be replicated over successive generations. For this purpose religions will often play a helpful role. The old leader and town's Alpha Male may have been strong, terrifying or just charismatic, and, on the whole, we all ended up loving him; but why the heck are we going to simply accept that his son is quite the same? Actually, the old Alpha-Male father will be deify after his death, and the new son of God will assert, that we all ought to obey him or else... In any event, much to the regret of our cute, little, peceful farming community next to the river, it is very unlikely that any strong, charismatic Alpha Male leader will ever rise under any kind of heavenly beautiful conditions. Much to the regret of our peaceful community, sooner or later, it will have to endure some shock-and-awe traumatizing experience to be beaten into submission. Furthermore, this was only the first of many invasions. Our beautiful town by the river is so sexy, that it is bound to change hands many times from here on, and each of them it is certainly going to be absolutely horrible. The fierce warriors have naturally got entangled with the trappings of power, fallen accustomed to the fine and comfortable city life, and - in summation - rested on their laurels. If necessity is the best fertilizer for anybody's ingenuity; it is also part of our nature that abundance is the most potent sedative. This is the reason why we can only stay happy for a short while after our last accomplishment, and we soon need to engage in the pursuit of a new endeavor, if we want to avoid slowly slipping into depression. Indeed, Nature figured out very early in Evolution, that there is nothing more unproductive than a happy person. Adding to our sins, the ruling families were soon on each other's throats and consumed themselves - and the entire town along the process - in their infighting over power. All the while, invaders have kept come calling to our beautiful town by the river. Therefore, all what is left to see is which will be the last straw to break the camel's back. Obviously, the stronger the force, the higher the odds that it will succeed at bringing the town's defenses down. Yet, as terrible as it is certainly going to be, when the dust settles, the town will wake up stronger from the nightmare and will be a step further towards civilization. The town dwellers will learn from the new invaders, as the new invaders will learn from the town dwellers, and the end result of this information exchange will be a socially, technologically and economically more advanced community. Competition is indeed the most effective catalyzer for advancement. Civilization so emerges as an elite of a few or one extended family rises to power over everybody else in the society. At last the society got a brain to command and coordinate the whole: From here on out, the ruling elite will determine the course of action and everybody else will obey and row in the same direction. While it is questionable whether the lives of the individual members of the collectivity will improve, Evolution shows that the community as a whole will most definitely become stronger and fitter as a governing entity establishes some law and order. Anybody is certainly free to think that life outside civilization is more enjoyable, but it will be a matter of time before she will be run over. In the same way that those animal species which developed a brain draw those which did not to the brink of total extinction; those societies where civilization emerged have slowly driven indigenous communities to the brink of extinction. Civilization has therefore become a matter of survival: submit to civilization or disappear. Of course, the choice has never been presented to us in such a stark manner. Neither does anybody ever think in such dramatic terms. Rather, we just ponder what will serve our wishes and interests best. After all, as social animals, we are all conditioned to follow the collectivity and work with other members. Yet, life under civilization is not quite the same as life in community. In fact, civilization is a whole new ballgame. Certainly, little did we know what was all in store for us: we have to get up early in the morning to go to work, we have to pay taxes, we are constantly told what to do and what we cannot do. Yes, we definitely lost our freedom; but, on the other hand, civilization gave as a strong sense of security. Nevertheless, let us not allow them to fool us, we never really had a reasonable choice; but, from the moment we are born we are indoctrinated into the belief that life under civilization is best. This is the crucial role of any system ideology: do not ask what is that the collectivity can do for you, but what you can do for the collectivity Indeed, More likely than not, the elite's rise to power required some violence, but violence is clearly not a good long term approach to maintain the new system's order alive. In order to keep the populace's adherence, following, loyalty and submission, it is essential that they believe. Everybody, at a minimum, should believe that it is better to be with the system than against the system. As Confucius had thought, the common people is supposed to be obedient, dutiful and industrious. The trick is inducing them to be that way of their own accord, using the example of virtue and proper behavior from above, to instill shame in those who did not act properly. This is where a system ideology will come in handy: yes, the ideology is going to slowly kill us with its song. Scholars in Human studies use the term 'system ideology' to refer to The framework of beliefs, values, rules, practices and ideas in general that the head of the society imposes on all the individuals of the collectivity, (arguably) in order to ensure the proper functioning of the whole. As the first territorial state in Human history, Ancient Egypt constitutes an excellent example of system ideology. There is a good case to be made, that it is in fact its ideology what makes the rise of the state possible. In the words of Encyclopedia Britanica: As a divine ruler, the Pharaoh was the preserver of the God-given order. He owned a large portion of the land and directed its use, was responsible for the people's economic and spiritual welfare, and dispense justice to his subjects. His will was supreme and he govern by royal decree. In practical terms, as the example of the Pharaoh's Ancient Egypt illustrates, the system ideology will in general impose an account of what and how is the world around us, who we are, where do we come from, how things work, how to stay well, and how to prosper; all in all, how to lead a happy life. Now, from the citizen's side, the system's ideology is received as the accumulated wisdom of the most learned and insightful among us, which is meant to help understand the world around us. We so learn how things work, what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad, what is that the individual member must do, if he or she wants to be respected, appreciated and loved by the others. This is so much so that, under civilization, the transition from childhood to adulthood is no longer determined by the time the individual becomes sexually mature, but by when he or she has absorbed the bulk of the system's ideology; in other words, what is the role and set of functions he or she has to carry out as part and member of the civilized society. The system's ideology therefore becomes the DNA of the new polity: it sets the course the stream is going to flow, and everybody follows suit. Today's scholars in Human studies love to speak about human agency, but it is incredibly difficult to swim against the current. . If the prevailing Public Opinion's current of thought demanded the nation resorted on the atomic bomb to once and for all finish off Imperial Japan, did truman really ever had a choice? Undoubtedly, Colonel Paul Tibbets, the pilot who actually dropped the bomb, most definitely did not. If he had ever refused, clearly somebody else had done it instead. Judge Aaron Persky, for example foolishly thought the final judgement on the Chanel Miller v. Brock Turner (alleged) sexual assault case laid down on him, and did not get, that our system's fake-feminist ideology would not accept anything less than having Brock Turner burned at the stakes. Hence he became the first judge to be recalled. There was clearly a reason why nobody ever said a word nor rised a finger when some other more docile court gave another young woman an order of protection against her blind husband. Certainly, no human being in his or her right mind would issue an order of protection against a blind person; but we forget, that the System is no human being. Indeed, terrifyingly enough, the bloodcrudling thought rising from all this reasoning is that, while human beings are known to feel love and allow their emotions to participate in their decision making processes, system ideologies do not. Evidently, system ideologies are coldblooded, heartless 'animals' and do not entertain any feeling, as they push for the most abominable, heinous and monstrous policies and actions. Definitely, at some point it starts feeling as the system ideology has acquired life of its own. Yes, little by little, we are indoctrinated into stopping focusing on ourselves, and starting thinking instead on the collectivity. As single uncivilized individuals living in Nature, it seems sensible to see procreation as the ultimate aim in life. While men seek to conquer some woman who is willing to give him some descendents; women try to identify the man, who will be better able to help her raising her children. However, as we become a society, the standing of the whole in the environment acquires more and more relevance. We can already see in other social animal species (like, for example, in bees), how it is of benefit to the community to have members, who are not procreation-minded, but are instead focused on other functions. It is so of no surprise, how Ancient Greece's intellectuals elaborated on how homosexuals would make for the best soldiers: clearly, he will be ready to give his life for his lover, if that is what it ought to be. Clearly, our union is what makes us stronger. If a human being faces off a wild beast such as a lion, it is unclear what way the confrontation is going to go. However, if a big community of humans is matched against an equally-sized group of lions, there is little doubt that humans are going to come out on top. Indeed, humans' strength is our ability to work together. Now, love is what brings us together: we work together because we love and care for each other. Yet, admittedly, love may not always be enough to defeat a big pack of fierce lions; but eventually we may need civilization to ensure victory and undisputed supremacy. Fact of the matter is a community of human beings will rise to unprecedented and unparalleled levels of power, if its members are coordinated and follow a chain of command. In other words, our ascendency does not result from our superior intellect, but because we become coordinated and organized. For instance, if a battalion of soldiers constitutes a more effective fighting force than a band of fierce, uncivilized warriors; it is not because the soldiers are individually smarter than the barbarian warriors, but because soldiers, as civilized individuals, follow a chain of command and therefore fight as one man. It certainly should not take a rocket scientist to comprehend, that it will be best for everybody, if we all strive to advance the whole; but the system's ideology is nevertheless going to make sure, that the point is not lost on anybody. As Confucius had explained, virtue comes from above and those who do not behave properly should feel ashamed. It is then only smart to indoctrinate the people to identify 'the good' with all what advances the fitness of the whole, whereas 'the bad' is anything that is otherwise detrimental. to the whole. It stands to reason that for any ideology to survive, it will need to define as good people those individuals, who act always with the collectivity's welfare in mind, whereas the bad people are those, who act in complete disregard for the whole and only care about themselves. Yet, as sound as the principle certainly is, it all is clearly much easier said than done. Let us be honest, as much as our ethical framework will never allow us to openly admit it, nobody is genuinely focused on the welfare of the society at large, but we are rather more concerned looking after ourselves. Yes, we will fight and die for our community or religiously pay our taxes; but that is only because we really do not see any other option and, oh well, at the end of the day, we all do get the point and believe, that we will benefit and it will pay us off if all goes well for the whole. Still, remarkably, just like everything else, with the passing of time system ideologies have also been refined, become more and more subtler and effective, and found ways to have us all enthusiastically support the system. As modern system ideologies have grown more and more insidious and pervasive with the passing of time, and the System has acquired a tighter grip on our minds and lives, bafflingly enough, the immense majority of the population has become more and more convince, that we have reached "Freedom" and we are only getting freer by the day. As a matter of fact, on Election Day - despite all the contempt we feel for all politicians -, we all go vote, and, as much as it can still be argued, that we cast our vote with our very own selfish interests front and center, at the end of the day, for all what matters to the System and the ideology it grows from, it serves the purpose. In a way we can see system ideologies as living beings that - in a fashion similar to DNA or (benign or malign) computer viruses - set up shop in the minds of the members of a community and govern (positively or negatively) the members' individual behaviors and therefore the community's functioning as a whole: as long as we follow the ideology's directions, the System stays alive and continues running. At a minimum, we do reach the conclusion that it is better to be with the System than against the System. At a minimum, we accept to be part of and belong to the whole. Conversely, you may wholeheartedly embrace the System's ideological framework and are fully committed to its strengthening and perpetuation. Either way, we all have a sense that we are part of the whole and are willing to work for it. As a matter of fact, it will not be long before we all reach a good understanding, that we are all together in this, we start feeling as one, we belong to the whole and it is only smart to realize, that, if we stay united and work together for the well-being of the whole, it will eventually revert back in our own particular benefit and well-being. Needless to say, but still key to note, the stronger our belief, the steadfaster our adherence to the ideology, the more unconditional, unflinching and relentless our devotion and commitment to the whole, and, most crucially, the stronger and fitter - at least in the short term - the polity will be. Importantly, like any species' DNA, to the extent that immortality and perpetuity is always the ultimate objective, ideologies compete against each other and do so according to Nature's survival-of-the-fittest rule. Consequently, if we are able to correctly reason what makes a society more competitive, then we would be able to understand how ideologies evolve to produce that kind of successful societies. Clearly, those societies which are not competitive will disappear; those others which are competitive in the short term, but stagnate in the long run, will first shoot up and subsequently collapse; finally, those societies which follow slower dynamics and take a longer time to thrive, will first need to survive the domination of the faster-dynamics societies, before they can break out in all their splendour. As a matter of fact, given the parallelism between system ideologies and animal species' DNAs, it is possible to find some very good insight of what makes in Nature for an optimal organization of a large population of units. Indeed, fascinatingly, we can use the same concepts and mechanisms, which explain the rise of Civilization, to likewise visualize and understand how does Consciousness emerge: Consciousness emerges when the joint activity and cooperation of a population of units give rise to a consistent sequence of actions and behaviors firmly aimed at the advancement of the standing of the whole in the world. Indeed, the basic purpose of our thoughts is to establish the foundations and elaborate the plans and strategies to advance our fitness and position in the environment, and it is the joint activity and cooperation of the neurons in our brains what produce the coherent sequence of actions and behaviors which make up said plans and strategies. As our neurons start coming up with intermediate milestones to accomplish our ultimate goal, as well as the plans necessary to achieve said milestones, the first thoughts emerge in our minds on what are our needs and desires, as well as what plans should we follow to, respectively, satisfy and achieve them. As Descartes stated, the moment we start thinking on our needs and desires , as well as what is what we should do in order to fulfill them, becomes the moment where we become aware of their existence; that is, the moment we become aware of our very own existence. Indeed, at some point it starts feeling as our train of thoughts have acquired life of its own. Neurons in the inferior temporal cortex (IT) develop selectivity for certain complex visual patterns such as facial features: whenever the preferred visual stimulus falls into the neuron's 'receptive field' (field of view), it will cause the cell to elicit a burst of action potentials. On the other hand, neurons in the Lateral Intra-Parietal sulcus (LIP) have been observed to be specialized in the coding of locations in the environment in eye-centered coordinates. Unlike their counterparts in IT, LIP neurons' bursts of activity may serve sensorial and or motor functions: namely, they may code the location of a stimulus in the environment and or the target location for a saccade (abrupt eye movement between fixations). In the latter case, the excited firing rates of LIP neurons pointing at different target locations should be seen as competing against each other; so that whichever stimulus draws most activity and gathers most support wins the competition, and will become the next pattern we look at. Importantly, this competition can be biased and directed based on "our wishes". Indeed, those LIP neurons pointing at some specific "sought-after stimulus" will received enhanced support from neurons in the visual cortex responsive for said "sought-after stimulus". Now, while LIP neurons code locations in eye-centered coordinates, in other areas of the parietal cortex other reference systems are employed. Obviously, trunk-centered and hand-centered coordinates are better suited for grasping and other hand actions. In addition, head-centered coordinates are very useful to transform between different reference frames, like, for example, when reaching for a visual target, or in many other visual-motor coordination tasks. To make a very long story short, exactly as in a complex society, we find in the brain countless 'populations' of neurons specialized at a plethora of different tasks. The magic spark then ignites when one of these populations of neurons (most likely in the prefrontal cortex) connects the dots and sets all other cells to work together! For instance, whenever we need to find a certain visual stimulus in the environment, these prefrontal cortex neurons issue a command to retrieve from memory a visual representation of the sought-after stimulus. This mental representation is then projected into the visual cortex, most likely through the inferior-temporal cortex. In fact, experimental evidence suggests, that neurons in the visual cortex responsive for those features, which make up the sought-after stimulus, will receive this kind of top-down / feedback, enhance activity. Consequently, if the stimulus turns out to be present in the visual field, those visual cortex units selective for its visual features and those LIP units selective for its eye-centered position will fire more strongly. In other words, the sought-after stimulus will win the competition for attention, as the LIP units coding its location impose the target for the next saccade. Hence, next thing we know is that the sought-after stimulus is right before our eyes, and our wish has been fulfilled. Clearly, as long as the different parts work together, the whole stays alive. Consequently, the feeling of being alive corresponds to the activity of those units coordinating - at the highest level - all the other units in the organization. The beautiful music of life goes on playing, as long as the conductor of the orchestra maintains the synchrony. Interestingly, when it comes to our consciousness, we get this view from the top down; whereas, when it comes to our nation, we get the view from the bottom up. Indeed, our thoughts reflect what we need and desire, as well as how we should act to fulfill those needs and desires: Where is X? Ah, there it is! Now, let's act upon X to achieve Y. Similarly, if we watch mass-Media, we would see what those at the top of the society think the nation should do, in order to flourish and prosper.

Cry for Help

I am sorry I bother you again. This is a desperate attempt to reach out for help.  Me and Alia, we both really need help. And, given how much you mean for Alia, you would be able to help, better than pretty much anybody else. Bry, Alia did not have a change of heart or is just too young and does not know what she is doing. Something went really wrong with her and she lost all mental balance. Alia is not in good mental health. Please believe me Bry, I was there and saw it happening. In fact, Alia has been diagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Alia was seduced and tricked by some asshole playboy in Cape Town. You are right Alia is young and very immature; also very passionate. Alia could not help to desperately fall in love with that asshole, to the point she decided to give up our marriage for him. Then, she found he was all fake and there was nothing there. Given how fundamental her marriage was for her, I am sure it was really painful for her to realize she had been fooled to give up her marriage and then find herself hanging in emptyness. Yes, it must have been really traumatic. Alia was not able to endure it and broke down. As a matter of fact, Alia said she tried to commit suicide in Cape Town You know well Alia is a delicate person and needs a lot of love. She must have thought, after she had betrayed me, I would never love her again the same way; she concluded her marriage was over. You will remember how depressed and lonely Alia was feeling those first months after she came back from Cape Town in Spring 2016. It is really very sad, because I have always been ready to forgive her. I have always thought I should understand we all may have a minute of stupidity. Unfortunately, Alia has never seen it that way. Instead, I guess in order to find some relief from the pain and remorse she felt inside, she started twisting it all and look for ways to put all the blame on me. That has been the worst part, because, by doing so, Alia has hurt me immensely; to the point that I fell in depression myself and started being bad to my eye, by taking some drops I knew were not in good condition. That has caused me to lose almost all the little eye-sight I used to have. Alia has become evil. The issue with Alia is not a relationship problem; it is a mental health problem.

Last, April, while I was in New York visiting eye-doctors to have surgery with, Alia started contacting me, threatening she would dump all my stuff kept in our old house, if I do not get it out  in 30 days. I finally had my first surgery last September. My mother told her about it, but she never called or expressed any interest to know how I was. Instead, she went to the bank and withdraw all the money I had in my MFCU account. Anyway,  as soon as I found a couple of free weeks between post-op, follow-up appointments, I came to Missoula to find some conclusion with Alia: Both, in terms of possibly filing for divorce and getting my stuff out. However, when I went to the house (because I had no other way to communicate with Alia), she totally freaked out, closed the door before my nose and called police on me, as I was going to kill her. Later she filed for an order of protection, accusing me of some really horrible things that, supposedly, I had done to her all throughout our marriage.

Alia is now saying I brutally physically and psychologically abused her throughout our marriage. She now came up with four incidents where, supposedly, I brutally hit her. In one of them, for example, supposedly I grabbed her head and slamed it against the asphalt. A couple of weeks ago, we went to the hearing for the judge to decide whether to extend the temporary order of protection. I asked Alia why she had not said a word about all that abuse until just now. She answered, back then, she was embarrassed to admit her marriage was not going well. She also explained, "due to all that psychological abuse, all those incidents had been wiped out from her memory. It was only that one year ago she had this flashback, where she remembered this fight in Monaco. The hearing was very disturbing; I would say terrifying. I brought a whole stack of emails and letters showing Alia's story just does not make any sense; but the judge had no interest to look at a single page. Rather, she fully believed Alia's lies and granted the extension of the order of protection. For example, in one of those emails, In Spring 2016, one month after she left me in Cape Town, Alia wrote me admiting she had "played a huge part in starting and exarcerbating the fights" throughout our marriage and she "had been an asshole to me", but if I thought I had not done anything wrong, I would be as wrong as she was and I needed to find something to apologize about. I do not know how anybody who has been brutally abused for the previous six years, could write something like that.  She was not mentioning any abuse I may have put her through during our marriage, as a possible reason to apologize about. It could not be that she was embarrassed at that time her marriage was not going well, since she wrote that after she had already broken up with me. In that email she comments on our fight in Monaco, so the 'memory wipe-out and later flashback' thing does not justify the omission of all abuse as one of the reasons why she had left me. Alia claims her mother witnessed one of the four incidents she listed as examples of my abuse. Clearly Robyn should have been aware of all that abuse since Alia and I lived in the apartment underneath hers. Yet, during our trip through Africa there are these messages where Robyn keeps saying she loves me very much.  I wonder how a mother may be able to love the kind of asshole who she knows had been brutally abusing her only child for so many years. It just does not make any sense. Alia lies are grotesque.

As a matter of fact, you know Alia is clearly not the kind of girl who would take any abuse. Quite the opposite, Alia 'needs' to be in control. It needs to go her way or she will make your day miserable; she would go crazy.

I hope you will agree with me, somebody who lies and makes the false accusations Alia has made against me, must be either an evil asshole or plain sick. I have been with Alia 24/7 for six years and I know she is not evil. She is clearly mentally sick. This is even more obvious considering she had no motivation for her course of actions during these last couple of years, since all what she has done to our marriage and to me has not brought any kind of improvement to her life. Rather the opposite: she gave up being married to a man who loved her, traveling all over the world, having the freedom to choose what to do in life, where on Earth to live and what to work on. Instead now she is back on drugs and alcohol, burried in debt and living with a drug addict, who has no education and has abandoned his three children. Somebody who just cannot offer her any future. When I first met Alia in Spring 2010, she told me how she dreamed with traveling the world, going to graduate school, building a family with many intelligent children with an intelligent father. She has given all that up. She has thrown her life down a cliff.

Alia and I shared the most beautiful times: we traveled across Africa, the Norwegian Fjords, the Swiss Alps, the Greek Islands, Sicily, Mexico, Portugal, Romania... We went to Vienna, Casablanca, Venice, Istanbul, Cancun, Paris, Salzburg, Prague, Marrakesh, Budapest, Amsterdam, New York City, Florence, Dibrovnik, Seville... we saw zebras, giraffes and rhinos in Namibia, the Eiffel Tower, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Sistine Chapel, Chichen Itza, Tikal, Palenque, the Berlin Wall, the Parthenon, the Louvre, the Rome Colisseum, the Alhambra Palace, Cappadocia, Pompey, the Metropolitan Museum, Notre Dame, the Uffizi Museum, the Mosque-Cathedral of Cordoba, etc. etc. etc. All those memories will haunt Alia. Life is very long and sooner or later she will wake up.. One day, sooner or later, she will open up her eyes and her reflection on the mirror will hit her.  Then, the image she will see will be horrifying. Sooner or later her hate against me will ware out and will no longer be strong enough to power her up and get her through the day. One day, sooner or later, she will no longer find her current boyfriend that awesome; among other reasons, because he really isn't. That day Alia will be horrified to remember all what she did, all what she had and all what she kill. That day Alia will be horrified to see her evil image. That day she will be horrified to remember all what she did to her marriage, all what she did to me. That day Alia will feel like dying.

Bry, I am very worried about Alia. She used to have suicidal thoughts all through her teenage years. She said she already tried to take her life in Cape Town. Her biological father commited suicide when she was one and a half years old. She used to say she felt she was cursd and feared she would not outlive her father. Back in 2010, at the same time she was telling me she  wanted to "fucking marry" me right then and there, she would also say she had the deep fear one day she would betray me, "although she did not want that to happen". Well... eventually she did betray me and kill our marriage. For some wierd reason she has always felt a twisted and sick attraction for all those macabrer concepts. Throughout our marriage she told me so many times: "I hate myself!, I hate myself!". I always thought she was being manipulative. Nobody hates herself and Alia is certainly no exception. She is actually very egocentric. She would even say she was a narcisist. But I am ready to believe she would actually feel awful and hate the fact she was using all those macabre concepts to manipulate people. I fear one day she will hate herself too much and feel too awful. The issue here is not a relationship problem; it is a mental health problem.

 I know you all have said I should accept her decision and forget her. but the way I see it is like if she had been abducted by some sect. When I read the emails she wrote me in 2010, I see a girl who was completely lost. Her teenage years had been a total hell. She had been a single child and the first and only grandchild for her entire childhood. She was used to receive so much love from her family during her childhood. She still needed love as a teenager. She needed the whole world to love her. She needed so badly to be popular; but she wasn't. She did everything possible to look cool, including doing drugs,  but she was just one more in a million. When she met me, "she got totally enamoured with me". she found in me the way out of that hell she felt herself in. She needed to marry me right then and there. On our wedding I swore I would love her and take care of her in health and illness, in wealth and poverty, in happiness and sorrow... for the rest of our lives. I meant those words.I was overwhelmed with her love to me. I had never felt something like that. I felt blessed with her love. Unavoidably, I have felt and still feel very angry for all what she has hurt me since Cape Town, but it breaks my heart to see her throw her life down a cliff. Like if she had been abducted by a sect, I just could not abandone her: I swore I never would

Unfortunately, there is now nothing I can do to help her; at least nothing directly. She gets head over heels at the slightest sight of me. Now I am  not even allowed to get 1500 feet near her, call her or email her.

Bry, you are absolutely right Alia is not the kind of person who would welcome the slightest suggestion. In my whole life I have nowhere met anybody who would hate to such an extent to receive the tiniest piece of advice. As you said, she takes that as the most violent attack to her freedom. As a matter of fact, if I ever made the slightest suggestion to her, she would get totally mad at me and scream it was insulting I would question her intelligence. I have always felt her intolerance for any advice was an expression of her obsession for control. Her mother has always allowed and supported her doing everything she felt like, under the assumption Alia is very intelligent, always knows what she is doing and therefore we should always respect her decisions. Then, if anybody ever gave the tiniest piece of advice, as it would be something that she would not know already, it was taken like her intelligence had been questioned. Since she had been given total control because of her intelligence, 
, she saw a threat to such entitlement for control, whenever anybody questioned her intelligence.

In that way, Alia got spoiled by her mother. Alia always got to do whatever she felt like, but she never received any guidance. Alia always got to do whatever she felt like, but then she started doing drugs when she was only 11, and then she dropped out of school when she was 14. Alia had it really difficult, she never received any guidance, she had to figure it all out herself. She then became the main victim of her wrong decisions, for which she was not prepared. That is what I have always criticized about Alia's mother: in my opinion, the strongest sign of love for somebody is when you are ready to do something you believe will help that person, even when you think that is going to play against you. Fortunately, in life, it generally pays off in the long run to do things the right way. With time you grow up, you mature and you realize what your mother did for you. with time you end up learning to appreciate and value that your mother kept you from making a big mistake, or at least tried, even when she had to endure a lot of hell, because you hated she would not support you. For Alia's disfortune, her mother never saw it that way: Robyn's dream was always to become her daughter's best friend. She never cared that much to be her mother. For Robyn the main concern was always the well-being of the relationship between her and her daughter. She, however, never cared that much for the actual well-being of her daughter. She believed, if she would always support Alia, that would strengthen the relationship between her and her daughter, and Alia would grow to trust her into anything. It did not work like that. As a matter of fact, Alia never thought of Robyn looking for any advice before taking any big decision: when Alia marry me, when she took a leave from college and went traveling with me, when she left me, when she went to Alaska... she never asked for Robyn's point of view. Why had she? She already knew Robyn had supported her decision. Eventually, Robyn started complaining Alia would not respect her. She argued, as her mother, Alia should respect her. Those times, I told Alia, in my opinion, respect is something that always has to be earned; it is actually not something that falls from the sky or comes by itself. Even a parent needs to earn such respect by behaving like a parent. Those days I told Alia, I did not think Robyn should not be that surprise she did not have much respect for Robyn, since Robyn had never been too concerned about being a mother, but Alia's best friend. Well... I guess time showed it was not very smart to criticize Robyn, even when it was to comfort Alia. But then again, it is Alia who will end up paying the highest price.

Bry, you are probably Alia's best friend. You mean a lot to her. I can tell you, when Alia left Trask, to start the relationship with me, she felt everybody disowned her. She had all those friends from childhood; even those friends who had been her friends before they also became Trask's friends; all of them turned their back on Alia. All but a couple: you and Ry. It meant a lot for Alia you did not take your friendship away. Bry, you mean a lot to Alia. I do not think you need me to tell you, Alia needs help and there is a lot you can do to help her. Needless to say, there is also a lot you can do to help me, because I also need help. However, I would not want you to think I am putting all the burden on you. It is not like I am expecting you to fix Alia all by yourself. I have contacted and keep contacting several other people. I am being helped by other people. However, your help would certainly be very important.

I think, to some extend, there is a positive edge in the fact that Alia has taken the whole drama a step further, to start accusing me of having abused her: now it may be a bit easier to make her see she is in denial. Before, all what could be argued was that it could not have been that she had a change of heart. But how could anybody argue with her what her actual feelings are? Now it is different. Now she is saying I brutally abused her and that is in contradiction with all what she said, all what she wrote and all what she did before.

I wonder if you are in Missoula. I am in Missoula for a few more days. I need to go back to the East coast as soon as possible to follow up with the eye surgery I had last September. I also need to have a couple of more surgeries, although I may do that in Spain. I would love to talk to you before I leave Missoula, so I could explain everything a bit better and tell you the different ways I believe you can help.

I hope you would want to help. Thank you for reading this long message.

Happy New Year!

The Sad Story

My question refers to a conflict I currently have with my wife. My wife left me 2.5 years ago, while we were traveling across Africa and it has been impossible to communicate with her ever since then:I have been unable to have a single conversation with her since she left me in Cape Town in Feb 2016 (after she fell in love with a 56-years old cassanova South African asshole).

 We married in Missoula in Jun 2010 and, although the first two yearss were complicated (she is very immature and we had frequent, stupid fights for irrelevant reasons, like she getting mad at me because I would suggest she rise the seat of her bicycle) we had build a very strong relationship (she cared for her marriage very much and was intelligent enough to realize there was no point in starting a fight for the first stupid reason). Everybody who knew or met us was impressed and inspired by how solid we were, how much we loved eachother. Right after our wedding I had to leave the country and we spent two years traveling all across Central America and Europe. Afterwards, we lived 2.5 wonderful years in Missoula. We both wanted to have children and build a family, but we thought, before settleing down we would do one last crazy adventure: we flew to Spain, where we bought a Land Rover with which to travel all across Africa, from Spain to South Africa. It was an amazing experience and (as everybody could witness) we were both very happy when we finally reached Cape Town, South Africa in Jan 2016. She liked to sing this song she had come up with when we were still in Spain preparing for our journey: "It's Monkey and Bunny and Robert, It's Monkey and Bunny and Robert, Off to see the world!!". Our life was like a remake of "Adventure Time", her favorite children TV show. It's just that we were Monkey and Bunny, as she suggested at the beginning of our 1-year long European trip. I was Monkey, she was the cute Bunny and Robert was our Land Rover across Africa.

In Cape Town we met a Land Rover mechanic (Gary) who told us he wanted to help us get our car all fixed up, equipped and ready for our way back North. However, we had to do the work, he was going to teach us what and how to do it and let us use his tools. Actually, my wife was going to do the work, since I am severely visually impaired. We could not imagine then, the man's real plan was to keep us around, so that he could have enough time to conquer my wife. After 4 weeks at Gary's workshop, one morning my wife got up and immediately left to disappear for the whole day. She only returned at sunset to tell me: "she was going to leave me because she was sick of dragging me around the supermarkets". She then asked me if I had something to say about it and, since I hadn't, she spent the rest of the evening crying. The next day, at dinner time, I told her I did not wanted to be a burden for her; she did not have to cook dinner for me, I would do it myself. She got angry and told me she was going to go stay with Gary and his wife from then on. I got shocked. She also started saying I should also take responsibility for my mistakes, because, if I thought I had not done anything wrong, I was as wrong as she was". The next day, when she came back to the workshop, I told her I thought we should talk. We drove to some beach,. I started by asking what it was that I had done wrong, but after 1-2 hours talking, she got mad  (when I started remembering the many fights she started for the most stupid reasons, at the beginning of our relationship) and drove away, leaving me stranded on that beach for the night. The next day, back in the workshop, I was told she had tried to commit suicide that evening at the workshop (I am not sure how serious she was about it, since she was alone when it happened and nobody could stop her). Gary never wanted a relationship with her, he only wanted to conquer a 30 year younger white, blond, blue-eyed "American chick, so in love with her pathetic blind husband". So, after one week, she flew back from Cape Town to  ontana.

All since then she has been pointing fingers at me and putting all the blame on me. According to her, she has always taking responsibility for her mistakes, but I never have. I am convinced she got messed up by that cassanova asshole (Gary). She made an horrible mistake trusting him and desperately falling in love with him and now is not being able to take responsibility for our marriage failure. Our marriage was of supreme importance to her and it hurts her very deeply to think she blew it up. It is more comforting to convince herself our marriage was horrible and nothing to mourn over. I believe her parents also helped her in that (they never liked me and hated we married. She is their only child and when we married, as she had just become 21, they felt I was stealing her baby). I have always thought her mother is obsessed with her. My wife's biological father separated from her mother, when she was a few months old. He took the baby (my wife) with him. According to the mother, he kidnapped her, but he only went to his parents and the mother never did anything to get her back. When my wife was 1.5 years old, he brought her back to his wife and shortly after commited suicide. The mother has tolg her so many times about that first night that she was back in the house after having been kidnapped. The mother thought she had missed the baby's first steps, the baby's first words, the baby's first tooth... That night she promised the baby: "never again. She would not miss anything again. Mother and daughter, they will be together forever". I believe my wife's mother has played a major part convincing her she has not done anything wrong: our marriage was horrible and she did the right thing when she put an end to it. I had been an asshole to her.

My wife has never admitted she left me because she was tricked and fell in love with that cassanova asshole. Instead she first blamed it on my disability, then on the fights we had (even when she admitted "she had played a big part in starting and exacerbating those fights"), later she has been saying I was using her as my servant, my chauffeur and I was being an asshole to her. However, I know the real reason why she left me was that she fell in love with that casanova asshole, because, some months ago, I found a love letter she wrote to him.

Few months after she had returned from Cape Town, she went to Alaska to start some exhausting, minimum-wage job she had found. In Alaska she met and immediately started a relationship with another man. They immediately wanted to marry, but they could not, since my wife has never wanted to file for divorce or file any paperwork otherwise. Those days I was contacted on Facebook by some woman: she told me my wife was living in Alaska with her partner. She explained he went to Alaska trying to recover from a strong crack-cocaine addiction, after he lost everything in Houston: his job, his family, etc. They both have three children in Houston. My wife indeed was feeling very lonely and depressed after returning from Cape Town. One day she posted on Facebook: "God, I really need somebody come with me hang out at my father's cabin in Rock Creek". My wife was a single child and has always struggled being alone. She needs a lot of love. Since she left me in Cape Town, I have always tried to work things out with her. I thought I should be intelligent and realize Iit would be stupid to give up a wonderful relationship, just because a minute of stupidity; just because she made a stupid mistake, (as a result of her immaturity), falling in love with that cassanova asshole. I have always felt she was the first victim of the horrible parenting she received from her mother. Her mother always allowed her to do whatever she wanted. When she was 11 she started smoking and doing drugs (pod, mushrooms, glue, etc.). When she was 14, she dropped out of school (not because she was a bad student; but because "at school they were all stupid and hated her and were teaching her only stupid stuff").  Her mother's basic parenting theory has always been her daughter is very intelligent, she always knows what she is doing, therefore we should all respect her decisions. As a matter of fact, she was intelligent enough to figure out all by herself (without her parents guidance), she was taking her life to a total disaster. So, at 16, she went back to school and started college. Then when she met me, she wanted very badly to succeed in our marriage and stopped smoking and doing any drups.  She worked hard  to be a good wife to me. After the initial struggles, we were doing very well. In our last months in Missoula, before taking off for our Africa adventure, I was working as a freelancer remotely, over the internet and making a fair amount of money. She did not have to worry for money and could work in whatever she wanted. Those last months she enjoyed creating, doing art and working as a seamstress. We could also choose where in the world we wanted to live. We were planning on settling down in Hawaii (since she loves the beach), after our African journey. We had it all and she gave it all up for a fancy. That is how immature she is. She fell in love with that cassanova asshole and could not think of anything else but to love him forever. When he explained he only wanted to be friends, she must have convinced herself she also only wanted to be friends. I think she must have also concluded, after she had betrayed me like that, our marriage was over: I would never be able to love her again. It seems to me it must have been like when somebody knocks off a very precious, ancient chinese Ming dinasty vase and it breaks down in thousand pieces: it would be possible to try to glue it back together, but it  would never be the same. At that point, instead of crying over the spilled milk for the rest of her life, it is better to start thinking that vase was a piece of crap and she has always hated it anyway.

I have never seen it that way and have always tried to work things out with her. Unfortunately, it has been completely impossible to explain my wife I wanted to forgive her for betraying me. Rather, she is mad at me as if I had done to her what she has actually done to me. She is convinced our marriage was horrible, I was an asshole to her and she did the right thing getting rid of me. In March 2017, she wrote an email to my mother (she had a very good relationship with her) explaining 5-15 reasons why she had left me. However, none of them were true at all. She was not making any mention she had fallen in love with Gary either. Myself, I spent 2017 in Cape Town, trying to prove her I was not pathetic and useless (as she had said) and did not need her as my chauffeur and servant to travel across Africa. Back then I still had not found the love letter she wrote to that cassanova asshole and was not completely aware of the true reasons why she had left me. However, during these last couple of years, my eye-sight has deteriorated abruptly as a result of the stress and depression she has put me in.  So, I gave up on my plans to continue traveling across Africa. I spent the second half of 2017 writing a very honest and emotional  email message to her, trying to explain it was not true our marriage had been awful, I had not been an asshole, she had just got messed up and we should try to work things out. She never replied; I do not think she read it. In October 2017 she sent me a short email complaining I had written and published on our travel blog a "sad story" about the many problems I had gone through in Cape Town (I got attacked and assaulted several times. She had taken control of the blog and unpublished the story, as if it would hurt her to read it. I became hopeful deep inside she still kept her feelings for me. I thought I might be able to wake her up with my email. Unfortunately, it did not happen.

Beginning of 2018, I returned to the US. I went to New York because I needed to do something about my eyes. I needed to have surgery because I had become basically blind. My mother told my wife about my sufferings, but she remained totally indiferent. and never wanted to express any concern. She has not wanted to talk to me. I finally had my first eye surgery last September and now had a few weeks until my next post-surgery, follow-up appointment. So I decided to come to Missoula to finally see her again for the first time since she left me in Cape Town in Feb 2016. One week ago, I went to our old house. I knocked on the door. She opened it, saw me and (without a word being spoken by her or by me) she mmediately closed it again and locked it up.. Then, her current lover (cecilio, the father of the three children in Houston), came from behind the house and told me to leave. Since I insisted I wanted to talk to my wife, he eventually pushed me and throwed me away. Then, they called the police on me. The police told me I was not allowed back there. However, all my stuff is still in that house and me and my wife need to discuss things, even if it is just our divorce (not only in the US, but also in Spain and Switzerland).

I feel like I would be able to solve all this problem, if I would be able to communicate with my wife. However that seems to be completely beyond my posibilities. I have contacted a few mediation services, but I have been told she needs to request mediation as well. Clearly, it seems impossible to convince her to do so. I am being told my only option is to file for divorce.

--- UPDATE Dec 1st 2018 ---

After asking the Sheriff's Office how I would be able to retrieve my most essential belongings from the house, on 10/31/2018 I went to the alley next to the house to call 911 and request a Civil Standby from a Sheriff's deputy. But my wife call again police on me immediately,  before I could call 911. Two officers came to resolve the matter. However, my wife then  went to request an order of protection. Now she is saying I physically and psychologically abused her throughout our marriage and, if she had never said anything about it until now, is because it got wiped out from her memory (supposedly due to the psychological abuse) and she only had a flashback one year ago that reminded her about it. On 11/20/2018 we went to the hearing for the possible extention of the order of protection. I went with a full stack of emails, letters and other documents that show very clearly that my wife is lying. Unfortunately, judge Tousend had absolutely no interest in taking a look to a single page.  Rather, she blindly believed my wife's story. It is not just that judge Tousend saw a possible risk for my wife and therefore granted the extension. During the hearing she clearly showed a  high level of complicity with my wife (I can give specific examples of why I say that), showing she believed all what my wife was saying. I am now very concerned, because judge Tousend has also been assigned to our disolution case. So now the judge who will decide on my divorce believes I psychologically and physically abused my wife throughout our marriage.

I was already convinced my wife was totally mentally unbalanced; not because she should be crazy for leaving me. No, I thought she was totally mentally unbalanced because now she really sounded  convinced our marriage had been horrible. I know for a fact that is not true: our marriage was an incredibly beautiful love story. We certainly had fights and struggles, but we had overcome them. This is not just my perception; the emails and letters show that very clearly.  My wife's new accusations that I abused her throughout our marriage confirms my belief she is mentally ill. It is not a matter of perception wether there was or not any abuse. I know for a fact I never ever abused her. Rather, it has been more my wife that has abused me. It is clear to me that somebody who lies like that, very deeply hurting the person who loved her and was always kind and sweet to her, can only be  mentally sick. This is even more obvious considering that her current situation, living with a drug addict who has abandoned his three children and has no education, is objectively worse than before, when she was traveling all over the world, with all the freedom to choose what she wanted to do in life, what to work on, where to live. To some extent I feel like if my wife had been abducted by some sect: she is killing herself and I want and are trying to help her. But she only hates me and is willing to 'kill' me.

The Birth of a Dream - Emails 2010

Email Exchange with Alia 2010

 Alia and Javi fell in love in Feb. 2010. Alia is in love, but also very confused and afraid. Javi is afraid to love Alia's love because of her fears.

Alia explains her long relationship with drugs. Alia shows her insecurities, but I am very supportive (see email Apr 9 2010).

Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>

Attachments

Sun, Apr 4, 2010, 11:41 AM

to me

 You came to me in a dream this morning.  I saw your face, and you said, "You're going to regret getting up so early."  Then, my alarm went off.  Thanks for the warning, but I don't think I'll regret it.  I'm actually pretty chipper, especially considering I got fucking drunk last night, and went to bed late because I wanted to speak with some long-winded man.

I hope that my comment about LSD does not make you disrespect me.  I would rather be honest about those sort of things than otherwise.  You have a lot to learn about me, and trust me, there's been a lot of drugs.  This hopefully does not make you think I'm just trying to escape my own mind.  Quite the opposite.  I have never delved into my mind so deeply. 

I feel like such a fool talking about this with you, because frankly, I have the utmost respect your refusal to try any mind altering substances.

In some ways, I wish you did not know.  I have spent years working on keeping those things secret, so that I could be respected as an intelligent professional.  Having had such experiences has not damaged my life.  Psychedelics have not impaired my ability to lead a normal life.  This is mostly because, I do them rarely, and do them when appropriate. 

A lot of people who do drugs are complete idiots about it.  They just want to escape from whatever pain they're in, or want to be seen as cool.  This is hardly part of my decision.  My decisions to do such are based on wanting to think very considerately about something going on in my life, or life in general.  You could say, "You do not need to take something to think about life," and this would be true, but I don't think the kind of deep thoughts I've had would have emerged otherwise.  In short, I've come to some great realizations about myself and the people in my life. 

For instance, I once took psychedelic mushrooms a few months after one of my close friends and schoolmates died.  I was having a very good time with my best friend, and then realized that I was, "Female Johnny Bravo."  Johnny Bravo, if you don't know, is this chauvinistic cartoon character who's always chasing after these strong women, and always gets his ass kicked.  He also thinks he's the best thing on the planet.  It took me until the next day to figure out why I was female Johnny Bravo, but was relieved when I did.  Johnny Bravo was also my dead friend's fake name when we would go camping.  Before he died, we spent a lot of time together, but always had conflicts.  Realizing that I was female Johnny Bravo, the female equivalent of my friend, made me realize that all our conflicts were because we were exactly the same in so many ways.  Realizing we clashed because of our similarities, he also had a very strong personality, made me get over a lot of the pain I was in from his death.  It wasn't the drugs that made me feel better, they just made a part of my unconscious, well, conscious.

When I considered doing LSD last night, I considered not because I wanted to escape from the sadness and anger of the last week, or because other people were doing it.  I considered because It would put me in a very deep, philosophical state.  It would allow me to unlock thoughts I won't even let myself observe consciously. This may seem ridiculous to you, but I have learned this from experience.  I have spent weeks of my life thinking deeply about the cosmos sober, and never have had as deep of realizations as when in this state.  I am a very philosophical person, but my mind still conceals the truth from itself sometimes. 

I feel like I'm trying to justify my actions to you.  I don't really feel you need me to justify, but for some reason I still am.  In a way, I'm trying to justify my actions to myself.  I know you have told me not to feel unworthy of you, but when it comes to my use of certain substances, I can't help but feel unworthy. You are an amazing man.  I have always had the utmost respect for sobriety. 

In short, I am not perfect.  I am a very confused and lost person.  It may not be obvious to you, but it's true.  I have spent years angry, depressed, and suicidal.  While I say that I do not do drugs to escape, I'm actually lying to a certain extent.  I do want to escape, I want to escape into my unconscious to figure out why I'm so terribly unhappy.  It's true, being high is a temporary way for me to be happy, but it's really the realizations I have that make me happier.  I don't forget my problems when I use substances, I actually acknowledge many that I would otherwise ignore because they are so difficult to deal with.  Indeed, doing drugs makes me 'artificially' happy some would say, but even if that happiness is 'artificial' it DOES allow me to ponder more difficult issues. 

Javier, I am a very disturbed person.  I am NOT perfect.  I can be very angry, mean, and depressed.  The more I write about this, the more I realize I'm a fucking idiot.  I'm totally full of shit trying to justify my childish and escapist use of drugs.  With you, there's no justification.  I feel like an awful person when it comes to this.  You are so good, so well balanced, and I'm a fucking nut-case. 

I'm not doing so well Javier.  I'm struggling with my life right now.  You are a godsend, but your entrance into my life has also created extreme chaos.  A lot is changing for me, in a good way, but it's difficult.  I wish Trask would start moving, but he's so goddamn slow at everything.  I can barely get any writing done with all of this going on, and I really need to work to get my writing done.  I'm stressed Javier.

I'm still so conflicted about you leaving the country.  I really just want to marry you now, and keep you here.  I really don't think it's a good idea though.  I'm worried that if we act now, we will quickly discover things about each other that will force us apart.  I don't want to be married more than once.  That may seem ridiculous, but I take marriage seriously, and I still have uncertainty.  The thing is, there is always going to be uncertainty, so I also want to grab the present by the collar, and fucking marry you now.  I'm so worried that after you leave, I may never see you again.  I'm worried you will find a woman more appealing than me.  Someone perfect.  I'm worried you may not get back into this country, and I can not leave yet. 

I don't want to offend you, but I'm also still cautious about marrying you, because you're being deported.  I don't believe that you would marry me to stay here, why would you.  But, I'm still cautious.  I really don't want you to be offended, I'm just a very careful person.  That's how I do everything, including drugs, very carefully.  I'm not completely certain why I'm still careful though, because you have shown me nothing but unfaltering love and adoration.  I feel bad about my caution. 

I'm also feel bad for something else.  I still wonder about our age difference.  While you are young in spirit now, I'm afraid of you becoming old spirited and uptight.  I'm worried that if we get married, after awhile, settling down will make you less adventurous, less open minded.  You have lived much longer than I, and have seen much more.  I still want to see the world, live in new places, and meet new people.  I'm worried that you may not desire this anymore, since you have seen many places, and met many people.  I don't want to have children for another few years, I don't want to settle down.  This does not mean I don't want to marry you, I do.  It just means that I want to enjoy being with you before we commit our lives to another human.  I don't want a boring life, where I stay at home and take care of children.  Not that children are not exciting, I just don't want that commitment yet. 

I don't suspect you expected to have children any time soon.  I'm sure you want to enjoy me alone for a while too.  I am very young Javier.  I have a lot I want to accomplish in this life, because I do not know if I'll get another.  Mostly, I just want to have fun, and explore life right now. 

I'm worried that we may not want the same things.  That you may want to become more settled.  I'm not totally ready to do that.  I'm a scholar.  I want to research.  I want to contribute to the world before I give it another mouth to feed.  I want to discover something amazing before I find a real job.  I know you would say, "You could discover something amazing working a job," but I would rather not go that way.  I know you understand the desire for scholarship, after all, you are also a career learner. 

I want you so badly to move back here and live with me until I finish my undergraduate.  I'm worried you may not be able to find employment in this town though.  It's NOT easy to find a job here.  I'm not worried whether you could be hired, you are a fucking genius who works very hard, but there's just not much here.  I am worried that I may have to kick your ass to get you out the fucking door to get to work on time, but I welcome that. 

I'm afraid it is going to be unbearably difficult to be away from you.  I'm afraid when we are back together, it will still be difficult. 

I'm worried about how your family will treat me.  I wish I could disregard other people's opinions, but I do care whether they dislike me.  I don't want the people who love the man I love to hate me.  The only person I'm not worried about is Paty.  I have a feeling her and I would have a great time together. 

One thing I love about you, is your treatment of me as an equal, regardless of our age difference.  I appreciate your respect for my maturity and intelligence.  I try to give the same respect to younger people.  I don't always give the same respect to older people though, because some act so superior to younger people, they barely deserve acknowledgment.  Because they have lived longer, some think they have gained more experience.  This isn't necessarily true, especially when concerning specific life experiences.  Because they have lived longer, some also think they are more intelligent.  This is definitely not always the case.  I don't want you to become one of those stuck-up people who insist to themselves, and everybody else, that young people just don't know what they're doing.

I don't want you to become one of those people who forgot what it was like to be young.  What it was like to be a child.  I refuse to forget that, at any age, I had my own intense struggles that seemed like the biggest problems in the world.  To me, remembering that, even though a child's, teenager's, or college student's problems may not be the worst things to happen, they were awful in relativity.  I vowed to myself years ago, I would never forget what it is like to be a child.  I will never be able to say, "I don't remember what it was like to be seven."  I still remember, and for the sake of myself and my children, I plan never to forget. 

Children need parents who remember what it is like to be a child, and can act like children when it is appropriate.

I have just written a fucking ton!  And, you're still plodding away on whatever first message you're writing.  I know you're going to be traveling and wont be able to write, but I will probably continue to express what I'm thinking.  It helps.  I will also patiently, though desperately, await a letter from you. 

I saw a pileated woodpecker (Dryocopus pileatus ) while bird counting today.  They are huge!  For woodpeckers that is. 

I love you

Attachments area

Javier <jbscheuber@gmail.com>

Sun, Apr 4, 2010, 2:20 PM

to Alia

Dear Madam Floren,

To the most wonderful girl on the planet, I hope the birds had a beautiful rise this morning. Did they ask about me? Please tell them I also miss them, although, to say the truth, I mostly miss you.

I take off now, it will be a beautiful day riding around the Flathead lake. I wish you were here. I wish you would come ride with me. It would be the most beautiful day ever possible.

I feel sad I am getting farther away from you, but I understand that is what you want me to do. I know we will see each other soon, no matter what. I love you -  you love me and that is all what I need. I am strong and will not allow anything to keep us apart. You are strong and will not allow anything to keep us apart.

Alia, I will always be with you, no matter what. You are what matters the most in my life.

I love you,

Javier

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Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>

Tue, Apr 6, 2010, 7:36 AM

to me

 Oh, how I love my Iberian macho.

I hope you had a good soak last night in the hotsprings.  Someday, I'll take you deep into the woods to soak in a free, and natural hotspring.  There's nothing better than rubbing your feet in the granite sand at the bottom of the pool and marveling at the muscovite mica floating throughout the water. 

You must be writing a fucking dissertation, since I've still had no message from you.  I know you are being considerate and taking your time to write to me.  But, damn!  This American is a little impatient. 

Sometimes, I feel like such a fool.  The other night you told me that what I had wrote made it sound like I was needy.  I'm just confused, and trying to work things out in my head though.  I just wanted to express my worries.  When I'm with you, I know they will dissipate.  I don't believe I'm needy.  It is simple to make me happy.  I just also want to accomplish a lot in this life.  But, that doesn't hang on you.  That is work I need to do for myself.  Do you think it is impossible for me to have both you and a career?  Can I not always get what I want?

You are so amazingly rational.  So grounded.  But, you can not possibly understand the intense confusion I'm going through right now.  My mind is reeling.  All the time, thoughts are battling other thoughts.  I've always had an overactive mind, but now it seems like an atom bomb.  Exponential explosion. 

I love you so much, and I fear that something I will say will prove your best expectations of me wrong.  Push you away from me.  I'm sorry if I'm being worrisome, but I'm stressed, and trying to figure things out.  This is a hard time in my life. 

I even feel like writing these kinds of anxious rants will make you think I'm irrational and push you away from me.

Again, I'm sorry about being so worried.  I just am right now though.  I have no doubts about my love for you though, and have no question that I want to be in your life.  That I want you in my life. 

People are trying to tell me what to do.  Fuck them!  Who are they to tell me what is best.  Maybe I'll explain the specific instance I'm thinking of later.

I love you.  Going to do an awesome experiment in lab today.  And, I don't have to write a lab report this week.  Yes!

Te quiero,

      Alia

From: Javier [jbscheuber@gmail.com]

Sent: Sunday, April 04, 2010 2:20 PM

To: Floren, Alia

Subject: Re: I love you

Javier <jbscheuber@gmail.com>

Wed, Apr 7, 2010, 12:13 AM

to Alia

I am sorry I could not call you today. I met tonight the people I was going to stay with and only got free just now. Unfortunately, I did not get any time to write today, nor yesterday, nor the day before. I am truly sorry about that. I think I will send part of what I wrote so far.

I love your messages Alia. I just feel very sorry I cannot keep up with them. I wish I could write as much as you. I think that would make you happy and help you, particularly now that your life is a little upside down. I am sorry I am failing you in that sense

Please don't think your messages are scaring me off. I really cherish and appreciate your sincerity and trust. I want to thank you for trusting your feelings and opening your heart to me. They are nothing but confirming the beautiful person you are. Today I had a wonderful day: when I got up I saw your message and was happy for the rest of the day. I am sorry I could not do the same for you. Alia, you are, by far, the best that has ever happened in my life. Your messages, your love, are the biggest treasure I have ever received.

Alia, I don't think you are a needy person. You prove that to me in Missoula. I am just sorry that your worries keep you from being happy. It's natural to keep some worries and fears. I also have them. I do have my own insecurities, but I am getting a lot of help from you with your messages. I am sorry I cannot do the same for you.

What i tried to say the other night, is that I feel sad to see you were worried. I wish you would not worry and enjoy the moment. I tried to help you forget your worries and remember what makes you happy: the most simple things. I take the blame for your worries. If I could write you some more, probably you would not worry that much.

Please do not think you have lost my respect with your messages; it is rather the opposite. I wish you were not doing drugs, the same way you tell me to bike safely. I cherish your brain more than anything and fear you may harm it in the long run. However, precisely because I know how intelligent you are, I have absolute trust in your good judgment. As a matter of fact, you made it clear that, in the end, we both agree on this subject. It then does not seem to me it would help to explain you what you already know. If you already know what you need to know, I just hope one day you will do what you know is best for you.

I don't mind your big plans either. I know that when the comes, we will sit down, talk and find some way to fit everything together. I certainly believe you should be able to enjoy your life with me and have an exciting career. Again, I am sure we will be able to figure it out.

Alia, I love you, you are the best that ever happened in my life. I will always be on your side. I am so happy to be with you,

Javier

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Javier <jbscheuber@gmail.com>

Wed, Apr 7, 2010, 12:18 AM

to alia.floren, javier

I am sorry I could not call you today. I met tonight the people I was going to stay with and only got free just now. Unfortunately, I did not get any time to write today, nor yesterday, nor the day before. I am truly sorry about that. I think I will send part of what I wrote so far.

I love your messages Alia. I just feel very sorry I cannot keep up with them. I wish I could write as much as you. I think that would make you happy and help you, particularly now that your life is a little upside down. I am sorry I am failing you in that sense

Please don't think your messages are scaring me off. I really cherish and appreciate your sincerity and trust. I want to thank you for trusting your feelings and opening your heart to me. They are nothing but confirming the beautiful person you are. Today I had a wonderful day: when I got up I saw your message and was happy for the rest of the day. I am sorry I could not do the same for you. Alia, you are, by far, the best that has ever happened in my life. Your messages, your love, are the biggest treasure I have ever received.

Alia, I don't think you are a needy person. You prove that to me in Missoula. I am just sorry that your worries keep you from being happy. It's natural to keep some worries and fears. I also have them. I do have my own insecurities, but I am getting a lot of help from you with your messages. I am sorry I cannot do the same for you.

What i tried to say the other night, is that I feel sad to see you were worried. I wish you would not worry and enjoy the moment. I tried to help you forget your worries and remember what makes you happy: the most simple things. I take the blame for your worries. If I could write you some more, probably you would not worry that much.

Please do not think you have lost my respect with your messages; it is rather the opposite. I wish you were not doing drugs, the same way you tell me to bike safely. I cherish your brain more than anything and fear you may harm it in the long run. However, precisely because I know how intelligent you are, I have absolute trust in your good judgment. As a matter of fact, you made it clear that, in the end, we both agree on this subject. It then does not seem to me it would help to explain you what you already know. If you already know what you need to know, I just hope one day you will do what you know is best for you.

I don't mind your big plans either. I know that when the comes, we will sit down, talk and find some way to fit everything together. I certainly believe you should be able to enjoy your life with me and have an exciting career. Again, I am sure we will be able to figure it out.

Alia, I love you, you are the best that ever happened in my life. I will always be on your side. I am so happy to be with you,

Javier

On Tue, Apr 6, 2010 at 7:35 AM, Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu> wrote:

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Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>

Wed, Apr 7, 2010, 8:17 AM

to me

I love you Javier, I wish I had time to write you, but my days are really packed right now.  Reading your messages gets me through the day right now.  Knowing that you love me is keeping me afloat.  Don't worry about not calling, I figured you were busy.  As long as I know you are alright, it doesn't matter.  As long as you are safe. 

I have barely studied for that exam tomorrow and am freaking out.  I love you.  Keep safe.

From: Javier [jbscheuber@gmail.com]

Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 2010 12:18 AM

To: alia.floren@umontana.edu; javier@usc.edu

Javier <jbscheuber@gmail.com>

Fri, Apr 9, 2010, 7:26 PM

to Alia

I truly like your last photo album. This may not come to a surprise to you, but probably you do not expect me to say that the pictures are not really what I like the most about the album. The pictures are certainly beautiful, but what I love the most is the title: "The Best Days Ever". Alia, I am not sure you realize how much it means to me, it means so much to you. Alia, I am not sure you realize how happy and proud I am that it means so much to you; that I seem to be able to make the most wonderful girl in the planet so happy. Over the last few weeks, I heard you many times say that I make you so happy. There is something about you that you make it very clear whenever there is something you mean wholeheartedly: Your eyes shine, your lips become strong and you put your heart in each and every word. You will look pretty scary, if it is something negative; but it feels so good when it is something positive, as when you say how very happy you are. At the end, well... from beginning to end, Alia, the most beautiful treasure is your love.

Alia, I am also afraid of ever losing your love.

I think last Thursday was the first time you heard, I expressed some concern about you. Until then, all what you have been getting from me was that you were perfect. I think you have been fearing that moment. Probably you still are, probably you still fear these moments that should come in the future. I believe I could feel the pain, your struggle with that thought, as I saw you sitting on the floor, as you were taking fresh air. That night I had said you seemed angry after hearing my complaint. Probably it was not anger, but the pain. You said you felt like a jerk, as if you felt you had screwed up: you had allowed a glimpse of imperfection.

Nobody should be obliged to be perfect.

Alia it is not fair that anybody - not even yourself - imposes you the obligation to be perfect. Alia, it also seems to me you are putting too much on your plate. You may actually be more perfectionist than we thought.

Alia, I already told you how amazing I think you are. I may have been fooled by some premature, naive impression. You may fear the day I wake up of my naivety to discover the ugly - or just imperfect - truth.

I have done quite some thinking though. You have blown out my mind Alia. Over the last month I have been going to bed thinking how truly amazing that girl was. After a while, sleep would defeat me and I would get some rest. Few hours later, I would wake up and, then, nothing would stop me from thinking how amazing you are, not even my own desire to get some decent amount of sleep.

But I don't need you to be perfect anyhow.

Alia you should not be afraid - I don't know to what extent you are, or if you are at all - of the day I discover you are not perfect -. Obviously you are not too scared, if you decided to break up with Trask. Certainly it is not any kind of fear you could not handle; you are a very strong woman anyhow. But I am also very strong, and I can take everything. Same as you, I am also very intelligent, and I also understand. And I am going to make this happen, regardless whether you are perfect or not. And, as a matter of fact, I know I will get a lot of help from you. I think I would be able to get it to work just by myself; as imperfect as you may be. Alia, I am good enough. I would bet you would also be able to make it happen just by yourself; I bet Alia you are good enough. You may say that is my foolish and naive premature impression; I would bet you are wrong. Now imagine what we can accomplish if we work together. Alia, together we will make true the best dream ever lived.

Yes, I also get scared at times. My fears - if I understood that correctly - seem to be very similar to yours. My fears question I am good enough for you. My fears ask me if I will be able to make you happy. My fears, however, never expressed any concern you may not be as good as I believe. That is my job, not yours: accept whatever deficiencies you may have. I know I can do that one; I am good as far as that.

Alia, I want you just the way you are, please don't try to change it.

You may think you know yourself better than me, but that still doesn't give you the right to take away from me the decision of what and who I want in my life. I am not going to allow anybody to decide for me what I want in my life, who is good for me. As well as you know yourself, you do not know me as well as I do. Alia, nobody has ever believed in me as much as you do. That is a fact, as much as a surprise it may come to you. You may consider obvious to believe in me; clearly, that has not been the case for anybody else. Alia, that is as good as you are: what nobody else is even able to start getting a clue at all, is just so plain obvious to you. That is as much credit as you deserve. Alia, I know what I want, I know what I need, I know who is good for me and I want you!

Alia, trust me, please, don't give up on me.

I find it interesting you expressed your wish you could speak just about anything to me; that is exactly what I said to you that famous night you chose to voice, for the first time, some concern about me. I told you I sometimes can't avoid to feel hurt by somebody - the same way you felt hurt that night, by what I have said about the right way of washing dishes -. I try not to care about what people say, but what they think. I am willing to accept anything they say, as long as I perceive there is some good intention behind it. I really want everybody to feel comfortable with me. I really want them to trust me and open their hearts to me. I don't want them to keep anything from me, thinking they might hurt my feelings if they are sincere. As long as I can see a good intention, I will swallow my feelings. I will not complain and risk loosing their sincerity by doing so. You asked me if you had lost some of my sincerity and I told you 'No'.

Alia, I really hope I did not lose your sincerity last Thursday.

To be continued ...

...

...

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Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>

Sat, Apr 10, 2010, 5:25 PM

to me

It's too bad the employees of the National Parks are so incompetent, otherwise you could have known which the Floren house is.  It's back by the hotel by the lake.  I love you, be safe.

From: Javier [jbscheuber@gmail.com]

Sent: Friday, April 09, 2010 7:26 PM

Javier <javier@alumni.usc.edu>

Attachments

Tue, Apr 13, 2010, 4:15 PM

to alia.floren, javier

Those pictures of last weekend in Glacier are really beautiful, but nothing compares to this picture attached. This picture is the most beautiful my cameras have ever seen and, trust me, they have been through some truly amazing stuff!

Alia, I miss you. I keep thinking of you all the time. Just thinking of you makes me so happy.

I love you,

Javier

...

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Attachments area

Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>

Tue, Apr 13, 2010, 4:19 PM

to Javier

I look at that photo all of the time.  In fact, it's the one in my pocket.

I love you, I love you, I love you.  Damn!  Typing that three times didn't make you appear in a cloud of smoke like I thought it would.

From: jbscheuber@gmail.com [jbscheuber@gmail.com] on behalf of Javier [javier@alumni.usc.edu]

Sent: Tuesday, April 13, 2010 4:15 PM

To: alia.floren@umontana.edu; javier

Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>

Wed, Apr 14, 2010, 9:08 AM

to Javier

Hey there sexy man,

     Sorry I missed your call last night.  Yesterday was long and tiring, and I guess I fell asleep pretty fast.  I'm lucky enough to have the next two days off from school because of the National Undergraduate Research Conference, so maybe I'll actually get something done.  It's going to be a busy weekend because of all the shit I have to do.  I have an exam next week, shit!  It's just for mensuration, so I just need to make sure I understand all the equations.  I did that in one night last time we had an exam, so shouldn't be too hard.  I have to fucking rewrite a quiz for plant physiology, none of us did very well.  At least she's letting us gain some extra points. 

    I've been struggling with this Forest Vegetation Simulation program.  Last night I struggled to create the three files I needed for two hours.  What a bitch.  That program is NOT user friendly.  But, then again, it is a free government program, so what else could I expect. 

    Things are starting to look cleared out over here.  Trask is finally wrapping up his packing.  The thing is, NONE OF IT HAS ACTUALLY LEFT THE HOUSE!  It's all in the garage.  So, while I feel better that the house is finally becoming less cluttered, I know that if I went out to the garage, I would cry from how much shit is still there. 

   Today for Harvesting and Roads field lab, we're going to see a "very good example of a very poorly constructed road."  Should be interesting, though again, it's just a road.  Not like we all haven't seen very poor roads before.  Growing up here in Montana, where we have more logging roads that is comprehensible, I've seen more than my fair share.  Here's a little information about my family: My great grandfather, who's house I live in now, constructed many of the logging roads in western Montana. 

    Most of my family members are blue-collar workers.  My grandpa worked in a pulp mill for his whole life.  Now he can't even smell or taste because of the rancid smelling environment he worked in for so long.  When I was a child, and my grandpa would come home from work, we would all avoid him until he had a shower and changed his clothes.  The pulp mill smells that bad. 

   I hope the pie crust came out all right for you.  It took me a while to get the process down, and I wouldn't be surprised if you ran into some difficulties.  If you made a perfect pie crust the first time, well, you are a fucking genius!   But, I already knew that. 

I love you so much Javier.  I dreamed of you all night.

From: jbscheuber@gmail.com [jbscheuber@gmail.com] on behalf of Javier [javier@alumni.usc.edu]

Sent: Tuesday, April 13, 2010 4:15 PM

To: alia.floren@umontana.edu; javier

---------- Forwarded message ---------

From: Floren, Alia <alia.floren@umconnect.umt.edu>

Date: Mon, Sep 20, 2010 at 10:10 PM

Subject:

To: jbscheuber@gmail.com <jbscheuber@gmail.com>

I wish I could just talk to you for an extended period.

We have barely spoken, and our most recent words were not the most satisfying.  It's incredibly frustrating to have so much dumped on me at such a late hour.  With just a day left before I leave, you are now informing me of things I need to do.  It is not that they are terribly difficult to accomplish, but it was not my intention to go running around on my last day home.  I will do what you have asked me to do, but I wish you had said something about the glue earlier on.  It would have been less stressful for me.

This is not really the issue though.

When you tell me that I will not have the time to do any writing, I feel a great shame.  I feel shame because, if you are correct, I am once again abandoning my responsibilities.  I want to finish my writing.  I want it to be done so I never have to think about it again.

I take great pride in my work, especially for the arboretum.  I have already fallen far behind in working on these website descriptions, and I do not want them to fall further. 

My vision of what our trip is going to be like is being shattered.  Everyone keeps talking about the turmoil and violence that is going on down there.  You have just told me a story that is frightening, though lucky.  I am leaving my home, my friends, my family, and stepping into a completely unknown future.  I am so scared Javier.

It does not make it easier to be repeatedly reminded that bringing a computer is not a good idea.  I acknowledge what you are saying, and know you are correct, because I have thought the same things.  Your assertion that I leave it behind shatters my vision even more.

Are you going to keep your wife safe?  Sometimes, I wonder.

Are you going to take her on a trip that will give her too much stress?  I know there will be some, but I don't need to be sleeping on the street, worrying for my life. 

A lot of it depends on how you decide to guide us.  I have a voice too, but you are much smarter than I when it comes to things like this.   

In the end, you always convince me that your way is the best.  But, I want to finish my writing. 

If you are so insistent, then whatever, I will use your computer.  But, I want to write.

You can tell me anything you want to convince me to leave my computer.  I am giving in.

But, you can not tell me to give up the last responsibility I have.  I want to write.  I want to accomplish my goal. 

I concede completely when I say - bringing my computer is a bad idea, and I will leave it behind. 

But, I will find time to write.

You have a lot of power over me, and can make me do anything.  Please don't shatter my vision of finishing my writing.  Please don't convince me to let down a lot of people, including myself.

Just open up some memory for my document on your computer, then I will just bring it on a flash drive.

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I hope you never forget the times I have given up the fight, and just listened to you. 

Sometimes, you are completely right, and it is a good thing I listen to you.

Other times, you are right, but only partially.  You make good points, but there are good reasons for the opposite.  I have also agreed with you at these times, even when I still didn't totally agree.

I have agreed because the consequences of agreeing were not so bad.  While I could have fought, and achieved things that would have had benefits as well, it is easier to be rid of the tension, and just choose the other side. 

It is easier to leave what I was fighting for, and be okay with the alternative. 

I hope you can do this too, if you haven't already.

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I am having a very difficult time right now.  I am leaving my home, and I have no idea what is in store for me.

Javier, you have gained a wife, but not much else has changed for you.  You are living how you have been, minus a bike.

I have had my whole life tipped upside-down, and it is finally hitting me.  The last few months, I have been overjoyed by the prospect of our life together.  Gitty thinking about what is in our future.

Now, I've had to postpone dreams, and I have no idea what I am getting into.  I am leaving all of my belongings, my friends and family, and a developing career.  I am still happy about what is to come, but now I have a clearer view of how serious it is. 

I feel like this portion of my letter should be concluded with some statement of me wanting a divorce.  The way the last few lines have progressed it seems only natural.  But, that would be the dumbest thing I could ever do, because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

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I have been very bad the last couple of weeks.  The proximity of my leave has been driving me crazy, and I've done some things you wouldn't be proud of. 

I have had nightmares the last few nights.  Last night was particularly horrible.  I was in some sort of house, and I woke up, and there was this 'man' in my bed.  It was not really a man, it was some sort of demon, and I rushed from the bed into the kitchen, slamming the door behind me.  There was another girl in the kitchen with me, and we were both trying to defeat this demon.  The only way to accomplish this was to turn on the light, but it would turn it off the moment we flicked the switch.  I awoke in the middle of this dream, at a moment where I had been locked in the room with the creature, and was scared stiff lying in bed in the dark.  Wondering if the creature was there. 

A while later, I fell back asleep, and came into another dream.  I was walking downtown - I'll have to explain later that I have constructed a dream world over the last decade, and the downtown I speak of is only marginally like Missoula - and I walked up this dark alley to a whorehouse.  I walked inside the whorehouse, and was watching all these people go up and down the stairs.  After a while, I walked up the stairs to the top, where a woman was standing behind a booth.  A couple of guys and a woman came up behind me, and then the woman convinced the four of us to each pay $80 to have sex with each other.  I remember thinking the whole time, "I shouldn't be doing this."  It seemed very real, and my shame was so real that when I woke up, I though it had actually happened. 

But, don't worry, these dreams are not some sort of signal of guilt because I cheated on you.  Well, because I didn't, I could never do that.  I did cheat on Trask though - with one person you know pretty well - and I have this deep fear that someday, for some reason, I will betray you.  I never want that to happen. 

So, here's a list of all my shames over the last couple weeks.

1) I have eaten the crappiest, most prepackaged food I have had in years

2) I have drank more alcohol than is healthy, and have fallen into a deep depression from it

3) I took a bunch of psychedelic mushrooms, and hung out in a hotel bathroom for hours

4) I smoked some tobacco, and justified it to myself because, "I am leaving."

In the end, the only things I really feel bad about are number 1 and 2, because I am most likely never going to do 3 again in my life, and I do feel justified in number 4.  Besides, number 3 was a great bonding experience for Rob and I before I leave.  We needed that. 

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Javier, I know that you have the deepest concern for me, and you want me to be free from harm.  But, I have been so stressed about what you will think of my packing, that I just don't know what to bring anymore.  I almost feel like dumping everything out and just bringing the camping gear. 

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The moment we hung up earlier, I cried. 

I don't want this stress anymore.

I don't want any business talk for a while.

I just want to be the woman you love.

Being cared for and caring back.

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I wish I could talk with you.  I'm sorry that I wasted so many minutes of our time earlier, but I needed to cool off.  I also needed this time to think.  I hope you can call, though I worry this will not be the case.

Javier, you are the most important person in my life, and I know that when we are back together, everything will be fine.  I am very excited for the next few months, but remember what I have left behind, and allow me to write. 

I have given things up.  I will give things up.

Please don't convince me to give up my writing though.  If I don't finish it, that's my fault, but at least let me try.

Please show me that you still see how important my work is to me.

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I love you with all my heart and soul.

Alia